Lots of people think that babies should be at home with parents - but how does this work in reality?

[Buthowdoesthatwork]

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/thirty_days_only/5227945-whats-your-secret-viewpoint

I’ve noticed a lot of people on here, including the above thread, expressing the view that babies and toddlers should be “at home with mum” (they rarely say dad, but that’s another topic) when they are 2, 3, or until they start school. Many people also point out that nurseries are not the best environment for young babies.

Whilst I’m sure that there are many benefits to this proposed set-up, I’m genuinely curious as to how it translates into reality for most people in 2024? Not trying to bait anyone here - but I really do wonder how people are making it work?

I can imagine that it’s possible for families where one parent (again - dad?) is a very high earner, to the extent that the other can stay at home without causing any financial issues. Perhaps it also makes sense if one parent earns very little and/or is in a career where a long break wouldn’t harm longer term employment prospects, such that childcare costs are not offset by the benefits of working.

But, perhaps incorrectly, I imagine that most people fall somewhere in between these examples? For example, I know that I would have great difficulty in returning to the career that I’ve spent over a decade training for if I took three or four years off. I now work part time and childcare consumes a huge proportion of what I earn (shared money, but for the sake of illustration); however, I think it will benefit my children in the longer term if I can retain some of my career and earning potential. I’m not talking about fancy houses and flash cars either, as some critics seem to be suggesting are the drivers for both parents working, but just - maintaining an OK standard of living with heating on and clean clothes and fresh food? We couldn’t afford a nanny, we don’t have family on standby to help - so nursery it is.

I’m prepared to believe that it would be better for my children if I was at home all the time, especially whilst they are little. Or to have a nanny. But those aren’t truly realistic options for us. I don’t really know what the solution is. I’m wondering whether all those who pan nurseries are in a very privileged position, either financially or in terms of support? Or if there are other things I’ve not considered.

Not every mother wants to be a SAHM.

My career is fulfilling and it also makes me a better parent. Staying at home would make me bored and miserable. 🤷🏻‍♀️

DH has a high income and we have investments that have done well, so that's how we've made it work. I've been a sahm since my 6yo DD1 was born, but she went to nursery pt from age 2.5 for early years education and socialisation. My younger DD2 is 2.5 and has just started nursery for 4 mornings a week, and both of them have thrived in the nursery setting from that age. I'm happy with the time I spent with them before the nursery and school years, we spent most days out of the house rather than being at home, and they enjoyed a variety of baby/toddler classes and trips out, all over London. We were able to do activities that you wouldn't be able to do in a nursery, like baby massage, swimming, parent & toddler gymnastics and ballet (with 1:1 support from a parent), regular theatre and concert trips, trips to large soft play frames and adventure playgrounds (needed to have me spotting and boosting). I breastfed eldest until age 3 and I'm still breastfeeding the younger one.

I don't work now but I have other income through investments, and I don't plan to return to the workplace. I'm not financially dependent on DH and we haven't had to make sacrifices to our lifestyle (we live in a house in London, each dc has their own room, and dcs go/will go to private school). Financially I don't need to work, and I like the flexibility of being around for school holidays, school events, transporting to extracurriculars etc. Admittedly I also value my free time during school hours and would rather spend that time doing leisure activities for me than filling all that time with work.

I think this is key point.

Improving work flexibility and the availability of part time work would go a very long way to improving women's options and enabling them to make the best choices for their families.

I've had to use a childminder until she can get space in nursery. She's great. Had her first settling in session today and did so well

A great childminder can be fantastic.

However, getting a spot with a great one can be tricky.

I preferred the accountability that comes with a nursery.

I think the most important thing is that families have real choice in picking what's best for their individual child.

My parents both worked full time, I was with a childminder from about 4 months old. I don't have the best bond with my mum, but I don't think that's all because of my early years. We were close until I was about 11, when she went off the rails in other unrelated ways. I loved my childminder and it was just like a surrogate family, really. So from my experience it can work. My mum wanted to work, I think she'd have been unhappy at home with me all the time and that would have probably been worse.

It's so easy, honestly. One to one or small home group settings are better for infants and very young toddlers. So that's childminder, nanny or nanny share. Not rocket science!

Nursery does the job but nursery isn't ideal for the youngest children. I honestly dkw people are so defensive about this! I live in London where childcare is eye-wateringly expensive and of course not everyone can afford a nanny. But childminders charge less than nannies (1 to 1) or any decent nursery.

I live very close to two nurseries. They are both highly rated in our area and I'm sure quite a lot of fun for the over 3s. But not for the babies. The babies spend up to 50 hours a week in one room! That's not ideal is it?

At a (decent) nursery they don’t stay in one room. We rejected the idea of a nanny or childminder as they can get sick or take holidays whereas nursery is open when we need it and there is greater accountability.

Noted 👍

But not all nurseries are the same. Mine don’t spend all day in one room, even in the baby room. They have a sensory/soft play room which is separate to the actual baby room and go outside daily.

It seems to be something people say when they have the option to be a SAHP due to a high earning partner, or, more commonly, to justify claiming benefits and staying at home. By the time they have to look for work, they've got a huge gap on their CV and struggle to find anything so in practise often end up remaining SAHPs for many more years. It obviously would not work if all couples had one parent quit their jobs, there would not be enough in the kitty.

Nursery does the job but nursery isn't ideal for the youngest children. I honestly dkw people are so defensive about this! I

@LindorDoubleChoc Just because someone disagrees with you about nurseries does not mean they are defensive. I think you need to broaden your mind.

If you need to say things like surely it is not ideal as your argument, it might not be as obvious as you think.

Sorry @Parker231 did not mean to quote you. I do agree with you though. Those are my reasons for preferring nurseries.

Lacking in worth? Thats an odd thing to say about being a full time mother, why would you think that?

The general idea is that no one will dote on your dc like you do and in those formative crucial first years the faces smiling down on baby are it's loving parents.

Unfortunately even in the best nursery no young stressed worker is going to be able to dote on your dc like you do.

Dc also need down time, time to potter think, mess around without structure and institutional programs being out of home at 7am, back home at 7pm.

In circumstances where couples have a choice to have a child I think many feel it would be too selfish to the child and many couples are happily child free and they can indulge themselves also.

Nurseries aren’t all staffed with young stressed workers - they are highly qualified and motivated nursery staff who become friends of the family. Many are older - some were much older than me when DT’s started.

A good nursery gives plenty of opportunities for free play - in the sensory room, the dressing up box, sand table, outside in the vegetable garden or getting to wonder around dragging their favourite truck. It’s not an institution.

Dcs don't need someone to 'dote' on them. Except for precious first borns (PFBs), what busy parent has time to dote on a kid all the time?

Faces smiling down on them - yup, strangely that happens at nurseries as well. Not sure what you think nurseries are like.

Children potter at nurseries too. Again, you can lay off the 'institution' insinuations.

You don't have to use a nursery. You clearly don't. Parents who do are not being 'selfish' (jeez, don't hold back). They are putting food on the table and laying the foundations for a strong financial future for themselves and their dc AND parenting the dcs in a perfectly reasonable arrangement.

This. There’s no ‘one size fits all’ approach. As mothers will need to refuse to fall into the trap of judging others and respect each others’ choices / life circumstances. All those criticising SAH mums are basically undervaluing childcare as important role in society. Also many SAH parents have had careers and will again so it’s not a clear cut ‘either or’. We all know that kids are different too. Some can’t cope in a nursery environment whereas some love being with their friends and the stimulation.

It sounds like you achieved a good balance!

I suppose my point remains, though, that this sort of arrangement would still be tricky for most people. Lots of people do not have grandparents on hand to provide childcare for two days a week, or ever! And many couples would struggle financially if both working the equivalent of 70%.

All mothers are full time mothers.

Our DD is 3 and we have both managed to be stay at home parents while working full time, it can be done, but it requires complete flexibility in working which most people don't have access to. My DH is out the house 10 hours doing shift work, and I run a business around those hours, sometimes from home sometimes on site, but the sacrifice is me & DH only get real time together at the weekend or when I can have justify having time off or working from home, I don't get enough sleep if my work is busy and we end up passing DD back and forth like a baton at times, but I have loved it, and I love that she has had almost equal time with her dad one on one too, I think more parents should have the opportunity to do it, but in reality it's just not feasible for most.

I love not having to get up and go straight out in the mornings, being able to do whatever we feel like during the day (especially in winter), seeing the in laws who are now retired.. walking the dogs, getting all the housework done, but fuck me I'm tired.

I'm actually dreading her going to nursery and then school next year, as it will be properly structured then, but it will be nice to have a more traditional family setup where we are all together at the same time.. and get a decent night's sleep!

50 hours per week isn't ideal for young children, regardless of the type of care.

I'm not defensive about nursery - it's just not true that it's always the "not ideal" option. It just really suits some kids, in limited amounts. From infancy, my kids just really liked having lots going on, and lots of people to look at. I would have had to move them from a childminder in their second year, as they would have been bored, no matter how good the childminder. I'm glad that they didn't have that disruption.

It's all about individual families being able to choose what's best for their individual child.

I don’t think nursery is a bad thing. It takes a village to raise well rounded children and these days not everyone has that at home. At a good quality nursery children make friends and experience lots of fun things and messy play. Balance is key.

Also babies at the nursery we used have their own garden to play in and get walked around in.They don’t spend all day in a room!

Historically women didn’t just stay home with a baby - if you were poor you worked and if you weren’t you had servants! It’s quite a new construction. My Mum stayed home with us and hugely regretted it as she had nothing to go back to. And it’s not only that but it’s also your pension that would be affected. I had my children when maternity leave was 26 weeks. They are fine as adults - my daughter recently asked me if I worked when they were little? In her memory I was always there. Well I did, I always worked, I just juggled to be with them when I could. I’m so glad I did now - you are aware as you get into your 50’s that actually your time to work and earn money is getting shorter, and the time when you need to rely on a pension is coming.