Took dd shopping today and felt so triggered

[Triggeredbyeverything]

I took dd (14) out and for some reason I felt so sad as my mother was so abusive to me and often would take me clothes shopping just to tell me nothing suited me, that I was a strange shape and ugly . To go shopping with my own dd and have a nice time and then remember my own shopping experiences at that age just really hit me hard. I think I need counselling.

Has anyone else felt similar ? I think it’s all coming out now as it reached a peak when I was 14 the age my dd is now . I’m not sure what to do

My mum did this as well including telling the registrar at my wedding that my ankles were naturally thick and that's why they looked like that ( this was after the registrar said to her doesn't Ginger look lovely).

If you are reading this thread and you say this kind of shit to your DDs just stop.

Your mum was nasty. I’m not sure what therapy would do. You’ve obviously turned out fine if you aren’t the same with your DD. Talk it through with her and yourDH? Let her learn how some people aren’t kind. I guess your mum had her reasons but they were her problems and not because of how you looked, how a dress suited you or anything to do with you just her own messed up ness? I’m sorry you had a shit time doing that. My mum had no interest in shopping. And I may be the only person who shopped for a wedding dress alone! 😆 but it was fine, my friends were busy or not where the shops were and I could t have given a hoot!

Is there any need to be so dismissive and uncaring? Obviously OP is posting on here for support

Absolutely impossible to find therapists without spending £££££, sadly. There isn't even CBT on NHS in my area anymore. Absolutely nothing without paying £100+ per hour.

I still get upset when I remember my Dad writing "Little Miss Piggy" on my bedroom door in permanent marker when I put weight on during puberty. Unsurprisingly I ended up with anorexia less than 12 months later...

Not totally the same but I remember one afternoon that I went shopping with DD, we laughed and chatted all the way round, then we went to a coffee shop and she insisted I tried a drink which was out of my normal comfort zone.

When I was drinking my drink (that I didn't like, but at least I tried it!) it suddenly occurred to me that I couldn't remember a single occasion when I'd spent any time alone with my mother as a teenager, let alone a whole afternoon laughing and joking with her.

I'm NC with my mother now anyway for a host of reasons, but I guess this was another revelation that she really wasn't a great parent.

How lovely that you’re now having positive experiences with your daughter, OP! They will be happy memories for her in years to come. Get whatever support you need so that you can enjoy time with your daughter.

My goodness this could be me, OP.

My mum had absolutely zero interest in fashion, to the point that what we were dressed in as kids made us look a bit freakish. She made most of the clothes, to save money. When we did go clothes shopping, it was exactly as you describe - I was a sturdy child, but looking back at photos, not fat. I was tall though. Only smocks apparently fitted me, at a time when smocks were absolutely not in fashion. Was also subjected to haircuts that made me look masculine.

Brrrrrrr.

My lass is very tall and curvy, but has been through tall and skinny too. We always enjoyed clothes and dressing up to go out when she was growing up and I am so glad. We never mentioned body shape, apart from when getting bras!

Can you try your workplace, OP? You don’t need to disclose the reason for therapy and it’s all confidential, but many employers foot the bill on your behalf.

This is appalling. I’m so sorry 💐

Did he ever acknowledge that his action might have had something to do with your anorexia?

The conversation that stung for me was the time my mother told me I was boring. I was about seventeen, I think. Very awkward, lonely, terrible low self-esteem, really struggling socially. I'd asked to go somewhere and she said I should have friends to do it with, not her, what was wrong with me, I was boring. FWIW all the problems I had stemmed from growing up in a house with an abusive father and parents who had a shit marriage. I've never really got over that comment. It still, decades later, makes me wonder what sort of a mother can be that cruel to her own child.
My own daughter is that sort of age now. We go out together every week. Coffee. Browsing in clothes shops. Just chatting. It feels like a privilege to me.

I get how you feel Op, DD wanted to make pancakes today so she and DH made them together. It was lovely, but sometimes I get a tinge of sadness about the kind of childhood my Dd has vs my own. It was after I had my first that I went NC.

That sounds horrible OP. I’m sorry you had a narcissistic mother.

My mum was always going on about how great/skinny she was when younger, while simultaneously putting my sisters and I down. I’ve really tried hard to tell my daughters just how great they are and how much better they are than me! As a shy teenager I was scouted as a model and everyone around me was telling me I should be one, it was my dream so I went to ask my mum for advice/help to send photos etc, she looked disgusted and said “you’re not pretty enough to be a model”. I just meekly replied “I know” as my heart dropped into my chest, apologised to her and never pursued it.

No matter how many people have built me up since then I’ve always thought I’m not pretty enough to do anything. It’s led to spells of agrophobia as I’ve felt too hideous to leave the house etc. Fast forward to me in my early twenties, and my life was a mess because of bad mental health/eating disorders/abusive relationships etc I had to go live at home again. I was trying to take a new photo for my profile photo on social media, this was the first time I’d worn any makeup or tried to look nice in a long time, and she said “why are you doing that” “you know you’re not very pretty”. For job interviews she’d say “whats wrong with you” because I’d put make up on to go. She has also said every man I’ve ever dated has just been “using” me. I can’t understand why some mothers are like this!

I hope there's a special place in hell for parents who are so despicable to their young daughters.

I cannot even begin to understand. Young teens are so vulnerable and so in need of support. I think parents who take advantage of this and are horrible to their kids have a darkness in their soul. I hope they never have any peace, and I hope they never get to spend time with their grandchildren. 🤬

Just know that all of you were a miracle and a gift, and were completely innocent. The treatment you received is an irremovable stain on your parents' characters, and you are blameless.

You were pearls before swine.