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Original poster

13 DS given alcohol by DSIS

50 replies

Saveusernsme · 01/12/2024 00:26

I need some wider perspective on this situation.

During a large pre-Christmas family dinner this evening my DSIS and my BIL decided to buy my son (just turned 13) a bottle of beer. He drank some but left most of it. He has come home upset as he left like he was put in a difficult position as the older cousins (20s) were all joking about and encouraging him.

My DH and I had no idea this was going on. There were a lot of us and my DS was sat on another table with the other children.

It came to light when my DH spotted the beer on his table and my DSis tried to cover it up, which was near the end of the night.

We left with everyone else and then my DS told us exactly what happened in the car on the way home.

How would you deal with this? We feel let down by by DSIS but if I say anything I’ll be the problem maker. In my parents eyes, my DSis can do no wrong. I don’t feel I can’t trust them around my children if they thinks it’s appropriate to encourage him to have a drink, and hide it from us.

I feel a little lost as to how I best approach this, if at all? Am I blowing this out of proportion?

OP posts:
DuplicateUserName · 01/12/2024 00:30

She shouldn't have done it obviously.

But your son is thirteen.

He didn't have to drink it and if he wanted to try it, he could've just asked you or his dad.

When I first started reading it, I thought you were going to say you weren't actually there.

Dobbythechristmaself · 01/12/2024 00:33

Disagree with above poster. I’d be calling my DSis first thing in the morning and would be absolutely furious at her. My DS is 12 and actually pretty clued in and confident but would really be confused by a family member pushing alcohol on him. Honestly I’d probably struggle to speak to her for some time.

Lostworlds · 01/12/2024 00:35

I would be really annoyed if any of my siblings did this to my children.

I think this is a good chance to speak to your son about peer pressure and learning to trust his own gut. If he didn’t want to drink it then he needs to learn that it’s more than okay to say no. Also remind him if he wants to check something with you and his dad then he should feel confident to do it. Gently remind him that the cousins are all adults and were clearly in the wrong here to be pressuring him in anyway.
I would also remind him, he did the right thing telling you so make sure he feels like he isn’t getting into trouble.

I would absolutely bring this up to your sister and explain how annoyed you are. Personally I would find it hard to trust her around your children. I wouldn’t care if your parents favour her over this as she is definitely in the wrong.

Interested in this thread?

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Families
Original poster
Saveusernsme · 01/12/2024 00:35

That’s the thing, these are all trusted family members- uncles and cousins. He was confused and he didn’t want to cause a fuss. He didn’t really know how to handle it. He’s only 13 and not experienced this before.

OP posts:
romdowa · 01/12/2024 00:37

Sister would be getting the riot act tomorrow, I wouldn't care who it upsets when it comes to my kids. I'd also use this as a teaching moment for your child, teach them it's OK to say no and to walk away from a situation like that in future and to let you know ASAP.

Lostworlds · 01/12/2024 00:39

Absolutely okay for him not to know how to handle this, he’s a child and this is the first time he’s been put into a situation like this so it’s now a good time to learn from it.

Remind him he’s not done anything wrong and he shouldn’t feel worried at all. Talk about different things that it’s okay to say no to and remind him that he’s safe to talk to you about anything!

fourelementary · 01/12/2024 00:39

But at 13 that’s exactly the age to experience and understand peer pressure which was kind of happening from his cousins. And if he trusts them all he absolutely should have said no thanks… so explore why he wasn’t able to? You say confused- but by what? And how would it have been a fuss to say no to people he trusts and is close to?
This is a good learning opportunity for him but you need to be able to chat to him and not take all the responsibility off him and put it onto your sister.
Once you’ve spoken to DS by all means just drop her a message saying you’d prefer she didn’t buy alcohol and he was a bit upset feeling he was put on the spot by her. But it’s not a huge deal imo.

Original poster
Saveusernsme · 01/12/2024 00:39

Lostworlds · 01/12/2024 00:35

I would be really annoyed if any of my siblings did this to my children.

I think this is a good chance to speak to your son about peer pressure and learning to trust his own gut. If he didn’t want to drink it then he needs to learn that it’s more than okay to say no. Also remind him if he wants to check something with you and his dad then he should feel confident to do it. Gently remind him that the cousins are all adults and were clearly in the wrong here to be pressuring him in anyway.
I would also remind him, he did the right thing telling you so make sure he feels like he isn’t getting into trouble.

I would absolutely bring this up to your sister and explain how annoyed you are. Personally I would find it hard to trust her around your children. I wouldn’t care if your parents favour her over this as she is definitely in the wrong.

Edited

Thank you. We have spoken to him and said exactly what you’ve suggested regarding peer pressure, and not having to do anything he’s not comfortable doing. And also explained that if and when he decides he’d like to try a drink, he should absolutely come to us and we can chat. We’re a very open family so I think the whole thing just came out of the blue.

As an aside, my Dniece was also there. Exactly the same age as my DS yet they didn’t try to buy her a drink.

The sad thing is, he now realised tonight that the people he respected and are his family, don’t have his best interests at heart. That’s the biggest issue for him (and me).

OP posts:
DuplicateUserName · 01/12/2024 00:40

Saveusernsme · 01/12/2024 00:35

That’s the thing, these are all trusted family members- uncles and cousins. He was confused and he didn’t want to cause a fuss. He didn’t really know how to handle it. He’s only 13 and not experienced this before.

What was he confused about?

He knows he's too young for booze, and his mum and dad were on the next table, so if he did want to try it he only had to ask.

Unless he wanted to try it but knew you'd say no?

I'm absolutely not saying your sister was in the right here, because she 100% wasn't.

But let's remember he's 13 and not 3, so you need a word with him about not drinking until he's old enough.

Marblesbackagain · 01/12/2024 00:40

I would look to reporting it. She gave a child alcohol. I would absolutely look to where professional help could be got because it isn't normal to have a child alcohol it's abusive.

And really those blaming a 13 year old child for this is disgusting. Do you blame all children victims of abuse? This is abuse, not physical nor sexual but abuse.

Disgusting excuses of adults, they wouldn't be on my or my childs company again, scumbags so this.

fourelementary · 01/12/2024 00:41

A big lesson in more ways than one then - and absolutely he shouldn’t feel bad making a fuss when he is being pushed into something he is not happy to do. He sounds like a lovely soul but give him some encouragement and confidence to stick up for himself too and live out his values.

Marblesbackagain · 01/12/2024 00:42

fourelementary · 01/12/2024 00:39

But at 13 that’s exactly the age to experience and understand peer pressure which was kind of happening from his cousins. And if he trusts them all he absolutely should have said no thanks… so explore why he wasn’t able to? You say confused- but by what? And how would it have been a fuss to say no to people he trusts and is close to?
This is a good learning opportunity for him but you need to be able to chat to him and not take all the responsibility off him and put it onto your sister.
Once you’ve spoken to DS by all means just drop her a message saying you’d prefer she didn’t buy alcohol and he was a bit upset feeling he was put on the spot by her. But it’s not a huge deal imo.

Peers aren't his aunt and adult cousins!

DuplicateUserName · 01/12/2024 00:43

As an aside, my Dniece was also there. Exactly the same age as my DS yet they didn’t try to buy her a drink.

Perhaps she said no?

You do need to speak to your sister about this and get the full extent of exactly what happened.

Not that any of it excuses buying a 13 year old child alcohol, whether they said yes or no.

MinistryofThyme · 01/12/2024 00:47

Marblesbackagain · 01/12/2024 00:40

I would look to reporting it. She gave a child alcohol. I would absolutely look to where professional help could be got because it isn't normal to have a child alcohol it's abusive.

And really those blaming a 13 year old child for this is disgusting. Do you blame all children victims of abuse? This is abuse, not physical nor sexual but abuse.

Disgusting excuses of adults, they wouldn't be on my or my childs company again, scumbags so this.

Report her SISTER for giving a teenager a bottle of beer? To whom? Sister hasn’t covered herself in glory but imagine making an official report over this. Absolutely batshit.

Speak to your sister in the cold light of day and get her take. I think it’s brilliant that your son confided in you, but I’d want to ascertain it occurred precisely as he told it to you. But take heart from the fact he spoke to you and that he decided he didn’t want to drink, regardless of how the situation came about.

Original poster
Saveusernsme · 01/12/2024 00:48

He wasn’t asked if he wanted a bottle. It was just bought for him.

It’s one thing a 13 year old wanting to try a drink (which he didn’t) but should it be purchased for him by his 60 year old Auntie?

OP posts:
Onlyvisiting · 01/12/2024 00:49

You are not overreacting, that is so out of order. Not just the giving a 13 year old alcohol without his parents permission, but the way it was done. A small amount, at a dinner? Maybe. Privately, with older cousins egging him on like it is some kind of challenge? That is the kind of stupid behaviour I might expect from a pissed older teenager, not his own aunt! Totally irresponsible, I would not trust her around my (or any) child again, her judgment is clearly fucked up.
And imo the PP saying 'oh it's OK, it's good practice for peer pressure'?! No. You also want to teach your child how to respond to an adult making inappropriate sexual suggestions, doesn't mean you'd call it good practice for him for his relatives to try groping him so he can learn how to react does it? Family are supposed to be the ones you trust to protect a child, not be the thing you warn them against.

Original poster
Saveusernsme · 01/12/2024 00:50

My DSis confirmed that she and my BIL bought it for him. She played it down and said it was left on the table and he drank his coke instead. I haven’t replied since as I need to work out the right approach.

OP posts:
purpleme12 · 01/12/2024 00:51

Only the parents' decision to give alcohol to a child
So yes I would be very annoyed

RubyWinehouse · 01/12/2024 01:02

Not a big deal, if he is curious to try beer, then best he is with trusted family rather than being over a park or something with mates who won't care if he has a negative reaction. Try to remember how it was when you was a teen.

Original poster
Saveusernsme · 01/12/2024 01:06

I remember exactly how it was vividly. Not sure what that’s got to do with anything in my post though.

It’s normal for drinks to try things when they are ready, but not for family to encourage it and hide it from his parents.

OP posts:
Marblesbackagain · 01/12/2024 01:37

MinistryofThyme · 01/12/2024 00:47

Report her SISTER for giving a teenager a bottle of beer? To whom? Sister hasn’t covered herself in glory but imagine making an official report over this. Absolutely batshit.

Speak to your sister in the cold light of day and get her take. I think it’s brilliant that your son confided in you, but I’d want to ascertain it occurred precisely as he told it to you. But take heart from the fact he spoke to you and that he decided he didn’t want to drink, regardless of how the situation came about.

Show quote history

Well in several jurisdictions they're child agencies, police etc. And yea I bloody would report any adult who puts a child in danger, how liw is your bar?

Ruffpuff · 01/12/2024 01:48

I don’t think a 13 year old drinking a bottle of beer is a massive deal (on a special occasion, or even if nicked and experimenting with mates).

I do think it’s incredibly strange for a 13 year old to be pressured into drinking by their aunty and by cousins who are in their 20s!! I’m 27 and I had my baby at 21…I can’t imagine being childish enough at that age to bully my little cousin into drinking. Bizarre behaviour all around.

It is funny how they didn’t do that to the 13 year old girl..

FictionalCharacter · 01/12/2024 04:45

This is nasty behaviour by dsis. He didn’t ask for it or want it, they just bought alcohol for him despite him being well under age, and the cousins were joking around and encouraging him. It really sounds like he was the butt of an unpleasant joke - they’d laugh if he didn’t like it, or it made him lightheaded, or he got worried about being in trouble for drinking.

verycloakanddaggers · 01/12/2024 04:49

fourelementary · 01/12/2024 00:39

But at 13 that’s exactly the age to experience and understand peer pressure which was kind of happening from his cousins. And if he trusts them all he absolutely should have said no thanks… so explore why he wasn’t able to? You say confused- but by what? And how would it have been a fuss to say no to people he trusts and is close to?
This is a good learning opportunity for him but you need to be able to chat to him and not take all the responsibility off him and put it onto your sister.
Once you’ve spoken to DS by all means just drop her a message saying you’d prefer she didn’t buy alcohol and he was a bit upset feeling he was put on the spot by her. But it’s not a huge deal imo.

Clearly no understanding of safeguarding and grooming behaviour.

A 13yo was pressures to drink by a group of adults.

verycloakanddaggers · 01/12/2024 05:00

Saveusernsme · 01/12/2024 00:50

My DSis confirmed that she and my BIL bought it for him. She played it down and said it was left on the table and he drank his coke instead. I haven’t replied since as I need to work out the right approach.

My response would be to mentally move my sister and her family from 'trusted' to 'untrusted' in my head. Every action you take going forwards flows from that. You don't actually have to say anything anytime soon.

The sad thing is, he now realised tonight that the people he respected and are his family, don’t have his best interests at heart. That’s the biggest issue for him (and me). This is a sad but important lesson for him - you have to accept people as they are.

if I say anything I’ll be the problem maker. In my parents eyes, my DSis can do no wrong. This sounds pretty toxic.

I'd be keeping her at arm's length unless she apologised sincerely. There's no need to say much, she knows what she did.