I’ve realised, over a number of years, that I have an “ick” reaction to men who overtly spew forth about being “allies” to women. A bit like that “uncanny valley” reaction to something you see that doesn’t seem right.
The “good” men I know in my life will happily let me explain why something, that may come across as innocuous or everyday, is actually wrong or an everyday challenge for women. They’ll listen and not try to explain away or excuse. It’s the ones who seem really good with their words, trying too hard to be “not like that” that make me feel uncomfortable. Hard to explain, but it really makes me uneasy.
I've not really been aware of much of BL’s work (a bit older than target audience probably), but I kept seeing headlines a few months ago and thought wow she seems to have imploded her reputation. With the recent info coming out, it’s made me realise even more how much SM etc can manipulate situations.
Having reverted to being more of a lurker on this site, rather than reacting to and posting on threads, has made me see patterns a bit more easily with regards to both blatant and (trying to be) covert apologists with regards to how men behave. It’s been really shocking, seeing numerous threads play out over the last year or so, how many posters seem to minimise or excuse things as being everyday or acceptable behaviour. Especially, as others have pointed out, with it seeming to depend on how “nice” the woman at the heart of it is.
As an aside, one doesn’t have to have volunteered in a particular setting to be deemed worthy of an opinion. Equally important is having everyday conversations with men and boys who are in your own sphere of life - not as a rant or lecture, but conversations that can be introduced in the right setting re everyday issues and problems around moving through life and treating the opposite sex with respect. Throwing “have you volunteered” at people really isn’t the shutdown that some people in life think it is.