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Original poster

I think I'm too odd to find a partner

40 replies

VeryOddBall · 07/12/2024 11:13

I'm almost divorced. Just thinking ahead to what it will be like to date again. I'm 40. I don't meet new people in my personal life despite having an active life. So I imagine the only realistic way to meet someone is online.

I'm neurodivergent, mixed race, have two kids and don't want to be a step mum mainly as don't want my kids to have to share their living space with anyone...they are 5 and 7. I feel like I won't meet someone who is understanding of my ND traits, and is willing to understands my cultural background and my weird extended family.

Should I just accept the single life?

Please don't respond if you're going to say there's nothing unusual about you and it's all in my head.

OP posts:
TheBeesKnee · 07/12/2024 18:20

Dating someone doesn't have to mean becoming a step mum! You can easily date and live separately for years and take zero responsibility for someone else's children.

You never know until you try; I'd also say don't lead with the "negatives" when getting to know someone as it's quite off putting. Let them get to know the real you :)

Original poster
VeryOddBall · 07/12/2024 18:20

allthatfalafel · 07/12/2024 12:58

Help me understand what to say to someone who says, "Don't tell me these normal things are normal." I genuinely don't get the point of this thread.

Edited
Show quote history

You've missed quoted me there anyway.

OP posts:
Original poster
VeryOddBall · 07/12/2024 18:21

TheBeesKnee · 07/12/2024 18:20

Dating someone doesn't have to mean becoming a step mum! You can easily date and live separately for years and take zero responsibility for someone else's children.

You never know until you try; I'd also say don't lead with the "negatives" when getting to know someone as it's quite off putting. Let them get to know the real you :)

Yeah...when I say I don't want to be a step mum I mean I don't want to live with a man and his children....for the sake of my own children.

I would be open to being with someone who has kids though.

OP posts:

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Dating General relationships
CatNight · 07/12/2024 18:31

VeryOddBall · 07/12/2024 18:16

Yeah I think when I used to date when I was younger I was excellent at masking. And I look conventionaly pleasant and with an exotic twist. On some level I know I should be myself more when I date as what's the point in letting them be attracted to something I can't maintain but it also feels so daunting and exposing to unmask. And I don't just been unmask my ND traits but my values and just myself in general.

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Honestly I could have written this myself. The issue is that you’re not comfortable with who you are. You feel you have to put on a pretence and match who they are, which is suffocating and not sustainable. Who you are, what you believe in, your quirks, your likes/dislikes are just as important as theirs are. Until you genuinely feel this you will struggle with dating because you will constantly be fighting masking and people pleasing with the desire to be your genuine self. I’m not saying it’s easy, but it is possible and I believe the only way to have a fulfilling and equal relationship. You may come across a lot of people who you don’t gel with, and that’s ok. It doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you. It just means they weren’t right for you, and vice versa. To thine own self be true!

Original poster
VeryOddBall · 07/12/2024 18:32

CatNight · 07/12/2024 11:20

What are your ND traits and what is weird about your extended family / cultural background?

I ask because I’m similar in that also ND, also mixed ethnicity, and have a weird extended family, however I’ve learned that I tend to overemphasise my ‘weirdness’ and that other people are weird as well, NT included. There’s nothing wrong with being ND, being mixed ethnicity, or having an unusual family background. These things just make you you. I know they make us feel less normal but what even is normal? It comes down to self-acceptance.

My ND traits- struggle with eye contact. I need to be really calm and settled before I can talk openly. Like my STBX used to get frustrated with me as he couldn't get anything out of me when he would arrive home and ask me how I am,I would be rabbit in the headlights. Ask me later on once kids are in bed then I can talk but then he didn't want to. It sounds like such a non issue when I write that down but it was a significant problem in our relationship as we struggled to communicate with eachother.

That's just a couple of examples there are many more.

Cultural - my Dad is white from St Lucia and my Mum is Libyian. They are both ND with not formal diagnosis and very unselfaware. They are both strong Christians. Don't drink don't have a social life out of church.

My older sister in autistic and lives in my view totally inappropriate accommodation in Libya in a nursing home. If she was here she would be in sheltered accommodation that doesn't exist there. Anyway my parents can't financially support her there for much longer so she will need to come here but doesn't want to. At some point I can tell that I will be roped in to support that move.

OP posts:
Original poster
VeryOddBall · 07/12/2024 18:37

CatNight · 07/12/2024 18:31

Honestly I could have written this myself. The issue is that you’re not comfortable with who you are. You feel you have to put on a pretence and match who they are, which is suffocating and not sustainable. Who you are, what you believe in, your quirks, your likes/dislikes are just as important as theirs are. Until you genuinely feel this you will struggle with dating because you will constantly be fighting masking and people pleasing with the desire to be your genuine self. I’m not saying it’s easy, but it is possible and I believe the only way to have a fulfilling and equal relationship. You may come across a lot of people who you don’t gel with, and that’s ok. It doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you. It just means they weren’t right for you, and vice versa. To thine own self be true!

Show quote history

It's very difficult to be self accepting when I feel so different to everyone around me. Like I think about NT people who are white British with white British NT parents and I am jealous of how easy I think they must fit in with others, since that's what the majority of the people around them are. I just can't relate to them or people around me like that.

I feel like I will get flamed for saying that. I know I'm am oversimplifying but it's how I feel when I'm feeling negative about myself.

OP posts:
LlynTegid · 07/12/2024 18:41

A relationship does not necessarily mean living under the same roof. I have known two people who have had long term relationships where their time together is things such as theatre, holidays, days out, not co-habiting.

Dobest · 07/12/2024 18:48

Is "mixed race" really a disadvantage?

CatNight · 07/12/2024 18:50

Same with the ultra-religious parents. My brother (ADHD) was completely off the rails and died early from drug complications and my sister is…well, a very long story. She also has ADHD. I am Autistic. It took me a long time to separate my identity from that of my family. I used to feel a lot of embarrassment because honestly I grew up in a very strange environment, compared to others. But that’s not really on me, is it? They’re them and they’re free to be themselves, I’m free to be myself.

I hope you can find peace with who you are. The right person will accept you and cherish the things that are unique to you, and be understanding of them.

And regarding your update, I’m also not white British, half white and half something else (don’t want to be too outing), and definitely don’t pass for white. Parents also ND but don’t ‘believe’ in it (ok….). Definitely other people think I’m ‘weird’ but then I think they’re weird as well? So why is their opinion more important than my own. It isn’t.

My first marriage was emotionally / psychologically abusive. I was very much in a massive people-pleasing mode, had no idea of who I really was, didn’t even know I was autistic back then. I’ve had to do a lot of work on myself since then, including going on anxiety meds (are you on any? I’m on fluoxetine and it has been life changing). I’m now in a healthy relationship where I’m free to be myself and it’s wonderful. However I know if I were to be thrown back into the dating pool it would be a minefield, as you are experiencing or expecting. But honestly the key is to value who you are as an individual. Your self esteem sounds very low but I know there is someone who will treasure the things you dislike about yourself. Keep your standards up and don’t succumb to what a man wants over what you want. Hope I haven’t sounded too preachy, I honestly wish the best for you.

didistutter56 · 07/12/2024 18:51

If you’re open to dating again, I don’t see any reason here why you shouldn’t! I was a little younger (30) when DD dad and I separated and I started online dating (with a good gap, obviously). I wanted someone who didn’t have children even though I have one, was vegan, was open to accepting of my lifestyle (very into the occult, spiritual things etc), particular type of music.. I found someone perfect for me! We’re still together and very happy 6 years later.

Alibababandthe40sheets · 07/12/2024 18:54

CatNight · 07/12/2024 11:20

What are your ND traits and what is weird about your extended family / cultural background?

I ask because I’m similar in that also ND, also mixed ethnicity, and have a weird extended family, however I’ve learned that I tend to overemphasise my ‘weirdness’ and that other people are weird as well, NT included. There’s nothing wrong with being ND, being mixed ethnicity, or having an unusual family background. These things just make you you. I know they make us feel less normal but what even is normal? It comes down to self-acceptance.

Brilliant advice, very well said.

Prescottdanni123 · 07/12/2024 19:05

You are definitely not too old to find a partner. I know of people who met in their seventies and got married. But do you want to be in a relationship or do you just think that you should want?

Original poster
VeryOddBall · 07/12/2024 19:31

Dobest · 07/12/2024 18:48

Is "mixed race" really a disadvantage?

Not in itself no. But it would help if my future partner was willing to understand that my values have been influenced by two other cultures. And the issues with my sister being abroad even though she's not from there is a result of us having three different countries in the mix. Born in one and moved to the other two and will likely have to move back here against her will.

OP posts:
Original poster
VeryOddBall · 07/12/2024 19:31

Prescottdanni123 · 07/12/2024 19:05

You are definitely not too old to find a partner. I know of people who met in their seventies and got married. But do you want to be in a relationship or do you just think that you should want?

Odd not old.

OP posts:
Original poster
VeryOddBall · 07/12/2024 19:34

CatNight · 07/12/2024 18:50

Same with the ultra-religious parents. My brother (ADHD) was completely off the rails and died early from drug complications and my sister is…well, a very long story. She also has ADHD. I am Autistic. It took me a long time to separate my identity from that of my family. I used to feel a lot of embarrassment because honestly I grew up in a very strange environment, compared to others. But that’s not really on me, is it? They’re them and they’re free to be themselves, I’m free to be myself.

I hope you can find peace with who you are. The right person will accept you and cherish the things that are unique to you, and be understanding of them.

And regarding your update, I’m also not white British, half white and half something else (don’t want to be too outing), and definitely don’t pass for white. Parents also ND but don’t ‘believe’ in it (ok….). Definitely other people think I’m ‘weird’ but then I think they’re weird as well? So why is their opinion more important than my own. It isn’t.

My first marriage was emotionally / psychologically abusive. I was very much in a massive people-pleasing mode, had no idea of who I really was, didn’t even know I was autistic back then. I’ve had to do a lot of work on myself since then, including going on anxiety meds (are you on any? I’m on fluoxetine and it has been life changing). I’m now in a healthy relationship where I’m free to be myself and it’s wonderful. However I know if I were to be thrown back into the dating pool it would be a minefield, as you are experiencing or expecting. But honestly the key is to value who you are as an individual. Your self esteem sounds very low but I know there is someone who will treasure the things you dislike about yourself. Keep your standards up and don’t succumb to what a man wants over what you want. Hope I haven’t sounded too preachy, I honestly wish the best for you.

Thank you so much. I relate to so much if what you said. I really appreciate your advice. (Not preachy at all)

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