Being made to feel like I was just filling a social gap ?

[Bigbrownbear1000]

friend had a free night last week. She HAS to see someone, anyone, socially on the nights she is alone. I don't get this, but we are all different. We see each other a lot, so we are not casual friends. She asked if I was free to see her that night. I was, but I somehow just felt I was filling her social gap for that eve, like I could have been anyone, so long as she was with someone. So I told her I was busy. Of course she then asked what I was doing. I made an excuse of seeing my sister. She then asked what me and my sister were going to do.

I also didn't want to be appear to be like I am just sitting at home waiting for her to give me the green light to get together and saying yes to her when she can fit me in/needs company.

How old are you both?

@roseymoira both 54

Yes, this is a fair question. The whole thing sounds insanely petty.

'I'm free but am going to pretend I'm not because I don't want you to take me for granted, and am now going to invent imaginary activities that I'm doing instead because for some reason I feel unable to say 'No, I don't fancy going out tonight';.

OP, did you actually want to see your friend or not?

God almighty. I thought you were going to be in your late teens.

Let me ask the question again, OP. Did you actually want to go out and do whatever it was your friend was proposing?

I think you’re over thinking it.
if you wanted to meet up, then do - then surely it’s fulfilling a mutual need and you both get something out of it!

if you didn’t want to see her/go out/socialise then just say that next time, you don’t have to lie and make up you’re seeing your sister
. Just say you’re fancying a quiet night in alone.

I don't get the issue. People make plans to see their friends on the nights they're free - that's pretty normal, isn't it? They can hardly do it on the nights they're busy.

It delends, if she can’t be alone thats a her problem. If it suits you then go, if it doesn’t then don’t.

You are not friends
friends do not play these games
both of you should step back from this relationship as it’s not healthy in both sides
you don’t like or trust her

I have a friend who is like this, they absolutely cannot spend an evening alone! I find it very strange and irritating because she has no concept that other people may actually enjoy some alone time!

Then you are both old enough to stop this nonsense.

She says "can we meet"
You sat "sorry no"

And. That. Is. It.

Don't make up stupid lies. You are grown women.

OP, I kind of understand where you’re coming from but your mistake was lying. You could’ve just said “no I feel like a quiet night in myself so I’m not free to meet up with you. Let’s do something another time, I’ll be in touch soon”

And then when you do feel like meeting up with her, you take the initiative and message her.

I see this pattern in how some partnered women treat their single friends actually. I'm not sure if that's what's going on here. I know someone who was invited to visit her friend because the husband was away and she would be doing laundry!

This is why you should take the initiative sometimes and invite her out places.

Maybe she’s sitting there thinking @Bigbrownbear1000 never bothers to invite me out /arrange catch-ups!

@Gwenhwyfar my friend is not single she has a partner but he works away quite a lot

I was thinking that you were the single one because I've seen single friends used as 'stop-gaps' by the non-single.

@Redrubys I agree with you.

This is really odd. You are annoyed with her because she wants to see you when she's free? I can only see my friends when I'm free too and they can only see me when they are free. That goes without saying. Do you want her to make some sort of big sacrifice in order to see you so that you know it means a lot to her? I really don't understand why anyone would have an issue with this. If anything you should feel glad that she has a day off and she is prioritising seeing you because you are a good friend to her.

I was once invited to spend the night with a friend because her husband was on a work trip. She then contacted me to say his trip had been cancelled so she didn't need me to stay any more since she would no longer be on her own.

The fact that by doing this she left me spending the evening on my own didn't seem to occur to her.

It depends.

I used to have a partner who was quite controlling about me seeing friends.

He didn't exactly "forbid" it. Just made it difficult by punishing me with bad moods.

So if he was ever away I used to jump at the chance to arrange things with friends. Because it was the only time I could.

And thinking about it now, it may well have made those friends feel a bit used.

But it really wasn't like that.....

It's worth all of us remembering that we rarely know the full details of what goes on in someone else's personal life. So we really shouldn't be too quick to judge......

Well you spend every evening on your own and you cope!
These are the kind of women posting on MN threads about how they could never take the bus on their own at 7pm...

@RoachFish I don't expect her or anyone to make any big sacrifices to see me but at the same time I don't like being left to feel like she is at a loose end and needs someone (me) to fill it regardless of who that person is. It is really hard to explain without going into any wider context which would be totally outting.

It feels a little like when you date someone and you are always available to that person. We often tell our friends to not always make themselves too available for their date (or at least that is what happened in my world growing up). This feels like that. Except we are not dating !

I think she means she is used as company for someone on the evenings they're alone rather than someone the friend actually wants to spend time with, so a stop-gap.

I don't think we have to assume an abusive partner as the first option though.

Of course I cope, and I like my own company, but it was the thoughtlessness that got to me.