I think I'm too odd to find a partner

[VeryOddBall]

I'm almost divorced. Just thinking ahead to what it will be like to date again. I'm 40. I don't meet new people in my personal life despite having an active life. So I imagine the only realistic way to meet someone is online.

I'm neurodivergent, mixed race, have two kids and don't want to be a step mum mainly as don't want my kids to have to share their living space with anyone...they are 5 and 7. I feel like I won't meet someone who is understanding of my ND traits, and is willing to understands my cultural background and my weird extended family.

Should I just accept the single life?

Please don't respond if you're going to say there's nothing unusual about you and it's all in my head.

There are all sorts of people out there! Online dating will at least broaden the people you come across so there's more likelihood of meeting someone who's a good match.

I'm not going to pretend it's easy or instant, but there will be someone out there for you.

I don’t think you should write yourself off at all! Online dating is a pretty standard way to meet someone nowadays and if you did want to pursue this, you could do so on your own terms. Saying that if you’re happily single then that’s great, but I don’t think the reasons you listed will make you permanently single for life…unless you want to be!

What are your ND traits and what is weird about your extended family / cultural background?

I ask because I’m similar in that also ND, also mixed ethnicity, and have a weird extended family, however I’ve learned that I tend to overemphasise my ‘weirdness’ and that other people are weird as well, NT included. There’s nothing wrong with being ND, being mixed ethnicity, or having an unusual family background. These things just make you you. I know they make us feel less normal but what even is normal? It comes down to self-acceptance.

I agree with this, be mindful not to self sabotage - by saying / believing you will never meet anyone, this can subconsciously impact behaviour and choices which can lead to that not happening. We are all weird and flawed, in our own ways. But you will have unique traits and positive attributes too.

Weird can be wonderful :) don't write yourself off!!!! X

OP, you may be right that you might be 'too odd' to find a conventional date. But if you are happy to date neurodivergent people, then you probably aren't.

DS2 is autistic and disabled. He had no luck trying conventional dates. then he went online and was totally honest about who he is and what he looks like. He has had a number of relationships ever since, and has just moved in with his current girlfriend of 18 months.

You could write a short precise description of who you are and what you are looking for on a couple of OLD sites and see what happens.

Totally agree.

There may be lots of options, though it won't be easy. But it's important to enjoy single life too - get on with the things you want to do. If someone else comes along while you're enjoying yourself, then all well, and if not, you're doing things you enjoy anyway.

Too old at 40?! Absolutely not!

If you don’t want to find anything right now then enjoy being single, enjoy being your own person & in your own bubble, until you’re ready to share yourself with someone again. I wouldn’t let putting the fact you’re ND & mixed race, have kids ect off the fact of you being with someone if that’s what you want in the future.

My dad had a 9 year relationship with a woman & they both had young children & never moved in together & it worked out really well. I was 6/7 at the time & my brother must have been about 4. She had 4 kids from 4 -10 & they made it work. My dad always said he enjoyed them having their own homes & it worked for them.

Love has no boundaries!

Quirky is all the rage I believe.

I've given up as I found it too tiring. I was widowed at 40. Like you, I have an active life but I don't meet eligible men. I did the apps for a bit. I had no problem getting dates, and I had some nice times, but I find endlessly meeting strangers and explaining my peculiar self and unusual life to them just absolutely exhausting.

I wish it was like the old days where you fell into bed with someone from work or a friend of a friend and one day realised you didn't want them to go home. I just don't typically fancy strangers!

I'm very similar to you, ND, an unusual cultural background, and my family situation is beyond complicated, throw in quite a bit of trauma and PTSD too, met my partner at 40, I don't want to be a step mum so we haven't moved in together, his child is now an adult so, 5 years on we are now talking about it.

If you're out lots then you will meet people, you just wouldn't have noticed potential dates because you were married.

Some really good points raised here. We all have our quirks and in middle life, we've all experienced different things that have shaped us.

I think the great thing about being a bit older is self acceptance and being over trying to mask our weirdness and quirks for other people.

As for families, I'm yet to meet a 'normal' or perfect one.

I'm in a similar situation and also mixed race and autistic, it wouldn't occur to me to think those things made me odd and I actually find it quite offensive you're describing it that way. Unless there's additional information you're leaving out.

She's talking about herself, not you, though, @allthatfalafel .

I think we need to give people space to describe their own feelings about their own experience in their own thread.

I was thinking that. There’s nothing there that makes the op any more quirky or ‘odd’ than any other person. I think the main struggle really is possibly finding someone of a similar age who doesn’t have or want children. It’s something she’d have to be upfront with straight away, and I’d find it very hypocritical for someone with 2 children to judge me for having children myself. Saying that there’s probably plenty of men out there that either don’t want their own children, or perhaps an older man with adult children that won’t be expected to really blend with a younger family

I'm ND, a bit different than other people and have what most people consider to be an unusual lifestyle and I found someone.

There's nothing about you that I would say would mean you'd never find a partner if that's what you want.

Help me understand what to say to someone who says, "Don't tell me these normal things are normal." I genuinely don't get the point of this thread.

I was where they are, thinking I’m hopelessly weird compared to other people. It took people telling me (some not so nicely!) that I wasn’t that special 🤣 It didn’t sink in straight away but it has now. Also probably the anti-anxiety medication I’ve since gone on has worked wonders!

I am 53 and I met my boyfriend 3.5 years ago now. You’re actually never to old.

Op thinks she's too odd, not too old.

There's someone for everyone! What one person might find odd, someone else might find attractive/endearing. Good luck!

Yes good point I don't want to go into it feeling like I'm inferior...as that will only lead to unhealthy relationship.

Yeah I think when I used to date when I was younger I was excellent at masking. And I look conventionaly pleasant and with an exotic twist. On some level I know I should be myself more when I date as what's the point in letting them be attracted to something I can't maintain but it also feels so daunting and exposing to unmask. And I don't just been unmask my ND traits but my values and just myself in general.

Sorry to offend. Of course there's loads of details that I've missed out.