Online dating man gives me the eebee jeebies but I don't know why!

[Pancaked]

I got chatting to someone via a dating website, we have decent banter via whatsapp, with a very similar sense of humour....but every now and then he'd say something that set off alarm bells. In the cold light of day, its nothing much, the sort of thing where someone would say 'I was only joking.' I met him today and continued to feel quite alarmed at some level, despite him being good company and not bad to look at. Of course having had a diastrous marriage I may well just be projecting stuff...but I have had other first dates which didnt work out - but I certainly didnt have this anxiety feeling with them. Its so hard to know if its just me being anxious or if there is something Im picking up on. I know MN cant answer this really, just wanted to knwo whether anyone else has had similar but its passed once you'd got to know the person? My instinct is to run away...but is this too hasty??

Always trust your gut!

@ruralwanderer Yes I think you're right

You have instincts for a reason. They’re not just woo - as women, we’ve evolved them to keep us safe.

Can you give some examples? It's hard to tell without having some context. Edited to say I agree with others, trust your gut.

Trust your gut.

even if this man has not done anything wrong. You feel this way for a reason and that’s ok.

even if that reason is as simple as you have come out of a long relationship and this has highlighted you are not ready that’s ok!

on the other side, maybe he is doing subtle things that you can not quite put your finger on but it doesn’t actually matter because.

you are not feeling it for whatever reason and that is enough.

infact there doesn’t need to be any reason!

Just the fact you are not comfortable and feeling good is a perfectly fine reason to break it off. Even if you felt fine and just decided for no reason at all is a good enough reason to break it off.

don’t ignore your feelings and don’t ignore your boundaries.

@Ginkypig Thats really well put, thank you

@ginasevern I had to postpone our first meet up by a couple of days, when I rearranged he said 'You better be worth it.' When I was slow responding to a message he texted 'Are you still there.' He texts multiple times during the day asking what I'm up to, how's my day going. He tried to kiss me outside the cafe after our coffee date...I pulled away and laughed it off saying I don't do kisses on first dates, but he tried to kiss me again as I was about to get on the bus.

Nah this one’s not good. Chuck him back.

So he’s rude and pushy by text and totally ignored your boundary, after being told shortly before, in person?

Your warning bells are ringing for a reason!!

Simply put, he sounds like a dick! To use a dated term, that’s just ungentlemanly. If he’s like this at the beginning, imagine what he’ll be like further in the relationship. Your instincts are there for a reason and serving you well

Your instincts sound spot on here - don’t ignore them!

I absolutely would not have met up after those messages.

Up your online standards!

Your instincts are spot on with this one.

Nope, throw this one back.

No. Your instincts are telling you to run. End it.

Ltb

Don’t see him again. He’s a weirdo.

Oh god your follow up makes him sound awful.

ye you have definitely had enough with the divorce without adding that behaviour!

dating is meant to be fun and make you feel good.

dont put up with shit. Honey it is better to be alone for the rest of your life than getting attached to an arsehole!

It is your subconscious warning you.

Thank you everyone, I will not be taking things any further with him!

Look up the Gift of Fear. We have an instinctual subconscious reflex that will keep us safe and we should listen to it. I’ve felt this way about 4 people in my life. They all turned out to be convicted sexual offenders (though 2 of them ended up being arrested for the first time AFTER I met them).

One of them I nearly got disciplined at work for refusing his volunteer application to volunteer with vulnerable children on our caseload. He just made the hairs on the back of my neck stand up, though he had an impeccable record of voluntary work with children. 6 months later, there he was in the paper being arrested for grooming a 14 year old online.

I don’t mean in any way to insinuate that this guy is some sort of rapist. But the primitive instinct that’s kept us alive for thousands and thousands of years is firing up for a reason and I would trust it even if you can’t fully understand it.

Try reading the posts from The Burned Haystack Dating Method on social media. It will help you weed out the unsuitable ones.

He'll be projecting an ideal version of himself them letting his mask drop intermittantly and your instincts are noticing something is not quite right because something may not be quite right.

He just comes across as a bit of a twat. Not dangerous as such but simply very unattractive. Glad you aren’t going to continue dating him. You’ll find someone right for you.

He comes across as pushy, and possibly controlling/needy - with the 'are you still there' comment because you didn't reply straight away. He tried to kiss you once, you said no, so he tried again - he's pushing your boundaries to see how far he can push you. That's a complete lack of respect for your wishes. Your gut instinct is correct to be ringing alarm bells.