Tell us a joke...

[fanaticalfairy]

I'll start.

Why does Edward Woodward have 4 D's in his name...?
...if he didn't, he'd be called Ewar Woowar...

Why did the scarecrow win an award?
Because he was outstanding in his field.

What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear.

What do you call a French sandal-maker?

Philippe Phelloppe.

I was delivering a huge roll of bubble wrap the other day - the receptionist told me to pop it in the corner. It took me about 4 hours but I think I got it all!

How do you titillate an ocelot?

You oscillate it's tit a lot.

Why did the baker have brown hands ?

Because he kneaded a poo

I went to a Indian restaurant last night. After I had ordered, a little old lady came to me and said, "Aren't you polite. You have such lovely manners."

Apparently, it was my complimentary nan

I failed RE. Couldn’t believe it when I found out. I was like: “Oh Jason Christ!”

My two favourite jokes:

Q: What's the difference between a Scottish shepherd and a Rolling Stones song?

A: One says "Hey you! Get off of my cloud!" and the other says "Hey McCloud! Get off of my ewe!"

"That Bond villain actor was in here drunk last night," the pub landlord said.

"Xavier Bardem?"

"No, he can come back whenever he likes".

I was going to sail around the globe in the world’s smallest ship but I bottled it...

This works as a spoken joke more than written down but anyway.

"I paid £500 to rent a limo, and then I realised it didn't come with the driver. I've spent all that money and have nothing to show for (chauffeur) it"

Did you hear about the magical tractor?
It turned into a field

My mates keep slagging me off about my new girlfriend. They say I made her up, she's not even real. I'm getting really sick of it all to be honest.

Well, the jokes on them as they aren't real either...

How do you tell the difference between a Stoat and a weasel?

A weasel is weaselly recognised, while a Stoat is stoatally different!

Which pain killer is the most ambitious?
Aspirin'

Why are there no painkillers in the jungle?
The parrots et em all...

How do you make a tissue dance?

Put a little boogie in it.

I've decided to form a choir this Christmas. You're welcome to come and join me and my friends. So far it's just Dean, Don, Mary, Lee and I.

Wtf! Are you generally racist in real life?

Man goes into the doctors.
"Doctor doctor, this is embarrassing but...I have five penises."

'My goodness' says the doctor "How on earth do your trousers fit?"

"Like a glove"

Are you generally that daft in real life?

His hands were brown because they were covered in shit, not because he has brown skin 🙄

@Maryofscots think you've possibly kissed the joke there that most 10 year olds understand ...

*missed

Who cares about Roman numerals?

I, for one 😁

I can't remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6 and 500 in Roman numerals.

I M LIVID

@Maryofscots I hope that was your attempt at a joke 😆