Children's personalities as adults?

[sadiebelles]

Is the personality of a 19 year old fundamentally who they will be forever?

At what age do you think your children's core traits were set?

What kind of age did they develop a reciprocal relationship with you if ever?

Yes I would agree that I could see their personalities by five and they have not really changed much now they are in their 20’s and 30’s. I have one perfectionist and one who is too kind.

What has changed is possibly that they don’t take me for granted quite so much. So the perfectionist will hunt down the ideal Christmas present and the kind one will shower me with presents.

@Garlicwest on the other side, there are some amazing studies on Tibetan monks that have spent 1000s of hours meditating.
They found some clear difference in their brain. An ability to feel compassion that most people do not have.

Its their work as adults that made that difference - changing their ‘temperament’ and their brains as adults.

@sadiebelles id agree with your therapist re accepting them as they are.

Youve tried your best as a parent. Don’t beat yourself up or feel guilty you couldn’t read the future and know the outcome would be this or that.

The reality is that, as much as I believe some traits are there right from the start, adults also do have agency. They can chose what’s important to them. They can choose to be caring or become a better listener or not go into rages etc….
Whatever has happened in childhood is a reason but not an excuse.

eg (hopefully extreme vs your experience with your dc)
My dad had an abusive childhood. I’d say both his parents were narcissists. And certainly both of them were awful. My dad has developed PTSD, which has never been treated.
The result is that he has always flown off the handle for no reason at all. Screaming, threatening.
His childhood is a reason. It’s not an excuse. He could have had therapy, used ADs, get regular acupuncture treatments (he found them extremely helpful but never used that unless desperate), etc etc….
But he didn’t. His childhood sort of set up the background. Certainly made things harder for him. But after that, he made the choice to not get treatments. He made the choice to try and avoid the outbursts. Becoming an adult is also taking full responsibility for who you are.

@ThereIsALifeOutThere

That's a very kind and interesting reply. Thankyou.

@Fairyliz

Glad they treat you well.

@WifeOfMacbeth

Thankyou. What you've observed is interesting.

@HPandthelastwish

I modelled kindness and consideration etc but didn't pull them up enough when I didn't get it in return.

Thankyou for your reply.

@Garlicwest

Thankyou for your supportive reply.

@CandleStub

@Beautifulweeds

Thankyou.

My Grandaughter at 13,14,15 was so unkind , aggressive , mean ,uncooperative, hated everyone and school but now at 18 she’s become far more likeable , very kind to others and so generous , she’s come out the other side and I’m so relieved , I seriously worried she had a personality disorder, so yes people can change and develop, thank god!