Do you point out to your autistic DH...

[unlikelychump]

The autisticy things he does? I do, but am starting to think I shouldn't so much. It has only been 6 months that we are realising that he is autistic, and i am helpfully pointing stuff out to him. Not to be unkind , but more to help him realise.

But I am starting to think it is possibly annoying. I just want to help him see. (He is also working through depression so has a lot going on)

It is all done kindly, I'm not having a go at him.

Yes, sometimes, but I also am willing to comment on my own quirks. I think it depends on the spirit of how it's done.

Does he have a diagnosis?

My family often laugh at things that are my “tism” as they call it. I don’t mind, you have to find humour in the quirks. I’ve OCD too so very easy to laugh at!

I often wonder if I should for my 19 year old. He is diagnosed (though it is obvious anyway) there's things he doesn't get and I sometimes want to say that it's because of his autism.

No. If it's stimming related such as echolalia or repeatedly checking his phone, I really try to hold back because I feel it's important he's in a space where he feels like he can unmask.

The only single exception was when he started voicing politically incorrect views in front of leftist/liberal friends. I know that his form of conversational masking is to identify a trigger phrase or topic and then repeat a "stock sentence" or anecdote following that. Many of those stories are taken from other people's replies which he learned and memorised.

Over the years we've been to numerous parties where I know he heard someone say something and then started using that reply as his own (literally word for word). Unfortunately he also has a group of conservative friends and he's picked up a few of their stock replies and would parrot that at other conversations without taking into account the social context of who he's speaking with.

I know he doesn't genuinely believe what he's saying but repeating phrases from neurotypical friends is his masking mechanism for keeping a normal conversation going. He does this with virtually every topic that comes up, not just politics, but that's the only area which he doesn't realise can be controversial. So I had to kindly point out that he need to stop repeating all politically laden anecdotes or phrases that he memorised elsewhere, especially around people he doesn't know that well.

Yes but I'm autistic and adhd myself so it works both ways!

"I just want to help him see"

Does he want to? Otherwise, stop.

Can he point out neurotypical things you do in return?

Does HE find it annoying? Surely that's the important thing.
I've a few family members with diagnoses and another persuing a late diagnosis. We sometimes mention stuff but only if it is relevant, mostly we just go about our business without needing to reflect if is an NT / ND action.

I think you can point out things that are ASD that aren't socially acceptable e.g. dominating a conversation, but pointing out stimming or not making eye contact sounds like it's going to make them self conscious and it's unnecessary.

Not as 'autism' things but I do point out when he's being rigid, hypocritical, hypercritical, or when he's interpreting an anxiety response of his as The One True Perspective on a situation. Basically the same stuff I would point out to anyone who expected me to share a life with them because they have an impact on me and everyone else around them.

Same. My DP is autistic and will sometimes just stare at people when we are out.
He is also very chatty, and will chat the ears off of anyone, including children that are nearby. He is middle aged, and sadly many people will think he should not be interacting with kids at all. I worry one day he will get beaten up by some overprotective parent.

I have autism and I would find this utterly infuriating. If he knows he has autism he is perfectly capable of understanding his own behaviours.

Does he want you to? I'm disabled, neuro- disability. Personally I like some things to be pointed out because 1) I am able to correct them. 2) Long-term it's better for my body if I do correct them. 3) My disability isn't as obvious if I do correct them. Other things I don't want pointed out, because when I do them it's because my body is struggling that day and isn't able to be different. Trying to change them is more effort than I have and usually isn't as good for my body, and puts me off everything else I'm doing making everything more effort.

For example sometimes my arm will jump up to bend at the elbow when I am walking, because the muscles will naturally tense up causing it to bounce up. Placing it back down will help me to relax as well as looking more normal. Also sometimes I repeat what I say, because I've forgotten I've said it. Telling me I've "already said that" just after I've said it again, doesn't help me not to say it again! If I'm likely to say it a third time because I've forgotten about the first and 2nd times, I'm just as likely to forget about you telling me I've said it again! It just reminds me that I am annoying you because I am not neurologically able to be fully in control of everything, and that's just upsetting.

It depends why you want to point them out.

Is he diagnosed or are you both just guessing he is?

What exactly are you pointing out to him? Are you being patronising?

Very few people understand their own behaviour but I will give you that my ND daughter understands hers better than most but in my experience of significant ND across mine and DHs family she is relatively unique in that regard. Self awareness is not a common trait.

How often does it work out as? Daily? Weekly ? Less?

I live with my teen son with ADHD. He happily accepts his ADHD and doesn’t mind me mentioning it but I end up saying it less than once a week. Sometimes he shows signs of how ADHD eg furious pacing but I don’t mention it because I don’t want to annoy him or make him self conscious. I also don’t want to send the subliminal message that his way is “wrong “ and he should behave neurotypically because I don’t actually believe that.

Thanks for so many interesting replies. He doesn't really have a view on whether I point them out. I point them out because there is a lot of stuff falling into place now, so there is a lot of "oh wow" moments. As I say he is also mired in depression and self doubt so a lot of the time wondering if he is doing something wrong or failing in some way.

So some of it is "did you realise this is probably your autism" and some of it is "don't worry, it is probably your autism" he has masked for very many years.

Some examples are - he does a fiddly little thing with his hair by his ear. I have always told him to stop as it annoys me (!) ,but now we realise it is him stimming.

He has said recently a few times in counselling, completely without irony, " oh you just push those sorts of feelings down, put on your mask and get on with it". I was gobsmacked and the counsellor kindly said something .He took that one quite well!

Those sort of things, lots of them though. Although I try not to be too annoying to him.

Yes sure. I am very happy if he pays attention to me. One thing I don't get much of in life is feedback. I'd love more feedback.

No, he currently has very little insight to his behaviours and it has caused him (and our family) a lot of distress.

what response did you get from that? I have tried similar in the past, but only to get a rage reaction and horrible personal attacks to try to get me to back off, or a meltdown with physical anxiety symptoms. The issue I needed to discuss was taken off the table either way.

But surely if he now knows he has autism if he’s interested enough he can read about it and gain insight? That’s what I meant. I think perhaps I’m different to your dh but I really wouldn’t like my family analysing my behaviours and telling me what things could be attributed to my autism.

Some examples are - he does a fiddly little thing with his hair by his ear. I have always told him to stop as it annoys me (!) ,but now we realise it is him stimming.

If this is the kind of thing you’re pointing out I’d say no don’t do it. It’s not necessary and will cause him to be overly self conscious.