Thread 16 - TalkLair: "Well, I'm not exactly quaking in my stylish-yet-affordable boots, but there's definitely something unnatural going on here."

[Kucinghitam]

(Previous thread 15).

Another year over, a new one just begun...

In the TalkLair, the hearth is glowing, the walls festooned with tinsel, books by non-approved authors line the shelves, rugs are down on the floors, the tree is twinkling with fairy lights (and possibly being clambered on by cats). The denizens of the lair are a welcoming bunch though, always eager for general chit-chat on all manner of topics.

We just won’t mention the gnawed bones of our prey Christmas roast beast over there in the corner of the cave…

We stayed one night as a family in what we later realised was one of those hotels that lets rooms out by the hour. Just the one night, en route somewhere else fortunately. There were a lot of people wandering around in the corridors all night.

A whole new meaning to the phrase "Vice Squad"....

My Gran and her friend stayed in a rooms by the hour hotel in New Orleans, they were in their 60s. That was 1985/6. The ladies were rather hostile, until they twigged that they were unsuspecting British tourists!

They had to stay for 2 nights, before finding a decent place. They thought it was a great lark.

When we worked in Taiwan there were loads of what were called Love Hotels that could be booked by the hour. Never in my life have I been anywhere with so many brothels, there was practically one on every street.

Because not many 'foreigners' (as we were known) had televisions or video players, groups of EFL teachers would book a room for an evening so they could watch films in comfort. It was thought by locals to be very strange.

Help me out here please! Can you explain this joke? I've got nothing. Well, Lear, obviously, but?

If Mr Lear had wanted a unicorn he'd have written a unicorn.

I'm assuming that the right hand owl simply identified as a unicorn.

Mini self-pitying rant incoming. Feel free to TL:DR.

It's DD1 again. When she's fine, she is absolutely lovely.

The problem is she's on a hair-trigger for taking offence/upset, which inevitably leads to a full-on tantrum (genuinely very toddler-like) and we're often walking on eggshells around her. It is not fun. And there's no end of things that DD1 will find herself triggered by (amongst the numerous instances last week, an example was the hotel breakfast running out of Nutella one morning - she stormed back to the room to cry). DD2 has got massively fed-up with all this and now often deliberately pokes the bear with lots of "Why are you so upset? You're being silly! XYZ is no big deal!"; I'm finding it hard to tell her to stop because it's hard enough to stop myself from rolling my eyes and saying something sarcastic.

Related to that is DD1 often seems unrelentingly negative about herself. E.g. - both have been amazing singers since they were little. Their school does a weekly open mic type concert during break, where anyone can step up and sing or play an instrument. They used to regularly participate either singly or as a double act. A couple of years ago, DD1 decided she hated DD2 and wouldn't perform with her. Then she decided she wouldn't perform any more. Her music teacher actually directly approached us to ask whether anything had happened! Then she decided she would quit the main school choir. Last month DDs did their performance recordings for GCSE Music - DD1 came home in tears shouting that "I've probably failed!" Now the latest thing is she's declared she won't carry on to her next singing grade "because she's not good enough" - this is the opposite of what her singing teacher says.

I think she's comparing herself to DD2, which I accept is inevitable with identical twins, but she seems to be engineering herself a self-fulfilling fuck-up. The main difference between them isn't ability or smarts or cuteness, it's that DD2 isn't setting herself up at war with the universe.

Oh Kuc, that does sound hard all round. How old are they now - 15? Poor DD1, and poor rest of you being her punchbag. I hope it passes. I'm not a twin but I do remember hating myself fairly comprehensively at 13/14/15, and also doing a lot of self-sabotage which just compounded things. It got better for me in VI form.

Yes 15, nearly 16.

I'm worried DD1 will underperform at GCSEs. We're not pushy tiger parents but we (and their school) know what they are capable of. Both DDs did fine in her mocks, but I noticed DD1 wasn't revising particularly well in the run-up. School have provided loads of material but it is all online, which means I can't tell whether she's studying or just wasting time on Tumblr websites that she shouldn't be on. DD2 however seems much more inclined to knuckle down and get through her work.

So altogether DD1 has decided she's not as academic as her sister, not as good a singer, etc etc. and (huge teenage leap) therefore it's not worth bothering at all.

I can't even bear to imagine if she doesn't get the grades for her preferred sixth form college and ends up in the local one that she dislikes. The persecution complex will be next-level 😫

Oh Kuc that's so hard! To see one of your kids fucking up at school is hard enough (two of mine did) but to see her unhappy in her home life and over such small things is doubly hard. Has anything happened to her at school or outside it that might have triggered such a reaction? Do the DDs ever do anything separately? One tactic might be to give her a field of her own to excel in, different from anything DD2 does. I imagine when you're identical twins it must be hard to individuate if your only way is by comparing yourself to the other.

This is reminding me of the identical twin boys of one of my oldest and dearest friends. They have two non twin older sisters to whom I am godmother, so I've known them since before they were born and they're about to turn 38. Both are incredibly talented artists and have been since they were very small, and both were obsessed with movies and went to the same university's film school. Older twin A is slightly more talented than his brother B and actually had a graphic novel published when he was 18. They made little indie movies together in film school. Since uni, A went to America, sponsored by somebody, and ended up working as an animator for Pixar among others, and maintains a website. B went through a profound period of depression, tried and got nowhere as a stand-up comedian (we went to a performance) but now has an excellent job as a storyboard artist at first and then in charge of a team, and also has a nice girlfriend. A meanwhile had a relationship with his sponsor that has now broken up and is living alone in LA and managing OK with his freelance work but maybe not as spectacularly as was thought when he was younger.

Yes, it sounds like DD1 need something distinctive of her own to reduce feeling compared/competitive. Probably her worst fear is that she might be slightly worse than DD2 and it would feel better to be a complete fuck up and be all dramatic about it than to try hard and come out with a B when DD2 gets the A (or equivalent, if you see what I mean). Of course, it doesn't help if actually they're both good at similar things! Sympathies, kuc, that must be a very difficult and painful scenario to witness/manage. The temptation to shout stop being an arse must be almost overwhelming.

Thank you all for your sympathetic ears! We try so hard not to compare them; I think they do the comparing thing to themselves. We have tried to encourage them into different fields over the years but it is difficult because they have very similar interests and abilities (e.g. both gravitating to music/singing). They're looking towards some differences in A-level subjects and, if all goes to plan, separate sixth forms. I really hope that will help the mood and relationship.

I expect that part of the hair-trigger moodiness is growing GCSE stress, although DD1 has been getting like this for several years. It's just all getting to a point where DD2 just can't stop herself from reacting to it now (and getting some "fun" out of winding her sister up), TBH I can't really blame her - I find the eggshells and the tantrums tiresome and I'm an adult.

I'm sure they face the comparison from other quarters, though, kuc - but even if they didn't, I bet they could invent it all by themselves! It's so hard as a teen trying to get a sense of yourself and it must be super hard with another version there - potentially hard at least. It would be nice to think it would be a source of strength. At least it sounds like they'll find a way to pursue independent paths. It would be worse if they were unnaturally bonded, dressed the same and married brothers!

Goodness me, Kuc, what a sad state of affairs. I can't think of anything useful to say, so can only sympathise.

That sounds really hard, Kuc! Fingers crossed DD1 finds something that’s hers alone soon. It does sound like that would help.

I'm just hoping things will improve after GCSEs. And that they don't get much worse before they get better 🤞

That sounds exhausting all round, Kuc.

I hope it diminishes once GCSE stress is over, and in the meantime offer sympathy, gin, and a screaming pillow.

That sounds very difficult for all of you, Kuc. I hope she grows out of it, also that she finds something she excels at.

Me and my twin are f/m so there was never that sort of competition between us, which I'm very glad about. Even so we've chosen completely different paths in life. I would have hated to be feel I was competing against him.

I'm just going to keep chanting "This too shall pass..."

It shall pass. They're at a really difficult age and exam pressure is far more than it was back in my day. I think it's easier for DD2 to not be full of tantrums because her sister is doing that for both of them so she doesn't have to. I hope that as you say they go to different subjects and end up in different sixth forms because that will give them both the chance to be seen as individuals and will hopefully repair their relationship as well. I'm not a mum so I have no helpful advice at all but I'm sure if you just keep loving her and letting her know how much she's loved then, yes, this too shall pass. The teen years are so bloody hard.

I think it's easier for DD2 to not be full of tantrums because her sister is doing that for both of them so she doesn't have to.

I think you're a genius @FagsMagsandBags - this sounds spot on!

The teen years are also harder for some than others, and at different times. MiniPSB was a very late developer in that regard, so all was smooth until he got to 17 1/2 then he was a pain for about 6 months. But friends' kids, usually the girls, had much worse times.

My DD was lovely as a teen - older DS was a pain when he was 17+ and discovered alcohol. Younger DS was personally very nice but incredibly stubborn (and remains so at age 37) and not inclined to exert himself in any way. Sadly I don't think DD has ever forgiven me for moving to the USA and we physically see each other only once or sometimes twice a year, though obviously we talk and videocall on WhatsApp, not enough for my liking though she leads a very busy life with full time work and two young children.

Some of you guys are Buffy the Vampire Slayer fans aren't you? (I'm not - never seen it). However, the NYT has just announced the death of Michelle Trachtenberg, one of the actors in that series, at the age of 39. Found unresponsive in her apartment, it said, but no cause given yet.