My kids don't listen to me

[Crunchymum]

Aged 12, 10 and 7 (although the 7yo has SEN and to be honest is the better of the 3 kids when it comes to listening! For this thread I'm talking about my older 2)

I repeat and repeat myself, I rephrase myself, I explain, I cajole, I bargain. I even shout (more often than I'd like at the moment!)

They. Don't. Fucking. Listen.

I have to constantly ask, repeat, remind them both about every little thing. Homework, chores, school bags but the main sticking point is their behaviour together. They are either arguing or pissing about, there is no real in-between.

We end up in conflict several times a day as I've asked them to do / not do something (usually the same things - don't argue, do play nicely, don't screech, do try and agree on something you can both do) and as usual they don't listen.

They are fine at school and with others (they aren't as bad for DP but the problem is there). They are fine out of the house. But it's winter and we're home together a fair bit.

They have limited screen time, they both do hobbies and have friends.

How can I get them to start listening to me? If they started listening and doing 50% of what they are asked / told without the drama then my life would be so much easier.

When you say it's winter and we're home together "a fair bit", how much is that, exactly? What I'm saying is, is it possible they're bored and unstimulated?

Tell them next time they don't listen they will lose screens for a month. Then do it. Ignore all complaints. If they don't improve their listening while they have the ban, then tell them the screens are gone until they earn them back and tell them exactly what behaviour they need to do to get them back.

This weekend they've been out most of the time (still managed plenty of incidents of not listening) but on average this time of year we're probably home for an afternoon & evening each weekend. I do try to make sure that we get out as much as possible and kids often do things separately (see friends / different hobbies)

What are the consequences for not listening?

What is the consequences for them having to be repeatedly asked/told the same thing?

They only have screens at the weekend (I have allowed an "agreed upon film" to creep back in on some week nights recently though)

Must admit I've been tempted to stamp on the iPad quite a few times in the past but we've got a better balance now.

Consequences depend.

Arguing gets them both sent off to (non fun) rooms until they are able to better manage their behaviour. They always come back full of promises but we always end up back in the same place.

Pissing about together again I tend to separate as well. Send them off to read (one loves to read so this isn't much of a consequence) or find some chores

Not doing chores when asked I must admit I tend to nag until they get the chores done. Same with homework!!
I don't punish, I just badger them into it which isn't good, I know.

This is why I am suggesting no screens for an extended period. Seriously, u have done it and it works. It's also simple.

I have done it - sorry no edit function on app

I've just mentioned it to the 10yo and their reaction tells me you may be on to something 😁

I mean I'm all for no screen time at all for a 2 year old - but we're talking 10 and 12 here. Stopping all screen time is just going to be shooting yourself in the foot - they'll be more bored and there'll be more arguing and screeching.

At this age I'd let them have a bit more screen time tbh, or be spending more time entertaining them when they're bored - family board games or card games for instance.

Make extra screen time the prize if you like - do chores to earn extra.

We use a combined carrot/stick approach with DS 11.

He's very scattered, forgetful and not hugely responsible.

We made a weekly timetable with EVERYTHING on it (excruciating detail)
Wake up. Make bed. Glasses on. Breakfast. Etc.

Then added time sensitive milestones (Dressed, shoes on, bag ready to leave the house 08:35am)

We did this for every single day, including activities, homework days, music practice... EVERYTHING.

It's printed in the kitchen and in his room.

Then we decided a stupidly complicated game based point system for things, because he loves it.

Miss something on the list, he loses 15ms of playtime/screen time/etc. after school.

If he misses a time sensitive activity (eg. Not ready to leave the house for school) he loses a whole 30ms.

On the flipside, for every streak day he gets "gold coins" he can trade at the end of the week for a treat from a pre-approved list

If he wants to save for a special treat, he can do extra chores (hoover my car for example), but no pressure.

We are now in year 2 of running this system and it changed our lives. He knows his schedule by heart, does it automatically and I don't have to nag.

I have just done it with my 10 and 13yo and I am telling you it works, but it only works if they know you mean business.

Why would you do more with them to improve their listening? Reward them for poor behaviour? Seriously - this is not the way.

😂

When my son was at primary we sat at the table and did the homework together say on Weds after dinner if it was due in Friday. Secondary different but still nearby eg kitchen table and me doing something but near enough to help, other child could read whether they like it or not.No other options until it was done. I don’t do nagging as I hate to be nagged.
Chores same all doing same thing or in same area.
I admit mine did not get on but there were sanctions if their was name calling or winding each other up, no screens, no snacks, no hobbies, no pocket money.

So, what do they do during the week after school if they have no screens at all? They do sound slightly bored, or how mine get when they are bored.

I have two dds and they share a room. But if they were at the point they were constantly arguing/fighting one would be sent upstairs and the other kept downstairs. The following night it would be reversed.

We have restrictions on screens but in the week once they have sorted school bags/got changed and done some homework then generally they get some screen time. Some nights they may have to put washing away or another chore before they get screens, this usually depends how much homework they have (11&13 so both high school). They never just walk in and go straight to screens.

Both have separate sorts at the weekend so are kept busy. This afternoon after sports they put away kit and bags, we ate, dd2 had some screen time while dd1 had a shower. Dd2 wanted to bake so she baked for most of the afternoon (and washed up badly!) Dd1 watched a film - dd2 hates watching films. I don't expect them to do things with each other anymore, they do choose to at times but they don't want to do the same things.

We do remove screens for certain bad behaviour though and not listening would result in this. It's short tem here though so until after dinner, or the rest of the evening or a couple of days max.

Average school day, 12yo is home from 4pm and does homework / reads / lego / pops to friends (where he may indeed have some screentime, I obviously can't control that) or has a friend over until dinner.

10yo and 7yo are either in after school club or with inlaws (so arrive home for dinner or are dropped home after eating dinner with inlaws).

Some evenings they have hobbies (different child / different hobby 3 nights a week) but usually its bath / homework / reading / drawing / playing. Maybe we start a film, younger child is in bed for 8pm and at 9pm the older 2 are in bed but allowed to read.

They aren't really in the house that much during the week but when they are they don't seem to be able to do any activity without it causing arguments (and then I tell them to stop arguing which is when they don't listen and it all ends up stressful). 12yo likes to have the last word, 10yo likes to wind 12yo up. So there I'd definitely a personality clash. Although they do also really get along but when they are in a "get along" phase it often ends up in silliness (which I have to tell them to stop, and they don't listen)

I divide and conquer. One is often sent upstairs to have quite time / read and the other stays with me. Then we reconvene and it happens all over again.

I've tried zoning the house. So 12yo isn't allowed where 10yo is but they just see this as a challenge.

(DP is away most of the week so it is mainly down to me!)

Their activities after school sound perfectly fine - giving them more screen time would not solve this problem imo.

If it was me, I would sit them down and explain to them how their behaviour is negatively affecting the household. Give them some clear rules going forwards - simple to follow - possibly draconian but imo what is needed: eg. If mum says stop, you stop no matter what. If you can't say something nice don't say anything. This sort of thing - tailored to whatever specifically their arguing/silliness entails.
Explain what the consequences will be if they don't follow the rules. Then follow through with the consequences no matter what.
If you link their behaviour together - so that they have to work together to get the consequences eg. They both lose if one messes up - it will get them working together which naturally will lessen arguing.

I explain, I cajole, I bargain

This is where you're going wrong. You're showing them that what you say is negotiable. Stop all of that and you'll see a difference.

If my DD8 doesn't listen the tablet gets locked for whatever period I state, pocket money also gets withdrawn. I do have a reward chart system with her so she gets stickers for doing g small chores, tidying toys etc - after 2 weeks if she gets enough stickers she can choose a treat ( day trip, robux etc)

With reference to school bags, homework and chores, stop reminding them. They're the ones who will get into trouble if they haven't got what they need at school or done they're homework and they'll learn through school consequences. I don't know what the chores are, but say put your washing in the wash basket - if they don't, make sure you don't pick up and wash. If it's not taking their plates through to kitchen, again leave - they won't be happy when you tell them if they want tea the next day they'll have to wash their plates as well!

Agree with above poster, let them deal with the consequences of not doing what they're told.

Thanks for all the input, I appreciate it.

I've definitely taken a step back with the older child (their first term at secondary school) and so far we've forgotten homework a few times, musical instrument one and PE kit once. They also got a detention for failing to bring something in (3 weeks in a row). I now just remind him to check his timetable every morning and pack what he needs. He also packs his own lunch.

Main chores are usually once a week and 12yo hoovers the stairs (we have a lot!) and 10yo changes the bed sheets (I help with the duvet covers). 10yo also feeds the cats (x1 per day) and 12yo takes rubbish and recycling out.

They are pretty good about things like plates in the sink / washing in basket. Although the 10yo cannot seem to find the bin. Each and every wrapper / packet is left out and I have to tell her several times.

It's just like some things don't sink in at all?

Last night we had yet another instance of pissing about. They watched Peter Rabbit, went up to read at 9pm and at 9.45pm were still messing about (despite being asked several times to settle and read - DP and I were trying to watch something ourselves). So today they weren't allowed their advent calendars. If they behave today / this evening they can have both days tomorrow.

Not sure if this is a good idea and obviously I only have a few days left of calendar leverage.