Left out of mothers obituary

Searchingforananswer2023 · 2024-12-19T22:45:57+00:00

Can I have thoughts/opinions on this please... Parent has 6 biological children, estranged from two into adulthood. Parent passes away and five out of the six are listed in the obituary, made public online X was the parent of child 1/2/3/4/5. Child 6 wiped out of the picture completely.

StSwithinsDay · 19/12/2024 22:53

This happened to a friend of mine when her sister died. Her death notice said 'dearly loved and loving sister of John and Mary and sister of Susan'. My friend is Susan. I don't know what the back story was between Susan and her sister but there obviously was one.

MadridMadridMadrid · 19/12/2024 23:09

Who wrote the obituary?

DogInATent · 19/12/2024 23:12

Child 6 wasn't involved/didn't involve themselves in the arrangements?
Was child 6 one of the estranged children? and estranged from the deceased or from the whole family?

BarbaraHoward · 19/12/2024 23:13

I assume child six was one of the ones she was estranged from? And presumably for a very long time?

May the family have been trying to avoid child 6 finding out and attending the funeral?

I can understand child 6 feeling extremely hurt, but if the estrangement had been total and very long term I can also see why the family may make that decision. There was clearly a lot of hurt involved even before the announcement.

PermanentTemporary · 19/12/2024 23:16

I've just been to my mother in laws funeral and my husband wasn't mentioned in the eulogy, and wasn't in any of the photos on display. Certainly not me either but I didn't expect that, though a bit odd not even to acknowledge the daughters in law or the son in law. Much idder though, none of the grandchildren mentioned. Maybe it didn't matter - at least we were present - but I found it a bit weird (and can't help thinking that only a funeral planned by two men could have had this outcome).

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 19/12/2024 23:16

StSwithinsDay · 19/12/2024 22:53

This happened to a friend of mine when her sister died. Her death notice said 'dearly loved and loving sister of John and Mary and sister of Susan'. My friend is Susan. I don't know what the back story was between Susan and her sister but there obviously was one.

Edited

Ooh - meow! There was need for that whatever the back story.
Sister of John Mary and Susan, much loved and missed - that would have been fine.

Bigearringsbigsmile · 19/12/2024 23:18

If child 6 was estranged then why would they be mentioned?

HoundsOfHelfire · 19/12/2024 23:21

It’s a bizarre thing to do

Shopgirl1 · 19/12/2024 23:22

I find this awful and so sad. Child 6 is still their child. Estrangement is not divorce. It’s a blood relationship that can’t be changed.

Bigearringsbigsmile · 19/12/2024 23:39

But if the child has cut themselves out of the parents life and caused what is likely to be years of heartbreak and grief then why should they get a mention?

fortifiedwithtea · 19/12/2024 23:40

I wasn’t mentioned in the eulogy of my father. I am an only child 😳 how peak is that?

Mum talked a lot of how my Dad lived for his grandchildren aka the kids I brought into the world that somehow I wasn’t mentioned.

It was a burial and I had a very real fear of falling into the grave as I have poorly controlled epilepsy. As I refused to throw soil on the coffin the lay preacher took this as confirmation that we were not close. And was tactless AF , he actually asked me was I not close to my father?

Truth is we had a massive falling out before he was diagnosed with cancer. He flew into an almighty rage at my (at the time) none verbal SEN daughter. I scooped her up and ordered him from my house. It was an ugly scene. But I never abandoned him and held his hand for his last dying breath.

Still hurts

AppleDumplingWithCustard · 19/12/2024 23:41

This happened to a work colleague of mine. Not allowed any input into her mother’s funeral arrangements. A mother she had a perfectly good relationship with. Brother and two sisters mentioned by name at the funeral but no mention of my colleague. They then had the bloody effrontery to send her a bill for a quarter of the funeral costs. She took my advice and told them to get stuffed.

slightlydistrac · 19/12/2024 23:45

MadridMadridMadrid · 19/12/2024 23:09

Who wrote the obituary?

Yes, it's difficult to form any kind of opinion without knowing who wrote it.

Parentalalienation · 19/12/2024 23:46

I suspect this is likely to happen to me when my abusive parents who I'm estranged from die. I'm expecting to find out from someone who lives in my home town to be honest.
As for being in the eulogy, I won't be there to hear whether I'm mentioned or not.

Cyclebabble · 20/12/2024 00:07

I have two DSs. My DH has dementia. One has been great over this period. One got DH to sign a POA so they could use his money (cost me significant expenditure to get this removed). He also made false claims to social services that I was abusing him and on the time he has spent with him has grabbed his debit card and spent more than £2k on spending for himself. He now does not visit as there is nothing in it for him. I am not sure I will be including him in the eulogy if I am writing it no.

Original poster

Searchingforananswer2023 · 20/12/2024 00:25

MadridMadridMadrid · 19/12/2024 23:09

Who wrote the obituary?

Child 4 wrote the obituary

OP posts:

Original poster

Searchingforananswer2023 · 20/12/2024 00:27

DogInATent · 19/12/2024 23:12

Child 6 wasn't involved/didn't involve themselves in the arrangements?
Was child 6 one of the estranged children? and estranged from the deceased or from the whole family?

Child 6 was estranged due to disclosing sexual abuse at the hands of Child 1 and 2. Child 3 estranged for longer but still got a mension

OP posts:

Original poster

Searchingforananswer2023 · 20/12/2024 00:27

Bigearringsbigsmile · 19/12/2024 23:18

If child 6 was estranged then why would they be mentioned?

Because they exist

OP posts:

Original poster

Searchingforananswer2023 · 20/12/2024 00:28

Shopgirl1 · 19/12/2024 23:22

I find this awful and so sad. Child 6 is still their child. Estrangement is not divorce. It’s a blood relationship that can’t be changed.

This is what I think. It is a matter of fact that child 6 exists

OP posts:

SuperfluousHen · 20/12/2024 00:34

Searchingforananswer2023 · 20/12/2024 00:27

Child 6 was estranged due to disclosing sexual abuse at the hands of Child 1 and 2. Child 3 estranged for longer but still got a mension

Show quote history

Oh my 😢😢😢
I’m so sorry, OP 💐

WearyAuldWumman · 20/12/2024 00:41

That's hurtful, OP.

My husband's obituary/death notice didn't mention his ex-wife, but of course their children were included, together with his DIL and grandchild.

The ex was included in the eulogy. (I wrote most of it, but the celebrant was allowed to tweak it.)

AcrossthePond55 · 20/12/2024 01:41

@Searchingforananswer2023

Just playing Devil's advocate here, but is it possible that the mother left instructions that child 6 not be mentioned due to the nature of the estrangement? It sounds as if the mother took the side of children 1 & 2 against child 6. If child 3 was estranged for a different reason, perhaps the mother didn't consider that reason serious 'enough' to warrant being left out.

Or, since I'm assuming children 1 & 2 were part of the funeral planning, chances are they pushed for child 6 not to be mentioned. If the 'planners' were children 1, 2, and 4 (with 3 and 6 being estranged) then I assume 1 & 2 pressured 4 into omitting 6.

Original poster

Searchingforananswer2023 · 20/12/2024 16:36

AcrossthePond55 · 20/12/2024 01:41

@Searchingforananswer2023

Just playing Devil's advocate here, but is it possible that the mother left instructions that child 6 not be mentioned due to the nature of the estrangement? It sounds as if the mother took the side of children 1 & 2 against child 6. If child 3 was estranged for a different reason, perhaps the mother didn't consider that reason serious 'enough' to warrant being left out.

Or, since I'm assuming children 1 & 2 were part of the funeral planning, chances are they pushed for child 6 not to be mentioned. If the 'planners' were children 1, 2, and 4 (with 3 and 6 being estranged) then I assume 1 & 2 pressured 4 into omitting 6.

Child 4 would need no pressure to omit. Huge financial gain for keeping quiet, estate worth millions. Nothing for child 6 for shaming the family.

OP posts:

BobbyBiscuits · 20/12/2024 16:40

This must seem really hurtful. But they are words written by someone who chose to write what they did. It's not factual, though most obituaries tend to lean that way. But the fact that child 6 was 'estranged' must be the reason.
It's just words written down, it doesn't make the person closer or less close to the deceased.
It sounds hurtful, but please ask them to try and move on from it. No good will come of making familial relations more strained.

Original poster

Searchingforananswer2023 · 20/12/2024 18:24

BobbyBiscuits · 20/12/2024 16:40

This must seem really hurtful. But they are words written by someone who chose to write what they did. It's not factual, though most obituaries tend to lean that way. But the fact that child 6 was 'estranged' must be the reason.
It's just words written down, it doesn't make the person closer or less close to the deceased.
It sounds hurtful, but please ask them to try and move on from it. No good will come of making familial relations more strained.

Relationship non-existent due to cover-up of sexual abuse against child 6.

OP posts: