2nd Gen British Asian & Out of place

[Youtani]

Is anyone here a child of immigrant parents who has tried hard to integrate but still feels out of place at times?

I grew up with parents who really tried hard to instil their culture and religion in their children. I’ve moved away from a lot of that now but I still feel like I’m often on the edge of British society. This mostly happens where there are conversations happening around me about topics that never really featured in my childhood such as tv, music, films, sport, alcohol, food. I suppose some of that “space” was filled with things from our heritage culture that a British person couldn't relate to. I have learnt a few bits and pieces now but I feel like I can never make up for the many years of immersion in this stuff that my peers had that I missed out on. I see people around me talking about the plots of films that they all seemed to know from their childhood whilst I sit there feeling totally clueless. Sometimes I think I should try to learn more about these things in order to try to fit in but it also feels a little inauthentic. Does anyone else feel this way at all?

My partner is a second generation British Asian. I find his stories about his childhood far more interesting than my boring white British childhood. Please don’t feel you have to pretend to be something you’re not!

I am..I see it as an advantage that I can make cheap and lovely veggie food but I can also discuss Dr Who.
I don't try hard to fit in. I can be betwixt and between. No need to have a label.

I think you need to ask yourself why it's so important to you to feel you had the same childhood as other people? I was an immigrant in the UK myself for nearly a quarter of a century, and had had a completely different childhood to most of the people I knew, but I never felt it was a problem. Even back in my home country, I certainly don't share a lot of childhood commonalities in terms of the stuff you mention with my friends.

Maybe widen your circles?

We don't need to know the plot of every British film or TV show to integrate. I dont like Bollywood or cricket, but I also don't eat meat and I dislike pubs. So what really? We are all individuals.

@Wistfuller I think it’s important because that’s how you connect with people around you. If I’m part of conversations where I have very little to contribute because the things people are talking about are alien and unfamiliar to me I feel disconnected. Is that not normal?

I suppose I didn't connect over childhood TV programmes, alcohol, sport or food because I had different ones, or none. (My parents were teetotal. We only got a TV or a phone when I was 15.) If anything, the differences interest me. I don't regard connecting with other people as trying to go undercover and pretend I had a similar early life to them when I didn't.

You are a 'third culture kid' - the way you feel is common and normal and there are both benefits and downsides - there's a lot written about it. Always feeling slightly different is one of the downsides, but on the upside you have rich life experiences that people of a single culture don't - you might find you have a lot more in common with other 'third culture kids' from various places..

I dont always fit in with the British Asian community either. They have many values and interests I don't share.
I have moved around a bit too.
I have reframed " alien" and " disconnected" as " adaptable" and "open minded".

I think I get what you mean, I don't fit in my 'home' culture as I don't watch bollywood films, can't eat hugely spicy food, wouldn't take my kids out of school for a religious festival. I don't drink, am not into pub culture, football, outdoorsy stuff (I know i have rolled out very stereotypical ideas of asian and British culture) . It means I sometimes don't have a common point of reference with others.

I think that's fair, and a useful way of approaching things. I've moved around a lot, too, and I am adaptable and interested in new environments (probably not accidental that I pick up languages well), while acknowledging that I'm a better fit in some places than in others. The last place I lived in England wasn't a happy experience.

Forgot to say, give those 1980s blockbuster films a go. ET will give you a lump in your throat. Jaws is something else.

@wizzywig Thank you. It sounds like you do know what I mean.

@Higgledypiggledy864 Yes you’re right I do feel more connected with people that are third culture kids and you’re right that it doesn’t even have to be people from the same background. I guess maybe that’s because some of them also feel a bit on the outside and have some of these gaps in knowledge/understanding. Im so grateful for the things I have gained from my parents culture but I really wish I didn’t feel like an outsider either.

I'm one too and it can definitely be a bit crap sometimes!! I grew up abroad and the amount of subtlety in British culture that I just don't get is maddening! I've accepted now that I'll never 'fit in'. I would say that sometimes bringing people into your 'world' rather than trying to fit in to theirs can feel a bit more comfortable!

@Higgledypiggledy864 Thank you for acknowledging that it’s hard ❤️ and pointing me what this is about. I’m going to start reading about third culture kids.

I do try to share bits of my own life but whilst they definitely do exist I feel that the people who are interested and curious are few and far between. For the most part I feel like it makes people a little uncomfortable, in the way that I guess I feel when I’m faced with something that’s unfamiliar to me that I don’t know how to respond to.

Every time I come across something new I try to learn about it after but I probably know deep down that’s it’s unlikely I will ever get to a place where I fit in, so I guess I need to work on acceptance like you have. I do wish there was a guide sometimes but even if there was I think there’s no replacement for having actually lived it.

I completely understand what you are saying. However, nothing at this point is going to change how you were brought up. You don't say how old you are OP and I think that might matter as, generally, as you get older, you feel more comfortable in your own skin.

I have a strong suspicion that there a quite a few in your group of peers that feel they don't really fit in for a variety of reasons even if they've got some similar cultural references. At different times of our lives and in different situations there are times when each of us will feel they don't fit in.

I would say to you that if people in a group are very similar, it isn't actually a very interesting group. It is often our differences that make for an interesting conversation. You don't need to be the same as the rest of the group. You just need to be yourself and a decent person. Focus more on individual relationships than being 'part of the gang'.

Maybe you could look at getting involved in some peer groups that are all focussed on something you like or where everyone is learning something new together?

@ForPearlViper I’m knocking on 40. I do appreciate the point about differences making things more interesting. I have come across people in life who really do take an interest in these differences. I think this is slightly different though. In order to know what it’s like I think you probably need to have been in situations multiple times where everyone around you seems to be able to connect on certain topics but you are the only one who can’t. I don’t know how common that experience is? I have a friend who grew up in working class but is now very solidly middle class and I think she feels it at times. I imagine though that the vast majority of people do not have to navigate different worlds.

I feel like this OP, though I am white British, but my parents were from very different class / cultural backgrounds to each other, and I don't fit into either of these groups. I can fit in, and talk the talk at gatherings etc, but it's not real, deep down. I always feel like an outsider. A lot of this can be down to personality too though—some people are just life's observers.

Funnily enough, a good friend of mine who was born in Soviet Eastern Europe, and is now married to a 2nd generation Asian German, is catching up on what he considers to be essential Western 90s / 00s movies. This was prompted by her not knowing any of his references to e.g. Lord of the Rings.

I don’t really fit in anywhere, not with 2nd gen asians either a lot of the time. I’m ok with that because I am who I am. I think a lot of people who have “moved” into different environments feel the same. I imagine there are working class people who have moved into high earning groups that can’t connect with people talking about going on skiing holidays when they were kids etc. I think it’s normal for a lot of people.

I never speak about my childhood for good reason so it’s never been a point of connection for me. I talk about whats happening now. Most people aren’t choosing friends on the basis of that persons childhood. Just own it and say “no we never did that”, I think people enjoy sharing some nostalgic memories but they are also often interested in novel things too.

@MrTwatchester Interesting that you feel the same! I have wondered if it’s a personality thing but the truth is in the right environments I’m not an observer. If it’s a topic I have an interest in and know something about I’m always keen to contribute.

If you can talk the talk though I wonder what makes it feel not real? Is it because you have just learnt about things that you have little real interest in? That’s my worry with putting in the effort. I was recently listening to a group talking about The Beatles who I know very little about. Afterwards I tried to read up about them and listen to some songs but I honestly have very little genuine interest in them.

@Youtani i don't know anything about the Beatles. Lots of people don't.

I don't mean to be dismissive. It's just we all feel this sometimes. My background is very mixed but I suppose different as I was raised by parents fully integrated. I don't know if that's what makes the difference.

I met someone who was raised in the same bit of Essex, same age, moved to same bit of London at the same time, went to the same nightclubs etc. I was absolutely charmed by all this and really wanted to get to know them better as it felt like a massive connection to me. Apparently they didn't feel the same 😂

I know what other things make me feel connected but tbh if I don't know what people are on about, I don't think much about it. Beatles and Lord of the Rings and Star Trek and Christmas films are on that list. I just sit and listen.

I think anyone from a mixed background or who moves about often feels between worlds. I often feel i don't belong anywhere.

It's a strange one.
I grew up with lots of white British friends, as well as Asian, read lots of books, seen all the popular references films and tv, and I still never feel "in place" anywhere.
I love my culture and identity but I'm not religious, I don't watch Bollywood or any south Asian tv, though I do like some music.
I feel lucky that my closest friends are similar to me and that means so much.

@MrTwatchester i am also white British and have similar feelings due to being raised by a very controlling parent who didn’t approve of anything common or relating to pop culture.
I remember distinctly the feelings of being at school and kids talking about things like watching Gladiators or The Big breakfast, knowing gossip about celebs and footballers from the tabloids and having no idea what they were on about.
There are loads of “classic” movies I’ve never seen but tbh they don’t really appeal to me anyway… people can never believe it when you say you’ve never seen Star Wars or a James Bond film before!
I was diagnosed with autism at age 30 so I thought maybe that explains the feeling like an outsider but I don’t even connect with many other autistic people. I went to a group for women with autism and they were all gamers and into Manga and marvel movies.
i had no idea what they were talking about.

edited to add that two of my friends at primary school were girls from Asian backgrounds, I guess we all felt different for our own reasons.

I didn't mean to be dismissive of you, OP. It's just that I am in my 50s and got used to this not belonging feeling. I have decided it is advantageous to move between two worlds and take the best from both.

I'm British born but lived abroad for a time so "missed out" on a period of time so I do know what you mean by missing cultural references etc however those conversations are a minority in my life. I also think you cannot underestimate how interested people are in the cultures and upbringings of others, I would be far more interested in hearing about your upbringing than film plots or kids programmes of the 1980's. Please feel proud of your differences they are what makes you you! We are all unique and amazing