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Original poster

How have you escaped visitors on Christmas day?

41 replies

Callitadayby1pm · 11/12/2024 23:57

For as long as I can remember Christmas day has always been me, dh and our children. We visit relatives in the days before and after Christmas day. We’ve never hosted or joined family gatherings, it’s not our thing and generally our families respect our choice.
However FIL and his new partner have somehow invited themselves to watch our children open gifts on Christmas day morning. We’re not sure how this come about but FIL partner text me saying she is excited to spend Christmas day with us.
I feel awful having to say no we aren’t having guests, particularly as FIL has put us in that position knowing our wishes. If he comes then MIL and her partner will want to come too as she’ll feel that we’re favouring FIL. My parents will be annoyed we ‘invited’ the in laws but not them. It would spiral out of control. Not to mention make it uncomfortable.
So can anyone suggest a pleasant way we can tell them they cannot visit? Yes I’m a bit of a wimp and people pleaser so saying no to somebody is difficult for me, and if dh tells them then they’ll assume I’ve made the final decision (they can’t imagine their son not want to spend time with them) so a simple ‘sorry but you can’t’ will cause huge offence and fall outs.
it’s stressing me out as they are the type who will turn up regardless as they have no regards for boundaries.

OP posts:
Joystir59 · 12/12/2024 00:00

I would say exactly what you have hear- that you always keep Christmas day for yourselves and your children- that's your tradition and you will therefore see them on x day. Instead.

MsPavlichenko · 12/12/2024 00:02

It came about because they are cheeky fuckers with no boundaries and you didn’t head them off at the first message.

You need to message and say that they have got it wrong. You are spending the day just yourselves, and look forward to seeing them another day, not Christmas Day. And repeat if necessary.

HeddaGarbled · 12/12/2024 00:04

if dh tells them then they’ll assume I’ve made the final decision

It still needs to come from him though: his family, his job to sort.

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Christmas Events & celebrations
skippy67 · 12/12/2024 00:06

We've always done Christmas day with just me Dh and dc. We've never had an issue with family not getting it.

healthybychristmas · 12/12/2024 00:21

Let your husband do it but have him say because of the split family situation and in-laws it gets too difficult because everyone wants to visit and that would be far too much for you all and so the only possible thing now is for nobody to visit on Christmas Day.

Yellowbananasarebetterthangreen · 12/12/2024 00:25

Just be firm and say "No" and "We are keen to always keep Christmas day for just us but we are very much looking forward to seeing you on xyz day" Dont let them make you feel bad.

Original poster
Callitadayby1pm · 12/12/2024 00:29

Thanks everyone. I agree dh should sort it but he’s more relaxed than me and will just ignore it and hope it goes away then pretend we’re unwell on Christmas morning to cancel.
Thing is FIL has bought us a very expensive gift, something we were going to buy anyway but he told us he’d bought it (there’s always competition between him and MIL who gets the best/most expensive gift for us but that’s for another thread) so I think he actually believes he’s entitled to invite himself in return for the gift (that we didn’t ask for) it’s all very passive hence why we avoid family like the plague!

OP posts:
Fraaances · 12/12/2024 00:36

Reply -
That’s news to us…. Please do not put us in that position. We are not having visitors at Christmas to avoid awkward political situations between you and and MIL. Please respect our decision is made with the best interests of the children. Christmas Day is going to be just us for the foreseeable.

(This clearly states that a) they were not invited to drop by and b) this is not a new status quo that they are setting up to gain brownie points.)

Avatartar · 12/12/2024 00:40

OP you write the message on DH’s phone and send it:
due to the number of people who want to call in on xmas day v’s people avoiding each other, it’s too much for us to cope with. We want to relax on Xmas day with the DCs and are looking forward to seeing you on x day

BoldAmberDuck · 16/12/2024 22:25

Callitadayby1pm · 12/12/2024 00:29

Thanks everyone. I agree dh should sort it but he’s more relaxed than me and will just ignore it and hope it goes away then pretend we’re unwell on Christmas morning to cancel.
Thing is FIL has bought us a very expensive gift, something we were going to buy anyway but he told us he’d bought it (there’s always competition between him and MIL who gets the best/most expensive gift for us but that’s for another thread) so I think he actually believes he’s entitled to invite himself in return for the gift (that we didn’t ask for) it’s all very passive hence why we avoid family like the plague!

Just let them come for a while but not whole day

pestoblush · 16/12/2024 22:27

I would sit dh down with the home phone and actually get him to ring to explain

crumpet · 16/12/2024 22:32

I’m sorry but arranging for you, MIL and my parents to all come round on Christmas Day is too much for us. We will keep Christmas Day for just the [4?] of us, but would love to arrange to see you on Christmas Eve/Boxing Day

ITSSSSCHRISTMASSS · 16/12/2024 22:36

“ just checking your message, DH said your coming first thing for present opening, not the whole day? We don’t usually invite people over Christmas Day but DH wanted to make an exception Christmas morning just for you and FIL. We don’t do a big Christmas Day just us and the kids in our pjs and then we celebrate with all our parents and families either before or after Christmas Day”.

IDontLoveTheWayYouLie · 16/12/2024 22:37

Just say that you want to spend Christmas how you normally do and will be seeing everyone else separately around Christmas. You can still be grateful for the present but him getting you something doesn't mean he has the right to decide what's happening.

Coffeeandcocktails · 16/12/2024 22:56

If it’s FIL’s partner that has text about it maybe they’ve got confused with other plans..
I’d reply saying “hey, do you mean on the 27th*? As we have our own plans on Christmas Day and had planned to see you on the 27th” (insert correct date).
hopefully that will prevent them turning up Christmas morning anyway!

JennyBG · 16/12/2024 23:03

BoldAmberDuck · 16/12/2024 22:25

Just let them come for a while but not whole day

Show quote history

You know, surely, that that won’t happen?? Once ensconced in the lounge, they’ll be there for the rest of the day.

OP needs to do as suggested, send a message from DH’s phone, saying Christmas Day is for them, and them alone, no if, ands, or buts.

Delphiniumandlupins · 16/12/2024 23:11

"Oh, we won't be seeing you on Christmas Day. We always keep that just for us and DC. Really looking forward to having you over on x day at z time for cake/brunch/lunch."

You can open presents with them when they visit whether that's earlier or later than Christmas Day.

Lesleymumof3kids · 16/12/2024 23:38

We are opening pressies when the kids get up on Christmas day at 5 am. We plan to have a relaxed schedule with just us that day as they will be over excited and will get fractious/ overtired and we are not up to entertaining as we will be dead on our feet from staying up late to build the Santa pressies of a bike/play kitchen /set up an electronic device/ insert numerous batteries in toys etc. We will see you on Christmas eve or another date as arranged to swap gifts for under the tree and will see you on sometime between Christmas and New Year for dinner/drinks/ lunch at ours/ yours .We will think about you when they open your pressies and will facetime you on Christmas day at 9am so the kids can say thank you.And you can thank them for your pressies.

Pinkyhere · 16/12/2024 23:47

Hi Janet,
I think there has been some sort of confusion.
We'd love to see you on x date instead though.
We always spend Christmas day on our own and I don't want to cause any upset with mil or my parents or appear to picking favourites.
Thank you for understanding. We do look forward to seeing you on xdate.

MuggleMe · 16/12/2024 23:47

Fraaances · 12/12/2024 00:36

Reply -
That’s news to us…. Please do not put us in that position. We are not having visitors at Christmas to avoid awkward political situations between you and and MIL. Please respect our decision is made with the best interests of the children. Christmas Day is going to be just us for the foreseeable.

(This clearly states that a) they were not invited to drop by and b) this is not a new status quo that they are setting up to gain brownie points.)

This, and promise to video the reaction.

coupebaby · 17/12/2024 00:04

Callitadayby1pm · 12/12/2024 00:29

Thanks everyone. I agree dh should sort it but he’s more relaxed than me and will just ignore it and hope it goes away then pretend we’re unwell on Christmas morning to cancel.
Thing is FIL has bought us a very expensive gift, something we were going to buy anyway but he told us he’d bought it (there’s always competition between him and MIL who gets the best/most expensive gift for us but that’s for another thread) so I think he actually believes he’s entitled to invite himself in return for the gift (that we didn’t ask for) it’s all very passive hence why we avoid family like the plague!

Yeah he knows what he’s doing. Text her back and say “Hi (name) did FIL say to you that you’re coming over to ours? I’m so sorry I’m not sure why he’s said this to you, we’ve always just kept Xmas day just the (insert amount) of us as and he knows this. If we allow you both to call then MIL and my parents would feel left out and it’s just too much having everyone around hence why we leave it neutral so nobody’s left out and have it just ourselves, but we will see you on X day and the kids will be full of excitement telling you all about what they got Xmas morning. I hope you understand, as it’s fairer on everyone if we treat everyone the same”

Emmz1510 · 17/12/2024 07:42

Fraaances · 12/12/2024 00:36

Reply -
That’s news to us…. Please do not put us in that position. We are not having visitors at Christmas to avoid awkward political situations between you and and MIL. Please respect our decision is made with the best interests of the children. Christmas Day is going to be just us for the foreseeable.

(This clearly states that a) they were not invited to drop by and b) this is not a new status quo that they are setting up to gain brownie points.)

I think this is a little heavy handed and formal.

‘Sorry fil, we always spend Christmas Day just us. How about you come over/we visit you on Christmas Eve/Boxing Day to swap presents? The kids would love that’.
It’s direct, to the point, brief and not unkind.

SunnyHappyPeople · 17/12/2024 07:54

How about..

Dad, I didn't invite you, we're doing our own thing.

See you on X date. Get the beer in. Cheers.

TreesWelliesKnees · 17/12/2024 08:04

SunnyHappyPeople · 17/12/2024 07:54

How about..

Dad, I didn't invite you, we're doing our own thing.

See you on X date. Get the beer in. Cheers.

😂 Yes, this. Clearly from DH, to the point, no apologies!

Compash · 17/12/2024 08:43

Sounds like FIL is using his new partner as a cat's paw too... not telling you himself... he knows exactly what he's doing, this is just another strategy in the 'outdoing each other' competition... 🙄.

The only way to deal with things like this is to be quick, short and honest, don't make long or elaborate excuses (this will only give them leverage to counter your excuses). I like @Pinkyhere 's response.

Maybe add that you are happy to keep their presents for the kids until they are there to see them on the 27th or whenever.