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Original poster

It’s a wedding one.

60 replies

Ginkypig · 18/12/2024 21:11

So I am very much it’s the couples wedding so it’s their rules person.

so a family have all had an invite to a wedding next year.
the whole wedding and the evening do is all at one venue.

Grandparent, parent to one of the couple and siblings of the parent so uncle’s and aunt’s of the person getting married.
the wedding is being held at least 2-4 hours away from them depending upon where they are so everyone is travelling and going to stay in a hotel for the night before and the night of the wedding.

when the invitations arrived the aunts and uncles invitations were missing menus thinking it was a mix up or an error they asked the others what the menu was so as not to bother the couple who are obviously busy arranging a wedding. The others also thought that somehow some of the invitations had got messed up.

eventually one of them contacted the bride and groom to rsvp give their food choices etc to to be told

no it wasn’t a mistake we hope you understand but it’s expensive and there are limits to how many can be in the room so we couldn’t invite everyone for the meal.

so that means these family members have been invited for the wedding then not invited to the meal but are invited to the remaining part of the wedding from the end of the meal onwards. The other family members have been invited for the meal so they will be there all day.

so that means these few are to come for the ceremony then go away and kill some time somewhere (maybe try to find somewhere to eat) then go back to the venue for the rest of the wedding.

they have gone back and looked at the invitations now they know and except for the missing menu it looks exactly the same as the family members who have been invited for the whole thing so it’s not very clear that they had a gap in the middle that they haven’t been invited to.

is this a thing now?

they have been perfectly polite about it and won’t obviously bring it up but are thinking it is a little weird.
They have decided that they will go and try to find somewhere to eat as otherwise they will not have eaten since breakfast due to the ceremony timings and the wedding could possibly go on until quite late on. If it had been close to home they could’ve have nipped home but obviously as said above they have had to travel.

when they they were telling me I have never heard of this before but then I don’t have a lot of experience with weddings and definitely not recently. I do find it a bit off to be honest also I also understand that weddings are expensive.

what do others think?

is it weird or is it just how weddings are done now?

like I said I’m very much couples day their rules but I do feel like it might have been better or rather easier to have just been transparent and invite them to the ceremony or the evening do as this gapin the middle just makes it awkward day for them.

just to be clear this is not a bash the couple thread. Even if I and they don’t understand it or think it’s a bit weird they are just going with the rules and hold no animosity.

OP posts:
bugalugs45 · 18/12/2024 21:23

Well it's not something I've ever heard of and it's definitely weird, would I be offended ? Erm probably 😳
I guess it's marginally better than an evening only invite but also massively inconvenient

mindutopia · 18/12/2024 21:31

It’s definitely not a thing as far as I’ve seen. It’s quite rude and I suspect there will be a lot of hungry annoyed guests, because no one will assume they aren’t invited for the meal. I personally wouldn’t be going, but that’s just me. If you want people to travel to your wedding, you’ve got to at least feed them.

redgingerbread · 18/12/2024 21:33

I think that’s rude, especially as it wasn’t made clear in the invitation.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Weddings
SometimesCalmPerson · 18/12/2024 21:34

I’ve heard of people who are invited to evening celebrations also be invited to the ceremony if it’s at a local church, but the situation you describe is just rude.

Some couples care more about the venue they want for photos instead of the venue they need to host their guests properly.

Brefugee · 18/12/2024 21:37

I would decline

vincettenoir · 18/12/2024 21:39

It’s not very celebratory is it? It doesn’t contribute to a joyful, party atmosphere. I mean I understand making difficult decisions to keep to a budget but it seems like a bad call.

WateryBottle · 18/12/2024 21:39

I generally am also in favour of respecting the couple’s wishes for their day, but there are limits to that, and this exceeds those limits. Fucking rude.

Original poster
Ginkypig · 18/12/2024 21:40

See this is make me feel a bit better.

i was thinking that this family and I were just being a bit stupid to not get that this is the norm now.

but from the responses so far I see that yep it is off and a bit weird and we were right to think of it as such 😂 we have all avoided using the rude word when speaking about it, them because they are very polite and me as it’s not my circus to get het up about.

OP posts:
buttonousmaximous · 18/12/2024 21:41

My sister was once invited to the church and evening do. But not the day element. If they are happy to attend and go for a meal separately then fair enough. Other option is go to the wedding and leave after (skip the evening) or decline

HunterHearstHelmsley · 18/12/2024 21:41

That's very rude if you have travelling guests. I wonder if they're inviting to the ceremony and evening do expecting full day gifts from evening attendees. Sucks to be them as the gift budget will be going on lunch!

WinterPine · 18/12/2024 21:43

I've been to a wedding where the couple did this.

I didn't realise as we were invited to all of it but put my foot in it after when I said to a couple sat near us something like "see you at the venue" and they said "no we aren't coming to that bit we are off to the pub but see you in the evening".

It got worse at the venue where a couple missed the memo completely that they weren't invited to the middle bit and had to be turned away by the best man 🙈 horrendous!! Just not worth the extra admin.

If you can't afford the meal just invite those people to the evening only.

StormingNorman · 18/12/2024 21:45

I’d tell them to fuck off (in my head) and politely decline. I’m not forking out for a hotel room just to make up the numbers.

Original poster
Ginkypig · 18/12/2024 21:51

StormingNorman · 18/12/2024 21:45

I’d tell them to fuck off (in my head) and politely decline. I’m not forking out for a hotel room just to make up the numbers.

Well they may have declined but by the time they realised they had sent the rsvp and everyone had booked the hotel to make sure they all got rooms in the same hotel as each other.
it was a day or so later when one of the siblings called to ask should they just txt their food choices as some of them hadn’t received a menu.

I mean they haven’t actually said they would have declined but I think at least one of them would have as they are the least happy about it.

OP posts:
DarkAndTwisties · 18/12/2024 21:52

I've heard of this happening a couple of times on MN. If the wedding involved any kind of travel for me, I wouldn't go. I think it's very rude. Work out how many guests you can feed, and invite that many. Maybe add some evening guests if you want, but don't expect people to kill a few hours wandering around dressed for a wedding before you deign to allow them back in.

Brefugee · 18/12/2024 22:02

Ginkypig · 18/12/2024 21:51

Well they may have declined but by the time they realised they had sent the rsvp and everyone had booked the hotel to make sure they all got rooms in the same hotel as each other.
it was a day or so later when one of the siblings called to ask should they just txt their food choices as some of them hadn’t received a menu.

I mean they haven’t actually said they would have declined but I think at least one of them would have as they are the least happy about it.

Show quote history

Can't they cancel the hotel? How far away is this wedding?

Lottapianos · 18/12/2024 22:05

It's a thing, and it's the height of bloody rudeness. We knew a couple where he was in the grooms party, and was invited to the whole day. His WIFE was only invited to the ceremony and the evening do, not the meal. She was expected to disappear and entertain / feed herself in a strange town on a cold day in her wedding finery, then show up for the evening do. Like mugs they went along with it, but weren't happy. I would have told them to get knotted. Some people turn into total divas when planning weddings

DPotter · 18/12/2024 22:19

It's weird, it's rude. Especially if the real situation wasn't made clear on the invitation - could have been highly embarrassing.

I agree - if you can't afford to feed your guests adequately - don't invite them.

I'd have to say something - it's just plain rude

Original poster
Ginkypig · 18/12/2024 22:27

Brefugee · 18/12/2024 22:02

Can't they cancel the hotel? How far away is this wedding?

Show quote history

none of them want to upset their sibling who’s child’s wedding it is or their parent who’s getting on a bit and at least a couple of them feel they should go to travel with their parent (the grandparent) as otherwise grandparent couldn’t attend. The sibling who’s child is getting married lives as far from the wedding as them but on the other side of the country so they couldn’t travel all that way to pick up their parent then come half way back for the wedding to then do it all again before going home.

one of them said that it would turn into a thing if they cancelled now which I agree it might do. plus they genuinely want to see them get married.
They aren’t really ones for kicking up a fuss really. I’m more annoyed by it on their behalf than they are! They are more bemused.

so I think they are just going to go with it.

im not really part of it except as a friend to the family so it’s up to them.

I started this as I was interested what other thoughts or experiences were because I hadn’t come across it before.

OP posts:
Iloveacurry · 18/12/2024 22:28

They’ve just been invited to the evening reception basically!

Not worth 2 nights accommodation.

Original poster
Ginkypig · 18/12/2024 22:28

Lottapianos · 18/12/2024 22:05

It's a thing, and it's the height of bloody rudeness. We knew a couple where he was in the grooms party, and was invited to the whole day. His WIFE was only invited to the ceremony and the evening do, not the meal. She was expected to disappear and entertain / feed herself in a strange town on a cold day in her wedding finery, then show up for the evening do. Like mugs they went along with it, but weren't happy. I would have told them to get knotted. Some people turn into total divas when planning weddings

Edited

That’s terrible!

OP posts:
Original poster
Ginkypig · 18/12/2024 22:30

Iloveacurry · 18/12/2024 22:28

They’ve just been invited to the evening reception basically!

Not worth 2 nights accommodation.

Well technically they have been invited to the actual wedding and the evening reception but have not been invited to the middle.

OP posts:
LittleOwl153 · 18/12/2024 22:31

Can the omitted family talk to the venue / hotel they are staying at and arrange a separate meal for them all? Obviously it would cost them but saves the messing about... but no I'd not be impressed.

LittleLlama · 18/12/2024 22:36

I have been invited to the ceremony and evening do (but not the sit down meal). It was great.

The venue was a couple of hours away, but near a seaside. We went to the ceremony (around midday) and then left (did not have to hang around loads for photos - which was a bonus). As it was a lovely day we drove to the beach (about 30 minutes away) and had a picnic lunch with our children. In the afternoon we visited a local castle then went to a pub for tea (and smarted ourselves up a little). We finally went to the evening reception for a couple of hours before driving home. I think we (and our children) had a better day than those that attended the whole event.

Enterthedragonqueen · 18/12/2024 22:37

Very rude and couples nowadays are so obsessed about having Instagrammable weddings that they can't afford, they've lost their manners. If you can't afford to feed everyone or at least offer basic hospitality then cut back on the flashy venue etc. But leaving people out of the wedding meal & expecting them to give you a wedding gift is incredibly grabby and rude.

I would decline the invitation but if I really had to go I would not buy them a gift. And if asked I'd say that I hoped they understood that my budget was suddenly restricted because I had to buy my lunch at their wedding.

FlatShoesOnly · 18/12/2024 22:39

Gosh that’s so rude. Regardless of whether the guest is family, friend or work colleague, to be invited to the ceremony and the evening but not the meal in the middle is awful. And really poor form if the whole event is in one place. To not make it clear in the invitation is even worse - what happens when the second tier guests who didn’t realise come to sit down for their meal? And they have to mingle at the wedding, then know when to fuck off for a bit and then be allowed back in. Appalling way to treat your guests. Badly done.