Being made to feel like I was just filling a social gap ?

[Bigbrownbear1000]

friend had a free night last week. She HAS to see someone, anyone, socially on the nights she is alone. I don't get this, but we are all different. We see each other a lot, so we are not casual friends. She asked if I was free to see her that night. I was, but I somehow just felt I was filling her social gap for that eve, like I could have been anyone, so long as she was with someone. So I told her I was busy. Of course she then asked what I was doing. I made an excuse of seeing my sister. She then asked what me and my sister were going to do.

Oh I know.

But there is nothing to suggest that, it's just a feeling that OP has come up with probably because she has more free time than her friend and feels like their time together is more dictated by the friend's availability than hers. I don't see how her friend can win really. All she has done is that she has asked if she wants to meet up at a time that she's available, how is that not just a normal way to conduct ones social life?

You sound petty and unpleasant. I would give her a heads up so she doesn't waste any more time on you.

To that I would say (both dating and friends) not to play games. What's the point? Communicate like adults. Tell her what is bothering you. You should be able to talk openly with friends.

With dating (so new relationships), I would just end it.

If you hasn’t said her age, I’d think we had the same friend. Invites me over at short notice because she has an evening alone, makes plans because her husband is away and then cancels. It’s not nice feeling like you’re only being invited to fill a gap.

In my case the friend also constantly changes and rearranges plans on the day. I say yes or no to seeing her depending on what suits me, but you’re right - it doesn’t feel good.

I have a friend that does not like to be alone. She has to meet up with someone almost every day. Sometimes I too can get a feeling that I'm just filling a "social gap" when she wants to hang on out with me on one of the days she is not meeting up with one of her closer friends, but on the other hand - she is a lot of fun and I always have a great time when I see her! So I don't mind.
She is just such a social person, but she is also a lovely person.

The issue is not that she’s ‘free’ though, is it?

@roach it is exactly how @Gwenhwyfar has described it

Yes I do have more free time. My friend needs company on x evening and i know for a fact she would be asking other people if they are free, after I have said no. It is not a case of her thinking she has not seen me lately and really wants to have a nice eve together. Rather, she has a free night and wants company regardless who that is.

" I don't see how her friend can win really. "

She could put an evening with OP in her calendar and ensure she stays available on that date rather than waiting for an evening when the partner is away...

I have a friend like the one the OP is describing who also has to be doing stuff all the time and dreads being alone. I now find I am 'busy' more often so as to limit the number of times I am expected to be available. We are both in our 70s and no, it is not petty.

You could say i fancy a bath and a quiet night in tonight but how about x time next week we could go to x? And you take control back by suggesting a time and place that suits you, perhaps a place you were going to anyway and wouldn't mind her tagging along. She's not scared to ask for company when it suits her, you do the same!

To me that sounds weird and rude. Of you.
She likes socialising, wanted to see you, asked what you were doing? What could possibly be offensive about that.
Would you rather only socialise with people who only go out once a year to a Michelin starred restaurant? I just don't get what you're complaining about.

Next time just say you are not feeling up to having company and socialising, or are “under the weather” if you need to justify why you don’t want to meet up. I do get how it feels like you are serving a function for her rather than her really wanting to spend time with you as you, it could be anyone as long as she has someone. Does she tend to dominate the conversation when you see her as well? I’m wondering if she is one of those people who seems to think the world revolves around her.

I was usually available for someone who felt adrift at weekends whose friends had partners/husbands and children so weren't readily available for her.

I live on my own, happily single [grown family] and it was company for me too. I thought we had fun times and enjoyed her company.

She found a new group of friends and I was toast. Just saying. I know it was my own fault. I've a problem with trust now.

Reading this thread is a reminder how some people will use others.

I had a childhood friend who just seen me as a 24/7 therapist and money lender. Once I tried to withdrew from these duties and tried to just have a normal friendship she disappeared.

There was a time she invited me to winter wonderland with her kids as her partner/kids father “Rob” couldn’t be bothered. I came along even though it was cold, busy and not really my thing I had a good time and helped with the kids.

The next year I asked if she wanted to go again and she patronisingly said “ oh no we’ll be going as a family, it’ll be me Rob and the kids.” it’s fine she didn’t want me to come again. I was only offering to help her out, but the way she responded it was as if she forgot about the previous year when her precious Rob couldn’t be bothered and I’d stepped in. I can’t remember the exact words or tone she used but she almost made me feel a bit silly for suggesting it!

Anyway bottom line, our time is precious. If we feel anyone doesn’t value it or us - we shouldn’t hesitate to decline invitations or pull back.

I think this thread is less about 'how some people will use others' than about how people with poor boundaries and low self-esteem need to practice saying no.

It is absolutely within your power to not allow yourself to be treated as a 24/7 therapist and moneylender, and not to attend an event you don't want to go to, regardless of whether someone asks you to or not. You're not a service human, so don't act like one. Ask yourself what was in it for you that you allowed yourself to be treated in a sub-optimal way.

If you actually took in what I’ve said, that was an past situation. I have already said no to her, and we’re no longer friends as a result of me drawing healthy boundaries. So I don’t need telling I can say no as if I’ve not realised that for myself.

I said yes on many occasions as I was trying to be a good friend, and there are people in my life who have kindly helped me out before as well. It’s nice to give and take. To help and be helped.

When I eventually realised this particular friendship was a non-reciprocal relationship, I responded accordingly and changed my ways. She then showed her true intentions when she faded away.

Maybe you’ve never made an error in judgment and had a relationship or friendship turn out to be something it wasn’t but for some of us - we learn on the job.

And again, yes of course people should learn to speak up and say no - that is literally what I’ve said in multiple posts on this thread.

Yes people can have poor boundaries for a multitude of reasons including childhood trauma (which they can grow and learn from)

And equally people can also exploit poor boundaries /kindness/weaknesses and use others.

Two things can be true.

You are being very presumptuous here. The poster didn't say she couldn't be on her own at all. For all you know this was her only free night where she could go and socialise so was disgruntled about being let down at very short notice. And rightly so. The "friend" had basically said that she was now no longer needed as her husband was there after all which is actually very rude and insulting

I was talking about OP's friend, not OP herself. That should be obvious.

No, don't lie.
Tell the truth that you don't want to be a stop gap and how about putting a date in the diary? Then you'll see whether she'll bother when she's not facing an evening alone.

I don't see the need to lie. You could have just said, "No thanks, I need a night to myself."

What a bitch.

Or 'it's too short notice'.

😆

I was sad initially when the penny began to drop about the true nature of our friendship, but so glad I made the realisation eventually and that she’s no longer in my life. Definitely for the best!