Page 2 | Do you point out to your autistic DH...

unlikelychump · 2024-12-26T21:56:05+00:00

The autisticy things he does? I do, but am starting to think I shouldn't so much. It has only been 6 months that we are realising that he is autistic, and i am helpfully pointing stuff out to him. Not to be unkind , but more to help him realise. But I am starting to think it is possibly annoying. I just want to help him see. (He is also working through depression so has a lot going on) It is all done kindly, I'm not having a go at him.

Pigeonqueen · 26/12/2024 23:02

Sleybels · 26/12/2024 23:00

Some examples are - he does a fiddly little thing with his hair by his ear. I have always told him to stop as it annoys me (!) ,but now we realise it is him stimming.

If this is the kind of thing you’re pointing out I’d say no don’t do it. It’s not necessary and will cause him to be overly self conscious.

Exactly this.

I pick the skin round my nails. I know others find it irritating but I find it soothing. I do make efforts not to do it around people. But if people tell me it’s irritating it just makes me inwardly rage and feel very anxious. I do appreciate it’s not nice for other people though! It’s difficult.

Original poster

unlikelychump · 26/12/2024 23:05

Pigeonqueen · 26/12/2024 23:00

But surely if he now knows he has autism if he’s interested enough he can read about it and gain insight? That’s what I meant. I think perhaps I’m different to your dh but I really wouldn’t like my family analysing my behaviours and telling me what things could be attributed to my autism.

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Interesting again, thanks for coming back to the thread. Two of our kids are in diagnosis too, so there is a lot of autism talk in our house. It is generally quite exhausting tbh. (And we are struggling to know the best way to parent them, collectively and individually).

He isn't really in a place to do a lot of reading around any subject, and of course not everyone is a reader.

OP posts:

Sleybels · 26/12/2024 23:07

Pigeonqueen · 26/12/2024 23:02

Exactly this.

I pick the skin round my nails. I know others find it irritating but I find it soothing. I do make efforts not to do it around people. But if people tell me it’s irritating it just makes me inwardly rage and feel very anxious. I do appreciate it’s not nice for other people though! It’s difficult.

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I find it bizarre that people find these sort of things annoying. Each to their own opinion I guess but they should keep it to themselves IMO.

Like how is someone picking at their own nails affecting you to the point you’re telling them about it? Sounds like a them problem! 😁

HotBath · 26/12/2024 23:08

User54614664 · 26/12/2024 22:17

No. If it's stimming related such as echolalia or repeatedly checking his phone, I really try to hold back because I feel it's important he's in a space where he feels like he can unmask.

The only single exception was when he started voicing politically incorrect views in front of leftist/liberal friends. I know that his form of conversational masking is to identify a trigger phrase or topic and then repeat a "stock sentence" or anecdote following that. Many of those stories are taken from other people's replies which he learned and memorised.

Over the years we've been to numerous parties where I know he heard someone say something and then started using that reply as his own (literally word for word). Unfortunately he also has a group of conservative friends and he's picked up a few of their stock replies and would parrot that at other conversations without taking into account the social context of who he's speaking with.

I know he doesn't genuinely believe what he's saying but repeating phrases from neurotypical friends is his masking mechanism for keeping a normal conversation going. He does this with virtually every topic that comes up, not just politics, but that's the only area which he doesn't realise can be controversial. So I had to kindly point out that he need to stop repeating all politically laden anecdotes or phrases that he memorised elsewhere, especially around people he doesn't know that well.

Oh, snap with my dad on repeating other people’s stock phrases, with no understanding of them. He also forwards awful memes to our family group. He doesn’t be,iI’ve what he’s saying, it’s a masking technique. He’s in his eighties and has no idea he’s autistic, but he absolutely is.

Boredlass · 26/12/2024 23:11

I do it with my 17year old son but he points stuff out about my behaviour so it works both ways.

Gliblet · 26/12/2024 23:18

velodrome · 26/12/2024 23:00

what response did you get from that? I have tried similar in the past, but only to get a rage reaction and horrible personal attacks to try to get me to back off, or a meltdown with physical anxiety symptoms. The issue I needed to discuss was taken off the table either way.

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It varies depending on the issue but a few general things I've found helpful which may or may not help for you:

Talk about it when he's not in the middle of it any more, so not while he's experiencing the emotional reaction, but later. This also means it's easier for me to stay calm and not add a level of anxiety to what's already there.
Think through what I'm going to say so I can make sure I'm not imposing my perspective without any kind of reflection. Am I being fair?
Take time to consider patterns of behaviour that I might be in a position to observe that he might not be aware of.
Separate his behaviour from him as a whole person, so instead of "you made me cry" it's "I understand that you were feeling stressed but when you (whatever it was) I feel (scared/upset/belittled)"
Don't tell him what to do about it or how to feel about it - give the feedback, because that's essentially what it is, then allow processing time. Equally don't let him tell me how to feel about it. 'Well you shouldn't feel like that', for example, is a dismissal, not a response.
Focus on what I need from the conversation. I don't need him to agree with me, I don't need validation, and I don't need him to sympathise, I need him to understand that his perspective is not the only one and his actions have an impact on those around him.

And perhaps the biggest one - don't let one emotional reaction stop you talking about it. Trying to stop you talking about it is a very common reaction to someone being told something they don't want to hear. If it works, they learn that very quickly. It takes some very persistent and consistent handling but if it's important enough that you're making the time and effort to address it, then it's worth that.

Pigeonqueen · 26/12/2024 23:21

unlikelychump · 26/12/2024 23:05

Interesting again, thanks for coming back to the thread. Two of our kids are in diagnosis too, so there is a lot of autism talk in our house. It is generally quite exhausting tbh. (And we are struggling to know the best way to parent them, collectively and individually).

He isn't really in a place to do a lot of reading around any subject, and of course not everyone is a reader.

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That is true I guess. My son (13) has autism too, although his is more at the severe end than mine - he attends a complex needs school for children with autism. I masked until I was in my 30s and had ds and that brought things to light for me. We talk about autism a lot in our house too, my dh has bipolar and adhd so we all drive each other crazy in our own ways (!)

velodrome · 27/12/2024 07:40

I’ll think about it again. its kind of you to post thank you Gliblet