I am so terribly awkward in social situations. Trying to break out of my sahm life and finding it so hard

[Untery]

Been a sahm for so many years and dc no longer need me so much. I have been feeling so lonely and trying to do volunteering to improve my cv and bring me some confidence. But I am not sure if it’s helping. Had a difficult afternoon where I felt like I just didn’t fit in at the volunteering and now a bit sad.

i have a really good education and an in demand degree but don’t think I can go back to that due to my long time away.

been listening to self help books on coping better in social settings does anyone have any tips for me?

15 years. Well I worked from home for a bit so if you count that, 10 years

I was an engineer

I feel like I have done so little. Walked dog, tidied and cleaned, met the odd friend for coffee. I have had a few volunteer things with the kids in tow but after covid I felt I couldn’t go back to those as they didn’t really want me cramping their style any more

You could check out the Career Returners website which seems to have a section for engineers.
I think going into a new setting is pretty hard for most people - don’t feel like it’s just you. It might not be the right opportunity for you or it may take a few more sessions to start to settle in.

Realistically you will have to start again at the bottom. Do you want to stay in engineering? Your experience is unlikely to be relevant now, so you may as well go into whatever you fancy.

Was the volunteering in an area you're interested in?

I think previously my job was quite serious and I could rely on being technically good at what I do without having to have good people skills. But this is all new to me now.

The volunteering is very interesting. And it requires someone who can follow procedures and write reports of sorts. Which I enjoy. I am not sure there is much else I could volunteer at that would be better.

Don’t be so sure you’ll have to start at the bottom. And DM me if you happen to be a structural engineer. Physics hasn’t moved on any.

If you don’t have good people skills, engineering is the perfect place really. It is as you say, reliant on good technical knowledge. I don’t know how easy it is to return. I’m in software so I can understand the social environments in very technical jobs. Our Christmas party involved board games and consoles so no awkward small talks.

I don’t find it easy in social situations so I sympathise. Maybe like others suggest see if there are returner programs? Realistically if you are to retrain, you are starting at the bottom no matter what you choose.

I have a very simple and VERY effective advice if you are worried about your people's skills. People absolutely love talking about themselves. All you need to do is to listen well. Active listening resources will teach you that skill in now time. And remember everyone gets better with practice

Its an oldie but goodie - how to win friends and influence people. Its very old fashioned in a lot of ways, but basically it breaks down strategies that popular people use to make other people comfortable around them. Having some ideas in your pocket - how to start a conversation, deal with certain responses, etc etc will help a lot.

I have been trying to do the “be a good listener and let them speak about themselves” trick but I think one lady there may be doing the exact same thing lol! Questions me about how I am doing and doesn’t offer up much chat in return. Just smiles pleasantly and listens. And I end up wittering and putting my foot in it. I much prefer if they speak to me so I can avoid saying something stupid

I suspect the people telling you that the industry will have changed SO much and you’ll have to start at the bottom are full of the usual anti-SAHM spite that Mumsnetters love to peddle.

You never know, it might not be as hard as you think! Assuming you even want to return to that sector.

OP, I think others are being too quick to dismiss your past experience and qualifications. Someone who has done a highly skilled role will retain an understanding of the basics even if they wouldn't be capable of walking straight back into a senior role. That understanding and experience could still be useful. I wonder whether you might get more constructive replies if you post on the Work talk board rather than in Chat, with a heading along the lines of "Graduate engineer looking to return to work after 15 years as SAHM".

A lot of it is living in your own head for 15 years.
Your identify for those years has been ‘mum’. You’re still mum, just not solely mum. You need a purpose and to rediscover/reinvent who you are.
Rather than throwing yourself into causes, take a while to think about your ‘ideal self’. What would a content, healthy Untery look/act like?
Do an Action for happiness course. Read Self compassion by K Neff. Go on a long weekend away by yourself. Just try and re/discover who you are now. My old self, before having DD, didn’t need Pilates 2 times a week. If I don’t do that these days, I can still get out of bed, but you can hear me and all of my bones doing it 😂.
You’ve been measuring your self worth against others’s needs/worth etc for years. It worked then, but it stopped working now.

And I’m a great believer in fake it till you make it :)
HTH

Thank you. I think I am aware that I want to have some things for my dc to be proud of me for

If you want to return to engineering have you thought about getting recent industry experience that way you can see how much it’s changed (or not) and identify areas you may need to brush up on.

Do you have a spouse/partner?

Hi there, I have been in your predicament of being ackward in social situations. As in regards to the nosey lady - you will meet this type everywhere. She is mostly likely nosey not because she wants to get to know you as a person. She is nosey for her own sake. Genuinely good listeners will have your wellbeing at heart. They will back off if they sense the conversation is making the other person uncomfortable. Good listening is listening with your heart as well as with your ears. Apparently, we only communicate a very small proportion of information with words. The rest is non-verbal communication- tone of voice, eye contact (or no contact), relaxed or tense posture etc. Active listener is looking for verbal and non-verbal communication. I am sure you can recollect a situation where you have been very upset, talked non-stop for an hour, someone listened intently, said very little and then maybe stroked your hand or gave your a hug. Do you remember how it made you feel? This is the magic of active listening- you can make another person heard, understood and not alone by doing very little. Very few people possess this. It could be learnt- police, midwives and even hairdressers are very good at active listening. Some people are born like this but they are a minority. The rest of in the professions mentioned above have to learn it otherwise we are no good in our jobs. As with any skill, one gets better with practice. Going back to the nosey lady- I would cut the conversation short. How was your weekend? - Very nice, thank you. How are the kids doing at school? - Very well, thank you. Stop engaging with her and she will get the message. She is in this game for herself, not for you. Give yourself permission not to entertain her curiosity. Focus on building relationships with others. Read up on active listening skills and non-verbal communication and wait for an opportunity to put them in practice. People really do appreciate good listeners because they are so rare. I hope it helps

Further to the earlier message... children love active listening and so do husbands