Dh in trouble - please advise

[panickingwife]

Hi all. Dh is on the verge of a complete mental breakdown. What happens if he gets signed off work? He's in a probation period, so I'm guessing they can just terminate employment. I'm looking for work but it's certain we will need UC. Any idea how bring signed off affects this. Or any advice at all really. We are both massively stressed, not sleeping

Speaking as someone who had a complete mental breakdown due in large part to work stress, he needs to muster whatever he has left in him that’s holding everything together to sit down and write his line manager an email, copy in HR, and explain that he is unwell and he will be taking this week off. This will remove the immediate pressure so he doesn’t have to think of how he is going to manage to get in to work each day.

Then he or you (if he can’t), needs to contact the GP again and explain his current symptoms and ask both for more support (referral to crisis team or another appointment to review his current treatment) and ask him to be signed off for as long as they will do it. My GP pretty much just asked me how long I thought I needed. I think she did 3 months to start.

I also have a ‘big career’ in a very niche field (that I have a PhD in). It was very hard to contemplate leaving. It would be very difficult to get another job. As it turned out, it was a blessing. My sick leave for mental health reasons turned into a cancer diagnosis and several operations and now a year of treatment. I am so grateful I had that time to heal a bit before all this happened. I’ve been off sick for 6 months and my contract ends this month. I never went back and it’s been very freeing to be able to let it go. I’m looking to retrain actually in something that I’m really interested in. My skillset won’t be lost, just repurposed. It was horrendous at the time, and I felt like such a failure. But it was absolutely the best decision and I’m very grateful.

He needs a break. I think you need to do whatever you can to push him into acceptance of that. There will always be other jobs and other paths forward. But he has to be okay first.

I’ve been in this situation and the only thing to do was leave, it was a new job/company in a role i’d been doing all my life and was very capable, just the person training me took a dislike to me and made my life hell. My suggestion would be for him to call in sick, and look for another job while he is off, anything that would pay the bills in the meantime ( he can apply in the field while he is working elsewhere if thats his chosen field that he wants to stay in) if he thinks he’s going to get fired anyway and they do if he goes off sick then you’re in no worse a situation than the inevitable firing if you get me, thats worse case scenario, they may actually pay sick pay and wait for him to come back. Do they know the situation, does he have reviews or a mid probation check and has been advised he needs to improve or anything?. His health is more important. I’m presuming he’s worked in this field before successfully so no reason he can’t again. I wish you all the luck, its a horrible situation to be in for you both. Xxx

@ExceededUsefulEconomicLife · Yesterday 19:08

It's not daft. It's correct. There is no legal safety for anyone employed less than two years. Probation periods are a red herring. You receive no further rights from passing, just a slightly longer notice period.
OP, get the help he needs. What's caused this? Can that be helped?

No. It is incorrect to have a blanket statement that you have 'no employment rights' before 2 years.

As I said you have some employment rights from day one: the right to a contract, payslips, paid leave. Those are employment rights.

You can say that it is easier for an employer to get rid of someone who has been in post for less than two years, but you can't say that that person has 'no employment rights'...

And as I mentioned if someone has a long term mental health condition that counts as a disability there is also protection from disability discrimination from day one.

Semantics maybe but factual...

You say he doesn't want to quit because that would affect benefits but does want to stop working there. Yet he is too ill to work and thinks they will sack him if he goes off sick?

Get signed off, let them sack him (and pay his notice/sick leave), claim the benefits and then explain to next employer he had a period of ill health.

He isn't the first person this has happened to and not unusual in my industry sadly! Any reasonable person knows sometimes you don't gel with a role or workplace. Take a breath and get him to the doctor.

This happened to my DH a few years ago when he changed jobs. He could not cope at all and had to get signed off.

What worked for us was getting the house ready to sell. PILs helped us have a clear our and paint. The plan was that the small amount of equity we had would give us probably a year if we were frugal for DH to get back on his feet. Having that as a back up plan was a huge relief for him.

Immediately after Xmas, sign yourself up with temp agencies and/or back staff at your local authority and NHS for some office work while you are waiting fir your DBS.

DH ended up going back to his old job with a lower salary and obviously losing the continuation of service benefits he had built up. It turned out OK though.

Best of luck to you, enlist all the family help you can.

Hi all, have made a dr appt and will ask for him to be signed off. He isn't due any holiday pay etc.
He's lost 10lbs in 2 weeks.
Family are great but there's a lot going on health wise for them too.
I can't see him being able to go back to this job and get better mentally - if he stays I think it will kill him. I've never seen him so bad - he can't make any decisions, not even whether he wants coffee or tea.

I have applied for DBS already and am registering with agencies but this close to Christmas is a bad time to be actively job hunting and looking after dh. Don't want to leave him alone.

Thank you for all the advice and stories of when this really did turn out to be the best thing in the long run

Get advice from ACAS or CAB i.e. people who know what they are talking about , not some of the opinions on here. Good luck

Definitely look at mortgage holidays to take the pressure off. Do you have any subscriptions you can pause or any debt to move to a 0% card? Any credits in energy accounts? Can you switch any insurances / utilities for cheaper?

Priority is to get him out of that job - whilst he's off do everything you can to get outgoings down.

Trigger Warning: Suicide

Please seek peofessional help for your husband immediately. You are describing my late huhusband's last few weeks....anxious, panicky, convinced he was going to be fired, illogical. We went away for a weeks holiday as planned, thinking it would do him good. He went missing and was found in the sea 4 days later. Don't under estimate the seriousness of this please.

Ok he can't quit, but he can stop running himself ragged trying to keep it. Tell him you fully expect and want him to lose the job and that would be a better outcome for the family than quitting. See the doctor and go sick. When challenged about performance he can be honest about the impossibility of the job and the impact on his mental health. They might be helpful, you never know.

I'm so sorry he is going through this. I started a new job last year and within weeks it sent me into a state of anxiety where I was feeling suicidal. It was horrible but at least I managed to get my old job back and leave quickly. I can't imagine the worry for you both if you know he can't go back. When all the financial burden is falling on him alone this must be massively worrying for him on top of the work worries. he needs help quickly but then you know that.
Speak to your mortgage company, claim Universal credit asap and if he has sufficent Ni contributions over the past 2-3 years then he should also claim New style ESA when his SSP ends, although this would be deducted from UC. You'll need to claim UC for some help with mortgage payments. Hopefully you will find something quickly unless you need to be home to care for him, I guess that depends on the length of time for him to recover. Don't be afraid to ask if any family can help in the short term until benefits come through, i know I would if it was my close family member.

Yes, this! He can and needs to take a step back, stop doing the unreasonable requests. They are being unreasonable but there is nothing to stop him doing a realistic days work while he looks elsewhere.

A new problem which has occurred to me is the company car. He pays tax on it and it's expensive. If he's on ssp I think he'll still have to pay it and we can't afford it. What happens if work refuse to take it back? Also if he gives up the car he can't do the job anyway because it involves driving!
Everywhere I look I keep finding new problems!

I have a company car and they reduce your tax free allowance to cover it. I'm not 100% sure but if he isn't taking home enough to pay tax that month then they won't take any and then by the end of the year it will reconcile. May be proved wrong by someone who knows better.

I am a couple of weeks into a new job. I had only started the previous new job in June, but after a week where I was in tears twice in a week, I knew I had to look elsewhere. The stars aligned for me - new new job is fewer hours, substantially more money and closer to home. And so far, without any micromanaging arseholes, but it's a large organisation, so I'm not daft enough to think there are none.

There are positives. If he's still in his probation period, that would imply his CV etc is up to date. It could also be he has a shorter notice period, (I did take a little pleasure in giving only a week's notice, if I am honest,) though that depends on his contract.

If he can get signed off - and losing 10lb in 2 weeks should persuade any GP - with the upcoming Bank Holidays as well, he should get a break. The jobs market does stall over Christmas, but should get going in January, people back in the office, new projects, new budgets. People have posted about options around mortgage payments and benefits and so on.

It's horrible to have to go through this, but all is not lost. Good luck to you both.

@Errahstop I'm so sorry about your husband. And thank you for posting. It must be so hard for you.
I'm not leaving DH alone right now. I don't think he'd do it but I know he can't see the wood for the trees at the moment.

What's stressing him out at work op? Is it another colleague or work load too high?? Perhaps he could speak to his boss to get help

Yes, you've definitely done the right thing getting him respite.

Maybe see if you can understand why the job is going wrong.

If they are micromanaging arseholes as a PP said there's not much that can be done. But if for example it's that the workload is too high, then perhaps it's possible to speak to management - especially if the role has had a high staff turnover etc.

I got state help when I left a job. No questions asked at the job centre. I am a single parent don't know if that makes a difference but am sure he would still qualify.