Dating someone with a different world view

[flowersrain1]

Interested to hear others' opinions...

I am currently dating a guy who I am very attracted to. He is totally different to my exes who were professionals and university educated, current guy is a bricklayer. I am from a middle class background; he is from a working class background. I am fairly liberal in my world view whereas he is not - he grew up and still lives in a town where there has been a lot of immigration and a lack of assimilation so this has coloured his view on immigration and the problems in this country,. I have not experienced this so don't feel the same way. He isn't racist and has friends of other races etc but has a problem with those who don't integrate, and with the government for allowing this. I enjoy debating this topic with him as I exist in an echo chamber a lot of the time and he does raise points that I would not have considered otherwise but I am wondering if maybe this means we are not compatible? Otherwise we have similar values - family ties, loyalty etc etc.

I'm not racist, but.

I can't be racist, my best mate is black.

@SatansBobbleheadedDashboardOrnament his point is more along the lines of people coming here and not assimilating, not being against people of other races per se

This statement is simplistic and adds nothing.

Re-read the post and what the OP is trying to justify.

Depends how fixed he is in his views. He will be in is own echo chamber. Personally, I'd find constant debating with a partner exhausting.

You may not be compatible with someone who raises points that you might not otherwise have considered?

I'm struggling to understand how you get through life.

Have you never travelled anywhere, seen the world or even just worked with colleagues from different walks of life? 😳

@SatansBobbleheadedDashboardOrnament I'm not trying to justify anything, I am asking if two people of different backgrounds and therefore different viewpoints can get on

@SwanRivers not really - I have lived a very sheltered life if I am honest

My feelings about immigration and asylum are rooted in beliefs about intrinsic human value. I could 'debate' with someone who 'had problems' with it, but wouldn't expect them to change, nor for my own views to be altered by such an exchange.

You say you 'live in an echo chamber' most of the time: who has pointed this out? Is it really your own self-reflection or something your new friend has highlighted as a means to undermine your point of view, as in 'you're existing in a middle class, liberal echo chamber (subtext: 'so your views are merely theoretical, whereas I, a salt-of-the-earth, honest brickie, have lived experience of my town going to the dogs due to immigration').

Why are you repeatedly debating this?

He's entitled to his opinion and 'liberal' people accept that others are entitled their views.

What does he mean about people who don't integrate? From what you have described it doesn't give us any idea!

This could be him briefly mention that he feels there are 2 parts to his town: my town definitely has 2 parts as we have a very large Orthodox Jewish community who very much keep themselves to themselves, the community has been there many many years and Jewish people come here from around the world for education! They are a very private community who even have their own ambulance service, schools etc this is the way it has always been.

Can you give an idea of where this town is located and where you were brought up?

I think this is very valuable information.....for example I live around 45min drive from a city which is very deprived, poor life expectancy and high levels of unemployment with mass immigration also.
I feel very unsafe walking around after dark.....there are a lot of men who's first language isn't English hanging around city centre, lots of staring.....walking very near to you etc as a women I feel very uneasy.
Very different to my closest city centre where it is slightly better funded etc I do feel safer however we do know there are still gangs that prey on young girls in large group to groom them (like Rochdale) and this scares me as a mother.

@flowersrain1 shades of you seeing a working class tradesman as an exotic pet who adds colour to your ‘echo chamber’ life. It’s likely he views you in the same way.

Unless you can find basic principles in agreement the debating will eventually turn to justification and then defence and the excitement of being with someone so different will turn to resentment.

No. Never.
That's why there is no such things as people mixing from different backgrounds and having successful relationships....

I am sorry but this is the wierdest class thing I saw so far and I count "oh you eat hummus, how middle class" gag😳

On a serious note, if opinions are way too affar and extreme, it will not work (even if you are from same background)

Perhaps try reading books or watching videos from around the world etc?

I think this is less about this man, and more about your lack of understanding of the wider world outside of your own limited space.

You won't just be incompatible with him, there'll literally be hundreds of people you'll struggle to work with/mix with if you don't do something about it.

Of course they can. You have to be open minded for it to work though.

My husband is Colombian but moved to the USA as a teenager. I'm from New Zealand from a working class / bordering middle class family.

We are different culturally despite both speaking English. We have different political views, although, as I travel extensively my views are changing.

We have had to be respectful and tolerant of our differences, agreeing to disagree. He has challenged my views and vice versa, sometimes we change our views after being challenged and seeing new information.

You do have to be pretty resilient to make it work, but I think it adds interest in the relationship. We have been married very happily now 17 years so I think we've proven you can go the distance.

FWIW I was very strongly left wing, but NZ behaviour during Covid changed my views substantially. He has been more independent / right wing but moved a bit left on some issues. We take it issue by issue.

I don’t think you’ll be compatible with him long term. It’s ok for people to have differing opinions, but the person you’re in a partnership with needs to get you and respect you and to some extent share your world view for you to be comfortable and at peace together.

It’s sounds as if you have a lot of theories about things and he has a lot of lived experience. Maybe you should listen to him to undertand his views and perhaps be more open minded . There might be things you can learn from each other.

I think provided you are open to discussion and can be outside your comfort zone and still have the same models there is some discussion to be had.

Switch the argument around - does he have a problem with ex pat communities in overseas countries then? Eg I have friends who live and work in Malawi and they are white and British and working as part of the UN. They do not integrate with the local community whatsoever except through their jobs and needs must. By the same ideology he would have a problem with their attitude. They are living and working and contributing to the local economy but not integrating with anyone (it’s just a job we live, earn, work and go home attitude).

The most intelligent person I know (and I went to Oxbridge) has no GCSEs. Don’t equate education with intelligence or being a brick layer with not being intelligent. My hairdresser and I on paper qualification very different. She is incredibly bright - far more than me. She’s a tremendous judge of character, smart, savvy and I could not do a decent job on someone’s hair if they were bald and just wanted to stay bald. I certainly couldn’t lay a brick wall.

But you can’t equate racism with what friends you have.

What about a church who tries wherever possible to give work to people within that church or community so offers any jobs - are they integrated? Challenge your own beliefs and your own thinking.

I remember a very vocal 18 year old English very well to do family and she was private school and lived in the local Manor House. During the start of BLM she wrote on our local WA village group about how she was posting to ‘use her voice about our white privilege and she was in support of BLM etc one post to challenge all the ‘older people on the village’. That’s great. And then what did she do? I don’t know I left the area. But it challenged my thinking. It’s great to say violence against women is unacceptable but what then.

I’d eat my hat if he was actually listening to her and then adapting his world view. It’s always the women who end up being more flexible.

Whether he’d be a good partner or not depends on his approach.

A former partner of mine had 3 GCSEs to my post graduate qualifications. But he always sought to understand situations better, was questioning in order to find out more, honest about the limitations of his knowledge, slow to judge, took a nuanced view. We split for other reasons and are still friends.

Is this man like this?

If you didn’t fancy him, could you see yourself being his friend?

Integration is a huge complex topic. In order for it to be successful, it takes a lot more than willingness on the part of the immigrants involved.

Did you buy your Christmas snacks from Waitrose, Tesco or Aldi?

What if someone buys them from all three? 😳

I did. It's beautiful.

He's racist. 'those that don't integrate'. What does that even mean? Wearing Islamic style clothes, speaking other languages? He doesn't necessarily 'integrate' with Oxbridge Professors but that doesn't make him less of a person, because of his social class/education.
So he's a snob as well. Maybe he likes Nigel Farage and Donald Trump. And Tommy Robinson? I'd not be keen on dating a xenophobe who's clearly fine with his dodgy views.

To be fair I'd find it difficult to adapt my world view/lived experience, when debating with someone who admits they haven't really travelled anywhere, seen the world or even just worked with colleagues from different walks of life.

It'd definitely be a challenge.