Children's personalities as adults?

[sadiebelles]

Is the personality of a 19 year old fundamentally who they will be forever?

At what age do you think your children's core traits were set?

What kind of age did they develop a reciprocal relationship with you if ever?

My dcs are still early 20s. But if I look at them and myself, I think there are personality trait that stay the same.

Like dc1 has always been a leader. He still is and can’t imagine this will change (but hopefully it will soften a bit more)
Ive always been extremely good at listening and having people open up to me as a teen. Still the case now as a 50+ yo

This doesn’t mean we stay the same. But I believe the core of us stays quite similar.

I have young DC so cannot comment on them. But I believe people can change throughout their lives depending on their personality type (some people are more fixed and rigid; others more flexible), life events, maturity level, interests, exposure to different cultures / ways of living, exposure to trauma, reasons for and motivation for change. Relationships can change too but it tends to require change from both parties to shift a particular dynamic. Rarely are things ever set in stone. I’m a psychologist so I work with lots of people over the lifespan.

Perhaps the 'other child' was reacting to your judgement of his lack of planning abilities and motivation.

It Can be really hard to separate nature vs nurture.

Is it simeine being simply unkind and uncaring, quite selfish and self centred in their approach.
Or someone who was never taught to appreciate their parents or to not take what they have for granted?

Either way, how do you think it would help you @sadiebelles to know if it’s about the way you reacted/react or of it’s about their personality agd who they are?

Certain things in my personality haven't changed at all. Shy, introverted, very impulsive, quite stubborn.

Other parts have totally changed, much more cautious and less care free which I hate. I handle relationships much better, less selfish, apologise when in the wrong, less argumentative etc, which I suppose is just maturing?

@ISeriouslyDoubtIt

Thankyou for your reply.

Is it painful for you that you don't have the same close relationship with both children?

@museumum

If there had been a crisis would you have helped with of them or ignored it?

@ThereIsALifeOutThere

I'm trying to understand how things have got to this point. They aren't like me and didn't follow my example. I definitely wish I'd focused on their lack of empathy etc.

I'm having counselling and the therapist says all I can do is accept how things are. I'm trying to do the work to get to that point.

In my family, we have (different generations):

A high performer who is motivated by insecurity;
An angry person who cares too much about what people think of them;
The sweet, loveable person who was clearly the baby of the family;
A natural teacher whom you'd guess was the eldest;
Two extremely high-achieving neurotics;
Someone who constantly changes, fascinates everyone they meet;
A studious, brainy type who is quietly witty;
A bull in a china shop with a heart of gold;
The quirky one who always gets what they want.

The only characteristic that didn't show in early childhood was the neuroticism - but both kids were obsessively making checklists and organising their things by the age of 8!

These are obviously thumbnails - all have rounded off, developed more character aspects as they grew up - but all are fundamentally the same people they were as children.

@Garlicwest

Reading these replies is definitely reinforcing that I should have worked on this issues instead of thinking my example and time would change them.

It's hard to say, @sadiebelles, and even harder to know at the time! I'm very sorry this relationship distresses you.

There are no time machines for anyone, so all we can do is figure out how to manage the situations we find ourselves in

@sadiebelles I'm sorry to hear that OP. How old are they now?

I guess some people are more predisposed to certain traits than others. Both positive and negative traits.

My older brother used to lie and be very sneaky as a kid. He had a really cunning streak in him and was a compulsive liar. It was bizarre if anything because no one else in the family is like that.
I remember my mother trying absolutely everything. She gave him positive male role models. Always praised him when he told the truth. Tried ignoring all lies. Tried confronting all lies. Every parenting method there was. This was from around aged 5 I think my mum said. Before I was even born.

He became more and more sneaky as a teenager and did some dreadful and spiteful things which do not align at all with anyone else in the family (taking my mum's valuables to the pawn shop once despite having ample pocket money and resources).

Anyways, when he got to his twenties he appeared to have grown out of it and all was well. My mum said she must've finally matured and grown out of it.

That was until we'd recently found out that he's been cheating on his wife for years. He's now in his late thirties. It appears has things have come out that over the course of his twenties and thirties he's continued his lying and sneaky ways both in work and his personal life. The man even has a fake name and job he uses in one of his double lives. In some lies he's an only child, in other lies he has 6 or 7 siblings that depends on him financially for support. He even framed a co worker for theft who lost their job as a result. You could do a netflix documentary about him, you really could!

Anyways. I've no idea why he does it. But when it all came out my mum thought back to him showing the same character traits as a small child. At aged 7 he once destroyed a class project but framed another child who was adamant it was my brother. All the teachers believed my brother as he was so believable plus evidence pointed to the other kid. So he blamed the other kid who got into deep trouble with both the school and his parents who were called in. My mum said she had a gut feeling it was my brother and the other kid had been framed. She felt bad for thinking it was him after he was so distraught for being blamed. Plus he was only 7 and what 7 year old could concoct a framing situation so efficiently with evidence and everything? My mum would've looked like a lunatic and really nasty blaming him.

Years later he was laughing about childhood memories and told my mum 'i remember when I was that kid got in massive shit for ruining the class project. Can't lie, it was me. But my god was it funny'

Absolutely chilling.

In the decades since I was 19 I've become far calmer, more confident, and more aware of my parents needs and wants.

My DSS is 23 and I can see he's moving along that track too. He had some quite difficult times mid late teens being quite self absorbed but he's delightful now - very mature and polite as are his friends. Still self absorbed really but not really gobby all about me anymore.

I think some personality traits are there from the very start. Not to say people don’t mature and change, but there are aspects of personality which are constant.

Intrinsic character traits don't generally change but maturity should. Once you've ventured out into the world and been independent then it changes you. I remember being a bit selfish and didn't realise how much did for me but after leaving home to go to university, when I came back during the hols I would be annoyed by the way my younger siblings didn't clean up after themselves. I realised and helped much more, cooked etc meanwhile nagging them to be more responsible! X

@ChicaChow

I hope it brings your mum some peace that she recognised what he was like and tried to change him.

I feel like I'm the same person in an older body. I don't feel like I've changed much, though I have matured like a good cheese.

@sadiebelles, I just wanted to check with you that you know some congenital disorders cause a reduced capacity for empathy and/or a reduced range of emotions? As with all things human, some people are born with significantly more or less of some characteristics than average, and it's nobody's fault.

People who have fewer emotions or lack empathy can learn how to live successfully within empathetic, emotional society. Getting there can be a real slog for some, however, and they may choose instead to find other ways to live.

You've been understandably vague about the person who worries you. If this is the kind of thing you're dealing with, it is NOT your fault. If they're still a child, you might try pushing for psychiatric support in hopes they can start learning how to balance their needs. If they're an adult who's chosen not to seek help, there's not much you can do except (if necessary for your safety & wellbeing) stay out of their way.

I would agree that general personal traits would remain, but the more mature version. So if they’re messy for example, it doesn’t mean they’ll be that same level of messy as adults. I gradually become tidier and tidier and really only became proper tidy until I had kids (to set a good example and have a peaceful home 😂). I’ve always been a bit square but sometimes ‘let loose’ - for the equivalent of my age.

No, because I still have a relationship with them and see them often. Does any parent have exactly the same type of relationship with all their children? They have also given me the greatest gift of a grandchild who is now 10 and with whom I have an absolutely wonderful relationship. Because of being on a public forum I have left out a whole lot of other factors which affected our relationship as adults.

I think there are different issues at play here.

As you grow and become independent and particularly once you become a parent you are better able to see things from your parents point of view, not butt heads as much as when all living under the same roof and see them as their own fallible humans.

I have a great relationship with my parents and we each give what we can to support each other, I drive so wouldn't think twice about picking something up for them or running them to an appointment as they can't drive any more. My dad has DIY skills I dont and will be round and up a ladder practically before I've put the phone down.

But, they modelled those behaviours growing up, they respect me and my boundaries. They have a different relationship with my brother who still lives at home because he needs a different relationship, I have always been more independent whereas he struggles with his MH and highly likely autistic and probably won't leave home.

DD is a teen, she is kind and caring, if I'm unwell she'll absolutely step up and look after me as I would her. She's autistic so sometimes you need to be explicit in what help is needed but she remembers for next time. Or if she goes to the shop or on a school trip she'll bring me back a treat as I would her from a work trip.

But I don't think those things have anything to do with your personality though, kindness and caring are a learnt skill and behaviours not innate which personality is.

My son changed a lot between his mid twenties and mid thirties. In a good way.

My older daughter has changed on one level, through becoming a parent. But she also still has characteristics that have been there since childhood- a tendency to attach herself to people who have very strong personalities.

With my younger daughter it's hard to tell. I think children grow away then come back again, and she is still at the 'away' point.

The brain is never done developing and building new connections.

That's true. However, the brain is fully formed in terms of pruning, myelinogenesis and neurocircuitry development by the early to mid twenties. The last part of the brain to get 'wired in' is the prefrontal cortex, which processes higher-level cognitive abilities such as planning, solving problems and decision-making. It is also important for cognitive control: the ability to suppress impulses in favour of more appropriate actions.

While there are always outliers in any direction, it would be fair to say most humans develop the ability to 'adult' properly in their early twenties. Also that younger people's brains have less capacity to assess situational subtleties or to carry out effective long-term planning, for instance.

It's quite likely that anyone who missed out any of the usual stages of brain development would end up quite impaired in the number and types of new connections they were able to form. There are no controlled studies on this for obvious reasons; we have to rely on observation of those who were severely neglected in infancy or who suffered brain damage as children.

@HPandthelastwish Personality is not innate.