If you do feel appreciated….

[Heyyoupleasekeepgoing]

If you do the majority of the invisible/ domestic/ mental load type work in your household and you DO feel appreciated by your DP for it, what is it they do to make you feel appreciated? How do you know they appreciate you?

Talking about this with DH and he insists when I bring it up as an issue that he does appreciate it all. But I don’t feel appreciated - I wonder if anyone does?

Never happened to me. Hence the divorce…

Thanks @PeppyMintWriter that scenario is much more common I think! I am
sorry that happened to you. Was hoping there was some happy couples out there who could show us how to do it!

I hope so too 😊

Hugs and kisses me telling me he doesn't know how I do so much
Says he appreciates everything I do
Voluntarily gets up with the kids so I can rest / takes them out so I can rest / stay up with the dog so I can rest (despite being a paramedic and being bloody knackered himself)
Buying my favourite chocolate
Making me tea
Being an equal player and doing loads. I always come home to find he's hoovered under the sofa or something as he loves clean and tidy
Telling me I'm beautiful and that he loves me

I realise I'm very lucky and for perspective op I had a dreadful childhood and haven't had any contact with my mother for over a decade (childhood abuse reasons) so it's not always been a bed of roses for me.

Sad laugh at how dead this thread is. Surely some women feel appreciated?!

I'm also single. Not a partner but I can say though that one of my children makes me feel appreciated. Mainly he says thank you. I can bring clean washing to one child who moans they have to put it away when I ask but my other one will thank me for doing the washing (and then put in on his chair and not put it away!!) but he said thanks so sweetly. He rarely just says I love you he will say "I love you because...". Today I told him he lost his iPad time as he had misbehaved, his sister laughed and said that's the worst punishment for him because he loves the iPad. He said no the worst punishment would be mummy stops loving me. Obviously trying to manipulate me into reversing the punishment by melting my heart but my god i know that boy appreciates me. I hope he never looses these traits and can treat a future partner with appreciation. He can see his lazy shit of a father never stepping up so I look good by comparison and he can see his haggard stressed step mother putting up with it and doing everything and will probably watch as she leaves his dad too. I doubt he would be appreciative if he didn't have it set out so clearly for him that some parents do very little.

Basically I think what makes you feel appreciated is them acknowledging what you do and saying thank you?? My experience of men is they don't even notice half of what we do so they can't thank us

I feel appreciated by my partner but I haven't commented because I don't do all of the mental and domestic load. As a rule, a man who appreciates his partner doesn't leave her to carry the entire load of running the home so that would explain why it's dead.

I don't do all the domestic and mental load in the first place, but for the parts of it I do, and for my currently doing the lions share of childcare (I'm on mat leave) my DH uncomplainingly and unprompted does all the shit, dirty, heavy jobs that I hate. He hates them too because they're shit, dirty and/or heavy but he does them all.

I don’t do everything either and my DP is excellent in most ways, however…

I broke my ankle this summer and he had to do all my bits as well as all of his bits and he, after two weeks of me complete NWB, said “I have realised I don’t appreciate you enough!” And he has been even better ever since!

I think he hadn’t realised just how endless laundry and meal planning/cooking is whereas a lot of his jobs get done and stay done for a while

Thanks @bakewellbride this was exactly what I was looking for - that ls a lovely description of the whole package of both words and actions of appreciation - thank you for that.

That is such a good point @TheyDidntBurnWitchesTheyBurntWomen the appreciation of my children means so much to me, I should be more grateful for that. I guess if they can do it at their age it’s not that complicated is it!! Your DS sounds so lovely.

I think dh does appreciate the stuff that I do at home. He also pulls his weight in the house, and I appreciate his contribution too.

I don't feel that he appreciates how hard I work as the main breadwinner for the family, or how much stress goes along with this - I suppose he just doesn't really see or understand the day to day reality of what I deal with in work, whereas he knows what's involved in running a house.

Thanks @MrsSunshine2b and @CheeseWisely both good points if uncomfortable to think about. DH is certainly not pitching in with any unpleasant jobs. Perhaps I am looking for a way to feel better about a situation when actually the situation itself needs to change.

If you are doing the majority of the domestic work then there is no appreciation, he’s just laughing at you and taking the piss. ‘Appreciative’ husbands (men who are emotionally intelligent and mature) just quietly get on and muck in.

Teamwork is what real love looks like.

DH thanks me for the things that I do and also never questions how I've spent my day (as a sahm with some nursery hours). If I've not managed to get something done, he quietly picks up the task without a fuss. When he gets home after work, we muck in together with all the domestic and bedtime routines.
He doesn't do grand gestures or buying lots of token gifts, but I feel appreciated because there's an atmosphere of being supported in the whole house.

Ironically the opposite applied for me! I broke my leg. Got home from A&E in a plaster cast on crutches after 6+ hours. H at home with DD. First thing he said was ‘I’m going to have to do everything now aren’t I?’ (Mopey voice). I thought ‘Well at least he’ll see how much I do at home’. Nope! All he saw was how much more he had to do 🙄 and he let me know about it! Plus I was still doing most of the mental load like meal planning, online food shop, did all the Christmas gift ordering. Once I was back on my feet I asked for a divorce!

OP I think it’s nigh on impossible to get what you’re asking for…because if your OH understands and appreciates how much needs doing, they’ll chip in and do their fair share. If they don’t see it (or they assume it’s your responsibility), they won’t value what you’re doing. I’m better off as a single parent. There’s less mess to clean up, less washing to do. DD is 11 and she values what I do. I bought her penguins (biscuits!) the other day and she was very grateful I’d picked something she would like and told me I was an amazing Mum 🥰

Thanks @ThisWormHasTurned and everyone this thread has been more of an eye opener than I expected! I think you’re all right. DH is not being appreciative to the level even my children are and he doesn’t pitch in. To be fair he is generally unavailable to help because he is working, but I also work and I’m fed up of it all!

After a conversation with my partner today it appears I do fuck all apart from make him unhappy.

He regularly tells me to have a break and encourages me to spend time out. He looks after dc and does stuff with them.

He makes me coffee every morning and cook on weekends. Or pick up a take away.

When he is around, he'll do jobs too so I'm not doing everything.

When dc were young, he'd call me and ask what I was doing that day. He was really asking "are you doing anything fun with the dcs today?"

Never really thought about it with DH. He works away so I consult deal with everything when he's not here! But when he's home he massively picks up the slack and does take a lot of the load on. Because when he's home he's home whilst I'm still working (night shifts) so he will take over the housework, walking the dog, ferrying the DC around to work/clubs etc (not his DC!)

I think the fact he's always on the other end of the phone should I need him when he's away helps a lot too

Can he ever appreciate you if he doesn’t share chores etc with you? If my husband didn’t lift a finger, but told me how wonderful I was - I’d tell him where to go. There is no excuse for anyone not to do lift a finger at home. It’s not hard, it’s not too taxing, it’s entitled and selfish and shows they think their time is worth more than yours. That’s not appreciation.

Mine thanks me for doing all the laundry and most of the child related stuff. He doesn't forward plan so really appreciates that I do.

He does however do the bulk of the cooking which I hugely appreciate (I have decided the meals and done the shopping).

He always encourages me to pursue my interests and to socialise with friends etc. He frequently tells me that I look nice/he loves me.

He knows I hate DIY so he does it, sometimes begrudgingly but he does do it.

Overall we are a team & share the load, and we thank/encourage each other. It works well for us!

Just one of many examples

We watched the BBC ultra processed food documentary and he said

"This is one of the reasons you're our secret weapon"

Meaning I cook from m scratch, am always looking how to reduce UPFs from the house, hence the breadmaker etc etc.

When I was a SAHP with children at home I think the thing that made me feel appreciated was that my partner made sure that the children understood what I did and how I contributed. He thanked me for what I did, and made sure they did too. He never took me for granted or made me feel my contribution was less than his.

thanks me for every meal I prepare. and washing up
never complains if I do an easy meal because I cant handle making something else
acknowledges things I have done and thanks me for them.

I guess its just he says thank you
and when I ask him to do things or help with certain tasks he is usually more than willing to

My husband is very dyslexic with both letters and numbers so I have to do all admin, obviously I knew this before I married him

I also do the same for his Mum now that she’s on her own because she’s the same as him

He’s always telling me how much appreciates me, buys me flowers for no reason, always happy to do his share of housework (as he should but so many don’t)

And when it’s cold he puts my PJs on the radiator ready for when I get in from work 😃