Lots of people think that babies should be at home with parents - but how does this work in reality?

[Buthowdoesthatwork]

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/thirty_days_only/5227945-whats-your-secret-viewpoint

I’ve noticed a lot of people on here, including the above thread, expressing the view that babies and toddlers should be “at home with mum” (they rarely say dad, but that’s another topic) when they are 2, 3, or until they start school. Many people also point out that nurseries are not the best environment for young babies.

Whilst I’m sure that there are many benefits to this proposed set-up, I’m genuinely curious as to how it translates into reality for most people in 2024? Not trying to bait anyone here - but I really do wonder how people are making it work?

I can imagine that it’s possible for families where one parent (again - dad?) is a very high earner, to the extent that the other can stay at home without causing any financial issues. Perhaps it also makes sense if one parent earns very little and/or is in a career where a long break wouldn’t harm longer term employment prospects, such that childcare costs are not offset by the benefits of working.

But, perhaps incorrectly, I imagine that most people fall somewhere in between these examples? For example, I know that I would have great difficulty in returning to the career that I’ve spent over a decade training for if I took three or four years off. I now work part time and childcare consumes a huge proportion of what I earn (shared money, but for the sake of illustration); however, I think it will benefit my children in the longer term if I can retain some of my career and earning potential. I’m not talking about fancy houses and flash cars either, as some critics seem to be suggesting are the drivers for both parents working, but just - maintaining an OK standard of living with heating on and clean clothes and fresh food? We couldn’t afford a nanny, we don’t have family on standby to help - so nursery it is.

I’m prepared to believe that it would be better for my children if I was at home all the time, especially whilst they are little. Or to have a nanny. But those aren’t truly realistic options for us. I don’t really know what the solution is. I’m wondering whether all those who pan nurseries are in a very privileged position, either financially or in terms of support? Or if there are other things I’ve not considered.

There's a difference between a toddler being in nursery for a few mornings a week while mum works part time, and a baby (even 9-12mo) being in nursery from 8am to 6pm M-F getting home just in time for 7pm bedime. Which is the unfortunate reality for many working parents. Next year, myself included unless I can find another solution.

We didn’t do a 7pm bedtime during the nursery years. DT’s were good sleepers and we did gentle sleep training (not controlled crying before anyone jumps in) just before I went back to work. They went to bed around 8-8.30pm and slept through so got plenty of sleep.

Ours does this too, and so did all the ones local to us we looked at. They go to the theatre, museums, local park, garden centres to shop then plant them, the local and not so local city farms, the local school where they use the sports facilities and play with the children in the year above, and so many others.

This week our 3yr old has been to the shops to buy Christmas decorations and ingredients to make gingerbread decorations. The local park. The local school to put on their performance of their Christmas play (very cute, I may have had shed a little tear seeing them all working together and singing in their little outfits!). Took the tube to a small museum and did some ‘science experiments’. Not to mention the extensive outside play areas they have. And it’s only Wednesday!

Every day- wow that’s incredibly impressive!

It’s many years ago now but don’t think it was unusual as friends using different nurseries did the same. Waiting lists to get in were the biggest headache particularly when you have twins so need 2 spaces. We were on waiting lists before they were born.

Outings to various locations every day.
No wonder it was popular.

As I said it wasn’t usual amongst local nurseries used by friends. We used the same nursery from six months to starting school so no actual comparisons.

This is an interesting take.

I chose to stay home with my children as I am a mother who wants to take responsibility for my offspring and do my best by them. I want to show them that families work as a team- whether you're working in or outside of the home, everyone deserves respect and equal treatment.

I think it takes planning because you need to be in housing that you can afford on one wage. We did it, we moved house and deliberately chose something we would be able to manage on DH's salary so I could be at home, but that meant being in something smaller than my friends plus it needed work. I lived with the thinnest most horrible carpet for seven years because we couldn't afford to replace it. We didn't have any family or support nearby.

I think people don't like doing that now (this was 15 years ago) and want a nice house with all new stuff, so that's part of it, plus housing prices are ridiculous and you need two wages to afford them.

It's probably possible still but with a lot of long term planning and sacrifices, and maybe living in a cheap part of the country. Much harder now I think.

Some nurseries are great but that doesn't deflect from the point that all the child development studies show it doesn't benefit them until 2.5-3yrs. They are better off at home with their primary carer- if that primary carer is mentally/ physically well of course.

Doesn't mean every child is hating nursery or anything. And it's doesn't work in modern life for many.

It's the same as bf/ ff argument. Every study shows Bf is better for baby but it doesn't work for every mother. No need for everyone to be so defensive.

DH and I financially didn’t need to progress our careers by working full time but did because we wanted to. As a result DT’s went to full time nursery. Good result for the whole family.

I didn't stay at home full time as a mum because both parents having financial independence is the best way to avoid or overcome abusive situations

I don't have an opinion on this. But it would be interesting to see a study of lots of 50+ year olds, and see whether statistically having a parent at home until age 3 has made any difference to their social and familial relationships long term. Are people more likely to be divorced, happily married, in rubbish or abusive marriages, have good parental relationships, high self worth, and so on.

I am mid 50’s as is DH. We both went to full time nursery before the age of one. We’ve both completed post grad education, happily married 30 years, two DC’s who we love to bits - now both independent living in different countries to us. Will be enjoying Christmas with both of our sets of parents, both sets of siblings and their families and our DC’s and their partners.

I did think this, I stayed at home with the kids til they were in secondary school and I don't regret it in fact I loved every minute of those pre school years but... I gave up my career for it which makes me sad. It was too long really to go back into the workplace so although I work again now, I don't really enjoy it, I miss my career and I will never earn good money again. However we had no family to help and I wonder if that'd been an option would I have done things differently.

If my kids have children I want to be that grandparent who can help with childcare or at least help with school runs/after school to allow my kids and their future partners to return to work if they want to whilst having family to help.

I think it is better but there are lots of buts.
It's only better if the mum has the will and resources and isn't overwhelmed with additional issues like SEN or significantly disabilities. Under many conditions like this mum just needs a break. Having that break is better for everyone.
Some mum's may struggle, not enjoy it and that isn't good for anyone either.

Yes, you pay for the privilege.

A well run nursery has regular activities and an outside space when the weather is good.

Most have an outdoor play area.
I’ve not encountered one that doesn’t.

It’s the variety of excursions every day that impressed me.

It can be every day. The one I used had a local park just around the corner, so that is an easy outing.

I can and I am pretty well adjusted and adore DMum (who went back when I was four weeks old because she was self employed). I have no concerns about the excellent childminder who has had DSs from 9 months (and still does wrap around as needed now DS1 is 12).

I think the best thing is: home until two years, then 2 or 3 mornings of nursery between the ages of two and three, going up to school term time hours (9-3.30ish) in a nursery for three days a week, until reception.

The middle class people that I know have negotiated careers where mum works three days a week, dad works four, and a grandparent takes the remaining two days. The people that I know who work shifts do similar, with a mix of mum, dad, grandparents and nursery slotting in to give a child time at home.

I didn't do this with my own DC, who went to nursery from 1.5 years old, two days a week. I think it was too early and the days too long for his age, and I regret my choice. From 2.5 he went to nursery three days a week, with one day at home with me and one day at home with dad, that was perfect.

I suppose it depends on proximity to a park / playground. In my experience nursery excursions were more like a trip to the aquarium etc. More of an ‘event’.

I think the children themselves get the most out of nursery once they are 3 years and above. This is the stage they love being with their peers and playing with them. Between babyhood and three they do make friends but they often struggle with being in a peer environment where they are fighting to share, biting and scratching one another and find it hard to leave their parents. They much prefer one to one adult attention until they reach 3yo which they would get at home with parents or grandparents.

I think as a society we should make it easier to there to be a choice for a parent to be at home with their children, especially under 3yo.

I saw this yesterday on that thread

How the heck are women supposed to work and keep their autonomy without sending their child to daycare?!??

I think as a society we should make it easier to there to be a choice for a parent to be at home with their children, especially under 3yo.

^

Ok...so how will we pay for that?? The employer?

Or let me guess, women will be at a deficit whilst the menz go out working, contributing to their pensions, accruing experience etc etc