13 DS given alcohol by DSIS

[Saveusernsme]

I need some wider perspective on this situation.

During a large pre-Christmas family dinner this evening my DSIS and my BIL decided to buy my son (just turned 13) a bottle of beer. He drank some but left most of it. He has come home upset as he left like he was put in a difficult position as the older cousins (20s) were all joking about and encouraging him.

My DH and I had no idea this was going on. There were a lot of us and my DS was sat on another table with the other children.

It came to light when my DH spotted the beer on his table and my DSis tried to cover it up, which was near the end of the night.

We left with everyone else and then my DS told us exactly what happened in the car on the way home.

How would you deal with this? We feel let down by by DSIS but if I say anything I’ll be the problem maker. In my parents eyes, my DSis can do no wrong. I don’t feel I can’t trust them around my children if they thinks it’s appropriate to encourage him to have a drink, and hide it from us.

I feel a little lost as to how I best approach this, if at all? Am I blowing this out of proportion?

This. DSIS was horrible setting this situation up - basically sounds like bullying to make a 13 yo child the butt of their hikes like this. Poor lad responded really well to drink a bit to shut them up but not much cos he didn't like it.
Must've felt really uncomfortable- nasty behaviour of all of them and I'd definitely be having a go at her for making him feel shitty whatever way he responded.

I’d be ringing her up tomorrow first thing. Wouldn’t care who I would upset. The fact she tried to hide it is even worse. Absolutely appalling behaviour, from the cousins as well. Can’t believe the above posters almost seem to be blaming your son for not being confident enough to say no? Classic victim blaming and he’s only 13! Of course he would’ve felt pressured from a bunch of family members, all a lot older than him, all making fun of him. I’d be keeping him close at the next family gatherings as well.

Completely agree with this. Anyone saying ‘why didn’t he just say no?’ - you REALLY need to think about your attitude towards this. Would you say the same if your 13 year old child was peer pressured into sexual activity with an older person?

You are right to be annoyed OP and I echo the previous poster who said it’s just weird for cousins in their late teens or early 20s to be doing this. I could understand slightly more (slightly!) if your DS was say, 16 and his cousins were 18 and trying to get him to have a beer. But by your late teens and twenties, 13 year olds seem like children to you and I can’t fathom why you’d be saying ‘go on, have the beer, drink it’ etc. Completely different to your DS cheekily saying ‘come on let me try a bit of beer’ which I would accept as normal daring teenage behaviour.

Do you know exactly what his cousins and older relatives were saying to get him to have the beer? Was it just a one-off statement ‘why don’t you try it?’ (still inappropriate but I could move past this a lot faster) or was it a sustained ‘go on, do it!’ until he had a sip (far worse)?

Come off it. The aunt is older and therefore are power figure. And he was being bullied by older cousins laughing at him. That's a lot of pressure on a 13 year old. And especially one who just turned 13. An almost 12 year old

Kudos to him for not drinking all the beer (he likely drank bit to get those people off his back) and telling his parents.

Op, your D'sis is a wanker and can't be trusted . And yes talk to your son about peer pressure

It is funny how they didn’t do that to the 13 year old girl
Probably because on ingrained misogyny? Or they know its not right?

talk to your son about peer pressure

Peer pressure would come from other 13yos. This was group adult pressure on a lone young teen. A more appropriate term for what happened is intimidation.

Well he needs to know, you can helo him with that as his parents. Piling alcohol on him would be him getting drunk, they offered him one bottle he tasted it and left it, not worth agonising over.

Do you normally condone adults bullying children as learning experiences? And you sat
And how would it have been a fuss to say no to people he trusts and is close to?

Choose dickhead behaviour from the list below:
a) grown ups in a position of trust bullying a 13 year old to do what he didn't want to
b) One of the said grown up lying about giving beer to a 13 year old to his parents
c) All of the above

I think this has lost perspective.

No one bullied him into drinking it. He didn't luke it, so didn't drink much of it - and this was corroborated by the sister. Maybe they said, 'try it' (at worst) or he wanted to try it (at best) so they got him his own bottle to taste it.

I'm not saying that's great behaviour, but I can see how it could happen if everyone had had a few already.

I don't think it's worth breaking up a family over this. If there were many incidents, but not this one in isolation. You can let your sister know you're not happy about it, without it turning it into civil war.

Insist to DSIS that you are very upset and that, under no circumstances, is she ever to buy your under age son alcohol.

Tell her you need to be able to trust that your son is cared for in the extended family setting and that you need to trust her.

Ask her to promise.

Be more aware for a good while and speak to your DS about how he feels at family celebrations.

I'm surprised a restaurant would allow a bottle of beer to be bought and served to a child, given that it's a massive breech of their license.

It's one thing to let a child have a sip or two of alcohol at home gatherings but so wrong that they bought it in a licensed venue. As @coffeesaveslives said they could have lost their license over this!

I wouldn't make a big thing of it, but I would say to your son he's done nothing wrong but if he wants a soft drink he needs to speak up and say that he wants coke or whatever, ignoring his cousins saying he should have beer because drinking alcohol is a choice and he does not need to, but equally at 13 if he want a drink at family gatherings then as long as it's only one that's ok ... measured response basically.

As you don't know who suggested the beer (might have been the cousins saying to him have a beer) I wouldn't moan about it. It's really borderline as to being ok age wise, I'd have given mine wine or cider at 13 if they wanted it

But if it was an outside venue, not in a house, they shouldn't have bought for under 16 anyway because it's the use. In someone's home or in a hall situation where alcohol is being given away it's legal for a 13 year old to have a drink

Your sil shouldn't have given him the beer. But my what a fuss. Just tell her not to do it again.

I actually agree with pp that 13 is exactly the age where he needs to start handling these situations himself. He could well be offered vapes and even alcohol through school friends at this age. He needs to be able to say no, especially if you are actually there to support him. You're talking like he's much younger than he is.

It's difficult being 13 with older cousins, I wonder if SIL just got him one so he wasn't the 'baby' cousin. If it was just put on the table so he could drink or not together with a coke that he preferred I don't see anything terrible. And his cousin's teasing him about it is par for the course really.

This wasn't in a home setting though, this was in a restaurant where it's illegal to serve any alcohol to anyone under 16.

Between 16-18 it would have been okay as they were having food, but not at 13 - the venue could lose their license if they were reported.

In terms of responding to DSIS, I'd take the heat off your son by focusing on it being you and DH who have the problem with it, rather than talking about how upset he was. Something like "me and DH want to be made aware in future if you are thinking of buying alcohol for ds, because we feel he's too young".

This does start to happen around this age , so work with your DS on some phrases he can use if he's offered a drink again in other settings, particularly if you/he have more parties/gatherings coming . "No thank you", should be enough though, and it's exasperating when it isn't, especially with family.

With your sister I'd just approach it as he's too young for it and this is a decision that you have made as his parents, and you will let her know if that changed in the future. Short and simple, but a clear boundary.

There are some sensible suggestions on here, thank you.

My DSIS clearly knew she had done the wrong thing as she was actively hiding the bottle from my DH.

This combined with the humiliating secret Santa gift she bought him has meant an end to us spending with them.

I just don’t know what she and her family were thinking. It feels like he was the butt of some joke.

Just an update for anyone who is interested. DSIS is not interested at all. Thinks it’s all an over reaction and that ‘we were given alcohol at that age’. Yes we were, by our parents and that’s the difference! (I won’t mention the fact that we do not have a healthy relationship with alcohol and that it’s taken a long term to figure that our family do drink very heavily. My DH and I no longer drink).

No idea where we go now. As usual, as the golden child. She can do no wrong and so I’m in the wrong for not wanting my just turned 13 year old to be given a bottle of beer. I knew this would happen. I had hoped she would acknowledge, apologise and we could move on. Now we’re in a state mate and I can’t have my children around them at family events.

I think I’d be very blunt - yes dsis, we were given alcohol at this age by our parents but you are not his parent; and yes I know we had alcohol when we were underage and look what happened, we are a family of people who have alcohol problems. She won’t change her behaviour but you can tell her the truth.
All you can do is make sure you don’t leave your kids alone with her, because she can’t be trusted.

I agree with the above - speak the truth irrespective of whether you will be listened to.