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My dad passed away in the morning

39 replies

AnxietyLevelMax · 15/12/2024 21:26

3 yrs of terminal cancer. Last 6 months inhumane suffering. I was a daddy’s girl. and now i have no dad. Dont know how to explain my 4 yr old who adored him. And another one due in 2.5months wont even meet him. I am so so heartbroken

OP posts:
MrsCarson · 15/12/2024 21:30

I'm so sorry. Even when you know it's going it's a big shock. A big un-mumsnetish Hug to you.

Patienceinshortsupply · 15/12/2024 21:32

I lost my dad to cancer just under 2 years ago and I'm still putting myself back together. Seeing what he went through in his last week will haunt me forever.

Go easy on yourself, it's a long hard journey ahead and I'm so very sorry for your loss Flowers

AnxietyLevelMax · 15/12/2024 21:35

Thank you both

OP posts:
Ginkypig · 15/12/2024 21:35

I’m really sorry. I lost my dad at 21 and even all these years later I miss him.

for now try to focus on the practical aspects as they will help to stop you drowning in the grief, as far as telling the children, simple child friendly language. Don’t use too much euphemism as they won’t understand and it will be upsetting to you when they ask questions and you have to explain again.

just take each hour and day as it comes. Try even if you don’t feel like it to eat and sleep because you need those to keep you going. You will feel however you feel and that is ok.

im sending you as much sympathy and energy I can @AnxietyLevelMax

Mischance · 15/12/2024 21:40

I am so sorry to hear this - so very hard.

When my DH died, my 4 year old GS was just the best person to have around. He was sad but real - he bobbed into my house shortly afterwards and I could hear him coming down the hallway shouting "I am so sorry Grandpa has died Grandma" and flung his arms round me, and proceeded to talk about DH - I cannot tell you how that helped me. Everyone else was trying so hard to say the right things, but he just came right out with how he felt; everyone else was mentioning him obliquely but wee GS just wanted to talk about him. He was openly sad, but he invited chat about the things we would remember - he would forget about it all and play happily, then suddenly want to remember something else. He talks about him lots and his emotions are very uncomplicated and quite refreshing.

I told him that Grandpa was gone now, but he would live on forever in our memories and in all the things he did with us - he accepted that without any problem.

It sounds as though your father's end of life was slow - and it was so for my DH. In a way I think that helped my GC - they had watched him gradually change from active Grandpa to someone confined to bed and needing help - they would take him drinks etc. and delighted in letting me know his "wee bag" was full! So in a way they were part of the gradual leave-taking.

Your son will be OK - and he will cope with you being sad - he cannot be sheltered from that, but needs to learn that it is a part of this life.

Take care, and take courage. Enjoy your memories together.

TiredCatLady · 15/12/2024 21:41

I’m so sorry OP. No great words of advice but sending love and the biggest hug I possibly can.

The price of love is grief… when grief is gone and paid in full… love remains.

Businessflake · 15/12/2024 21:42

Im so sorry OP. I lost my Dad this summer and it still doesn’t feel real. We will always be our Daddy’s girls.

Jifmicroliquid · 15/12/2024 21:42

I’m so sorry OP. Please take care of yourself xx

Mum2jenny · 15/12/2024 21:43

It’s so very hard but please be kind to yourself. Losing a parent is never easy 💐

Lillixyng · 15/12/2024 21:44

My dad died when my eldest were 2 and 6 months, I worshipped my dad and he would have been such a wonderful grandfather. Like you the thought that they would never know him broke my heart.

I talked about him constantly, there was very little they did not know about him. I have 8 grandchildren now and they are all being raised just as he would have done. I see my Dad in all of my children. A wonderful gift for story telling and jokes. Not just willing to play with but to really enjoy it.

There is nothing to be said to give you comfort but I hope like me you will see him living on through them as I have

FloordrobeIsGoingToGetME · 15/12/2024 21:45

I'm very very sorry to hear this, OP, sounds like you loved him very much.

NursieBirder · 15/12/2024 21:45

You are still your daddy’s girl. No matter what, no matter when, love goes on.

Dontlletmedownbruce · 15/12/2024 21:49

So so sorry OP. It will be tough telling your son, he may cry and wail but he might act like he doesn't give a shit. Kids that age can't always process loss so don't read too much into it either way. I hope you get plenty support and rest. God bless your Dad

AnxietyLevelMax · 15/12/2024 21:50

Thank you all. Wont reply to each one of you separately but I read all of your messages and really appreciate them.
do you think 4yr old will remember his grandad? He is turning 4 just after Christmas so technically he is still 3.

OP posts:
Onelifeonly · 15/12/2024 21:55

Make him a photo book. Talk to him about things that he did with your dad. You can keep the memory alive for him as otherwise it will fade as he gets older.

Stretchanoctave · 15/12/2024 21:57

Look after yourself. My dad died just before one of my children was born. I ended up with severe PND. Allow yourself to grieve. I hope you have plenty of support. X

Whathappensnowplease · 15/12/2024 22:02

I'm so sorry OP.
It's so sad for you and your wee one.

Terfandsurf · 15/12/2024 22:02

I am so very sorry for your loss. You will always be your dad’s girl xx

MounjaroOnMyMind · 15/12/2024 22:03

That's so sad. I'm really sorry Flowers

DontBiteTheCat · 15/12/2024 22:06

I am so very sorry for your loss.

I lost a close family member this week to cancer too, and like you said the end was almost inhumane. A lot of well-meaning people are saying “at least they’re not suffering anymore” and that’s it done and dusted. Of course we’re pleased that their suffering has ended, but we are still devastated for all the things we have lost, the person they were before, and all the time we should have had.

It’s a bastard of a disease, and I have no words of wisdom but I’m sending you love.

SootysCaravan · 15/12/2024 22:07

So sorry for your loss OP.
As a Daddy’s girl I know you will manage to keep his memory alive for many years to come. Memories aren’t always visual, but a sense of that person that never leaves you.
Wishing you well in the following chapters

mumda · 15/12/2024 22:08

Deepest sympathy.

Rosieposy89 · 15/12/2024 22:15

I'm so sorry. Cancer is a bastard. I lost my sister in May to cancer aged 32 and my lovely mum is going through chemo for cancer now. It is so traumatic watching people you love suffer.

I have a 3yo dd and I explained to her my sister lives in the stars now - she understood she was poorly. Dd talks about her like she is still here, which I love as its like she's not died.

Your children will get you through. I of course feel devastated at the loss of my sister so young, and I'm scared of losing my Mum, but I am strong for my dd, we only have one childhood with her, so I can't make it a miserable one. Grief teaches you that life is short I guess.

All this to say, sending lots of love. Be gentle with yourself and it is one day at a time

Lillixyng · 15/12/2024 22:16

AnxietyLevelMax · 15/12/2024 21:50

Thank you all. Wont reply to each one of you separately but I read all of your messages and really appreciate them.
do you think 4yr old will remember his grandad? He is turning 4 just after Christmas so technically he is still 3.

He won’t remember his physical presence but you can keep your dads spirit alive for him.

OneCanWonder · 15/12/2024 22:17

I'm so sorry for you loss.

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