Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Getting 20 year old daughter to move out

32 replies

pinkkoala · 16/12/2024 11:56

Good morning, really need some advice, my life is being made miserable by my 20 year old daughter, she is affecting my mental health, causing problems in my relationship.
so I live in private rented, my name only on tenancy, I left her dad 7 years ago due to his ways. She hasn’t worked in nearly a year, so no contribution at all to any bills, rent, food etc, her and her boyfriend think they can sit here the minute I go to work, they turn up, then leave 5 mins before I finish my shift, use my facilities, eat whatever is in the house, she won’t even lift a finger to wash her own stuff up or do her washing. She doesn’t want to work, claims benefits but then doesn’t go to job interviews.
she is constantly on my case and asking what I do and follows me round the house to keep poking at me. She caused me and my partner to separate in feb this year while she gets on with her 2 year relationship she is in.
what can I do to get her out and stay out as she is affecting my mental health, I have verbally asked her to leave and also given her written notice, both she laughs in my face, can I ask my landlord to change the locks, at my cost, I really don’t know what I can legally do

OP posts:
Discombobble · 16/12/2024 11:58

Change the locks then block her - force her to find her own solutions. Can she live with her partner?

Purplecatshopaholic · 16/12/2024 12:02

I’m sorry it has come to this, but yes it’s your sole tenancy and she’s an adult. You have given her notice, so now she leaves. I would ask the landlord to change the locks if it was me. Do it today op.

pinkkoala · 16/12/2024 12:03

No she can’t go to her boyfriends as he also lives with parents and they won’t have her full time even though she sleeps there every night but just uses my house for facilities, food and dossing about

OP posts:
reesiespieces · 16/12/2024 12:05

She's not engaging with you at all and causing you distress. As the relationship has already broken down it's time to change the locks. It's not like you haven't warned her.

ChristmasPudd1990 · 16/12/2024 12:07

Send her to her dad's.

arethereanyleftatall · 16/12/2024 12:09

You have clearly tried every avenue to peacefully get her to leave.

She has now left you with no choice but to change the locks.

And if she breaks in as a result, you can call the police.

At the end of the day she is an adult, you no longer have to look after her.

Richiewoo · 16/12/2024 12:16

Change the locks and pack a bag for her.

pinkkoala · 16/12/2024 12:20

Her dad won’t let her go there as in his words, it’s punishment for me because I left him years ago, even though he is happily remarried years ago.

OP posts:
pinkkoala · 16/12/2024 12:21

Could my landlord say no to me changing the locks if I explain the situation.
she is also horrible to my mum, my sister which is her nana and auntie.

OP posts:
ARichtGoodDram · 16/12/2024 12:24

pinkkoala · 16/12/2024 12:21

Could my landlord say no to me changing the locks if I explain the situation.
she is also horrible to my mum, my sister which is her nana and auntie.

No.

Just change the locks and then, if you want to, give the landlord a key for the new lock explaining you had to change them.

The other option is to chance the locks then replace them before you leave.

Tenants are entitled to change the locks (many landlords object but they are legally allowed).

ARichtGoodDram · 16/12/2024 12:25

It is worth explaining to your landlord in case she calls them looking for them to get her in by claiming lost keys.

laveritable · 16/12/2024 12:26

Change the locks! Get your life back! She is and adult: she would be just fine!

Allthehorsesintheworld · 16/12/2024 12:32

Speak to your LL. See what they say and is it’s no offer to pay for locks to be changed. Most LLs change the locks between tenancies so they may just have a spare they can fit.
I was a LL for years and got asked to do all sorts, changing locks is very minor.

slightlydistrac · 16/12/2024 12:40

Tell your landlord that an aggressive relative is making your life a misery, and they won't give you your key back, so could they please change the locks asap or authorise you to get the work done yourself.

gamerchick · 16/12/2024 12:45

Just change the locks. Either keep the old lock to replace or give your landlord a key.

Unfortunately it's the only way you're going to get her to leave. Be ready for pushback though.

Or you can wait for a bleeding heart to come along on this thread who can take her in.

pinkkoala · 16/12/2024 16:02

i am lucky in that my landlord lives next door so hopefully he will let me change the locks.

OP posts:
pinkkoala · 18/12/2024 01:37

Good evening I spoke to my landlord today and explained the situation, he is ok with the lock change but before we do that can I ask the letting agents to issue her a letter to give her a months notice, as it is only my name on the tenancy, would they be able to do that
it ramped up tonight in her coming round and verbally having a personal attack at me, in front of someone I had there, he said it’s bullying and intimidation, I am now not feeling safe or comfortable.
can I ask my landlord/agent to issue a letter to her

OP posts:
Reginald123 · 18/12/2024 03:51

I would not get the letting agent involved as the tenancy is in your name and the landlord has already given you permission to change the locks.

Your daughter is in the house with your permission - you have withdrawn permission and you now need to act if you can't get her to change her ways.

The more you complicate things with the letting agent the more you risk the landlord or agent serving notice on you to evict you if your tenancy is a rolling tenancy.

I would keep things as simple as possible. Do you have a friend who could stay on the day you change the locks? If you can afford it, a door camera would be a good idea in case she causes any damage.

DaftyLass · 18/12/2024 04:23

No letter, as she isn't in the tenancy
As soon as she leaves, change the lock
She has clearly run you in circles, you need to take your life back

Mummyoflittledragon · 18/12/2024 04:29

Technically because she doesn’t pay rent and isn’t on the tenancy, the letting agent doesn’t need to get involved with this. She is classed as an excluded occupier. In fact they may not want to serve her notice as this could be seen as an indicator that she has rights to live in the property.

You have already served her notice in writing. Has the end date been and gone? She is ramping up her behaviour by the sound of it and if you don’t feel safe, you can call the police.

I would talk to the agent and tell them what you have done thus far. Imo you could just change the locks and tell your landlord you no longer feel safe.

Are you concerned she may try to damage the property?

MuchuseasaChocolateTeapot · 18/12/2024 04:41

These responses all seem pretty harsh and relationship ending. Could you maybe move to a one bedroom flat/house? Then you can legitimately give her a deadline and hopefully pay less rent?

Wallywobbles · 18/12/2024 04:47

MuchuseasaChocolateTeapot · 18/12/2024 04:41

These responses all seem pretty harsh and relationship ending. Could you maybe move to a one bedroom flat/house? Then you can legitimately give her a deadline and hopefully pay less rent?

This doesn't actually solve anything though as she's not sleeping there so the size of the OPs home is irrelevant.

Mercurysinretrograde · 18/12/2024 04:49

MuchuseasaChocolateTeapot · 18/12/2024 04:41

These responses all seem pretty harsh and relationship ending. Could you maybe move to a one bedroom flat/house? Then you can legitimately give her a deadline and hopefully pay less rent?

Agree with this. Unless you have a really good rental deal, I’d suggest moving to a one bedroom flat. No space for emergency sleepovers which turn into long stays in the future…

MuchuseasaChocolateTeapot · 18/12/2024 04:57

Wallywobbles · 18/12/2024 04:47

This doesn't actually solve anything though as she's not sleeping there so the size of the OPs home is irrelevant.

OP doesn’t have to issue a key to her new place?

Franjipanl8r · 18/12/2024 04:57

she won’t even lift a finger to wash her own stuff up or do her washing.

So who’s doing it then? You? Stop doing it.