I have never really enjoyed Christmas with DH and his family…

[BayleysOnCornflakes]

When we got together, my DD was 7 and he had established family traditions. We moved into his house and I didn’t feel like I had a right to challenge anything, I was a bit of a doormat after my first husband was done with me.

DH (DP at the time) went out FIL to the pub on Xmas eve and would come back about 11, rather merry. He would get up early on Xmas day and take MIL to church. Then we would have breakfast, open a few presents and PIL rock up at 11, we host and they would leave at 11. At noon, BIL will turn up with family. Every year, without fail, until FIL passed away 3 years ago. Now he does not go to the pub, and dynamic is different as DD comes home on Xmas eve.

Seems like a perfectly good arrangement. But I have always felt abandoned on Xmas Eve. I have occasionally resented now having a lie in due to early church going. I have felt annoyed to never have been asked if I wanted to do something different and always assumed to host, us cooking same thing as PIL were set in their ways. I guess I always felt like an add-on to DH family at Christmas rather than making our own traditions.

DH family were most kind to us, and 20 years later none of them know how bitter and resent I still feel about having to entertain hem at Christmas. At first I didn’t want to upset anyone and it’s too late now, I would not want them to know that I sometimes had to make a lot of effort to be cheerful and welcoming. I just feel like I have never had a Christmas “I” wanted. No point or question, just wanted to get this off my chest.

Op it's never to late to start even with some small changes of course it's not too late.

It's inconsiderate of no one to actually ask you if your OK with this and what you want

What would you have liked to do instead? Did/do you have parents and siblings of your own?

Speak up for yourself. Too late to make big changes for this year but could plan something different for next year.

Why wait to be asked?

Instigate your new ideas

Why was it their tradition that you hosted? Did your DP host before you got together?

I imagine you are really not the only wonan here who has done Christmas a particular way to suit her in-laws, and was p1ssed off at the time and looks back now and thinks, "why did I go along with that for so long?!"

I had 9 years of hard-work, not-my-choice Christmases. Then I divorced, and did Christmases the way I wanted. The kids are now grown, we get along really well, and I go along with what, and how, they do things.

It is never too late to change things up.

Thanks all. I have no siblings and my parents are abroad, do not celebrate. DP hosted with previous partner and the unspoken agreement carried on. I would have liked to have taken it in turns to host with PIL and BIL. As now MIL is on her own, she is too delicate to change anything and BIL will not offer, so we are stuck with her, putting it bluntly. But yes, I am resenting times past, but should plan for the future.

Stop being a doormat and suggest someone else host next year, does your husband even chip in with the hosting and cooking?

You need to use your words. You can't blame everyone because you didn't voice your opinion.

How about a stepping stone?

It just 24 hours, how about you say, 28th we are booking a restaurant or something as I have been cooking and hosting again all Christmas.

Basically get some pampering in but you might have to do it not on Christmas day?

Or suggest you all clatter to church next year and on to BIL?

Just talk to H after Christmas about next year.

If BIL won’t offer, he can be asked

”hey, Bob, we have done the last hundred Christmases, it’s your turn”

This

You could have said, ‘It would be nice to go out this year’ or ‘I’m sure it’s someone else’s turn to cook’ or whatever. Say that in advance so everyone knows. I really don’t think you had to host the in-laws for years.

I remember when our family Christmases got too big and busy and when I suggested we meet up on Christmas morning to exchange presents then all go home to do our own dinner I thought I would offend everyone. As it happened everyone thought it was a good idea and we have done our own thing ever since!

It's too late to stew on it now - no point. The only thing that you've can do is tell BIL it's his turn next year.

I've spoken up this year. No one minds. They realise they have not thought of me.

I dont do xmas at all the best thing i ever gave up doing.

BIL will not host, and it will upset elderly MIL if she feels like a burden to us if I say something. I have to shut up and put up for her sake now. I wish I was more confident to say something 15 years ago. But thank you for letting me have a moan without judgement.

As she’s elderly now, she won’t be around forever bless her. If she’s able, she might enjoy doing a few chores for you, it will make her feel useful. Have a good Christmas won’t you?

It is certainly not too late but in order for things to change you HAVE to speak up and tell your husband. He can’t read your mind and may well she. Thought you were happy with the arrangement. Tell him that you will be having a break from hosting next year and want to do something different but tell him TODAY

@SandieWooz Thank you, will do. To MIL credit - she is still working at least 30 hours per week cleaning, made of tough stuff this lady! Does not need the money by any means but cannot comprehend not earning. So, she does get to put her feet up at ours.

I always think it’s one of the tragedies of life generally that, for many of us, by the time we gain enough confidence to speak up, it’s too late to fully profit from that ability!

And yes it’s too late to change the past op, and possibly too late this year, but you could just have a very quiet word with your dh tomorrow morning and say something like, you know your family have been very kind to us, but just one year I would love it if I could arrange Christmas in my own way. And see what he says?

Good luck!

My mum hosted the same Christmas for more than 40 years to please us, her children, and the wider family. This year, aged 82, she’s gone to the Bahamas for Christmas! It’s never too late to do something different!!

We are having Xmas lunch out this year. We had also planned New Year away somewhere but decided not to as we are moving house shortly. But our reason is that our kids lives are to focused on being at home these days. None live near enough really to just pop to us for an hour. 2 hubbys work on Xmas day (farming and hospitality. So off we go for 4 course lunch and Im looking forward to it. At 70 we're bucking the trend!

Even if you feel you should host MIL, you don’t have to cook the same things. You don’t have to go to church, your DH can do it.