Took dd shopping today and felt so triggered

[Triggeredbyeverything]

I took dd (14) out and for some reason I felt so sad as my mother was so abusive to me and often would take me clothes shopping just to tell me nothing suited me, that I was a strange shape and ugly . To go shopping with my own dd and have a nice time and then remember my own shopping experiences at that age just really hit me hard. I think I need counselling.

Has anyone else felt similar ? I think it’s all coming out now as it reached a peak when I was 14 the age my dd is now . I’m not sure what to do

Find a counsellor if you feel the need to talk about it. You've answered your own question.

Ah, OP. I haven't experienced this, but thankfully your daughter has a better mom.
For you, 💐.

I just found it suddenly so hard to not cry and I didn’t want to ruin the trip for her but I was getting so many flashbacks to awful things my mum used to say to me after trying things on as dd had tried a dress on and it looked beautiful and it just really triggered me

Hi op, I'm a therapist. Very common once own children start to bit similar mile stones. Find a nice therapist you feel comfortable with and work through it all. Cbt and emdr would be great. Cbt is available via the nhs, emdr would probably need to be paid for but I think would work wonders for you. Good luck

Hit not bit similar milestones

I get it. My mum once measured my thigh and then her thigh and was overjoyed that mine was bigger. I was 14. I still remember 'what DO you look like?'.

I have a now 18yo, I have gone out of my way to support her clothing choices and style. I do still feel sorry for younger me.

Counselling is a good call.

Thankyou I will look into those I really appreciate the suggestions

Oh goodness my mother did this too and weighed us both and got out photos of herself at whatever age I was at that time to show how much prettier she was. Told me how I wasn’t photogenic and forced me to have a haircut that I didn’t want and made me look hideous

Be proud Op that your DD has a kind, loving mum.

I experienced similar to you in terms of my mother and still tell my adult DD on a regular basis how gorgeous she is!

Isnt awful how things our mums said stick with us. My mum always said I had fat arms, so I still will never wear sleeveless tops. Both my daughters tell me my arms are not fat, but I still hear my mum.

You're not alone, @Triggeredbyeverything I think a lot of us have had this experience. My own parents were pretty cruel about my appearance as a teenager, and there were definite comments about my general size from my mother (who at the time was stick thin, surviving mainly on cigarettes and coffee, and in hindsight clearly unwell). She'd deny it now, but I remember. I've kept her at arms length from my own children. I'm not letting that poison seep into another generation. Seeing my own DD hit those ages, seeing how vulnerable and young she was just made me even more angry and upset at how cruel my parents had been.

Recently did six months of CBT and emdr (emdr is a technique that helps you to deal with emotions that have got a bit stuck that you haven't been able to process properly and that tend to repeat themselves when a similar situation arises). It sounds a bit odd, but basically you close your eyes and tap both sides of your body in a rhythmic way as you talk through the memory. It's difficult but I have found it really helpful.

I wanted to add, I still cannot look at photographs of myself. There are none in the house. I can just about look in a mirror to do my makeup, but I can't look at myself in a full length one.

You don't need counselling...you need Therapy.
There is a big difference.
Counselling is to help you cope with the here and now and things happening in your life right now ( think marriage counselling). Therapy is for past trauma and how to deal with things from your past that can effect you now and in the future .

I get this a lot, I'm pregnant with my first rn but I feel the same whenever I see mums and daughters spending time together, communicating etc. It's tough but you broke the cycle and that is a massive accomplishment!

On my 21st birthday my mum took me dress shopping. I was in the fitting room and she said to the assistant "she'll never get anything to fit her she's that fat".

Can I join the club? Not that it’s one any of us want to belong to.

I’m so sorry to everyone else affected like this . The abuse I suffered was of many types but for some reason it’s the emotional
abuse that has left the deepest wounds

@Triggeredbyeverything You poor thing, your mother treated you appallingly.

I am hoping that you will be able to access some counselling to help you process your feelings, and I also hope that you no longer have any contact with your abuser.

I agree so much with your last sentence @Triggeredbyeverything . My dad did the physical abuse, my mum did more of the verbal stuff. Don't get me wrong, I do still remember some of the really bad batterings from my dad, but so much more of the verbal abuse still replays in my mind, over 50 years later.

And people who say "sticks and stones may break my bones ..." etc etc can piss right off, quite frankly.

Agree op, mine used to tell me I had to wear navy as its slimming and made me wear ridiculous frocks that didn't suit my age ( I'm in my 60s and don't have a dress or skirt to my name as I don't feel feminine enough to wear them, I feel like a man in drag🥺). There are very few photos of me as I shy away from the camera. A kind friend of mine gave me one of those mugs with a photo of me as a baby on it for my 60th. In the end I had to put it away as it filled me with great sadness every time I caught sight of it in my kitchen, I wanted to hold, cuddle and love that neglected baby like I have done my own!

I've had some success with kind of mindful techniques where I can stop myself ruminating over the past, whether that's the right thing to do or not I don't know but it helps to get to sleep when past events go around in your brain💐

I remember my mom was taking my measurements for my prom dress and my shoulders, hips and waist were roughly the same at the time (probably hadn't finished developing) and she said "you're measurements are all the same. You're just shaped like a rectangle, no wonder your thighs are touching"

You sound like a lovely mum, trying not to be like your own.

My mum couldn't even muster a 'you look good' on my wedding day. I make sure I am the complete opposite as I know how hurtful it is. Just being aware of how not to repeat the cycle is testament to what a great job you're doing.

Neither could my mother, in fact she refused to come wedding dress shopping with me. Fortunately I had sons, so didn’t have to relive most of her emotional abuse.
OP you sound lovely, enjoy your relationship with your daughter.

Unfortunately bringing up your own kids can bring back a lot of memories when they are the age you were mistreated. Sometimes people decide to just leave home and put it behind them and move on, but then find they can't when they have their own kids.
I put it behind me and played happy families with my parents after I left home, but then after I had my own kids just thought "Fuck it. I don't want to" and now just concentrate on the nice people in my life.

@Balloonhearts what an empathetic sounding response. I hate the word “triggered “ but I get what you are saying and I imagine it’s v normal to look back on when you are that age . At least you can recognise it and act differently with your own daughters.
My mother didn’t like me much and used to ignore me for days /weeks when I was a teenager amongst other things.
By ignore , she wouldn’t answer my questions and completely acted like I was invisible for days on end . I still remember how anxious I felt and I’d try and work up the courage to get her to talk to me and I would be so worried. I used to apologize profusely for whatever awful stuff id done (I was a tame teenager )
I often think now with my own kids “ what would my mother have done and then do the opposite “. Now she’s a philosophical old woman who people think is lovely and wise 🙄