DD being bullied!

SunnyGoose · 2024-11-27T16:51:06+00:00

My DD is 9 (summer born) and is in a mixed class of year 5 and 6. A new boy started about 7 weeks ago, but he has been bullying my daughter, he scowls at her, he shoulder barged her in the playground and pushed her when queuing to go back into the classroom. The HT spoke to him today, he said it was a gentle push, but he’s taller and older than her and my DD said it wasn’t gentle because she moved forwards. When the HT followed up with a phone call, I felt she downplayed what he had been doing, but agreed to keep an eye on things. When my daughter came out of school, she told me that he walked past her in the class today and nudged into her arm as he walked by, when she looked at him he smiled, which makes me think it was intentional, he didn’t apologise either. I don’t know where to go from here, do I go back to the HT, or wait and see if anything happens again? Thanks!

fruitypancake · 27/11/2024 16:55

For me it would depend on how distressed DD is- is she v upset, not wanting to go to school / scared of the boy ? If not I'm not sure I would do anything more for now - maybe keep a log of events

Original poster

SunnyGoose · 27/11/2024 17:04

She is ok, but she is starting to get anxious about going to school. I don’t feel comfortable not doing anything, as it’s the third time he’s been physical to her and smiling after makes me feel like he knows what he’s doing and he did it to get revenge after being spoken to.

OP posts:

fruitypancake · 27/11/2024 18:34

Sounds like you have answered your own question then- you don't feel comfortable leaving it - send an email and ask for a resolution- what are they going to do ?

BeMintBee · 27/11/2024 18:41

They need to make it clear to him that there is to be zero physical contact moving forward. No brushing past, nudging, gentle shoves etc. Tell them you will have no tolerance for any future incidences.

BeMintBee · 27/11/2024 18:44

Don’t let the head teacher down play it make you stance clear and follow up with a complaint when it happens. Every single time.

DS was on the receiving end of this type of low level bullying and I wish I had come in hard at the start as the little shit was relentless.

Heartbreakanddamage · 27/11/2024 18:58

SunnyGoose · 27/11/2024 17:04

She is ok, but she is starting to get anxious about going to school. I don’t feel comfortable not doing anything, as it’s the third time he’s been physical to her and smiling after makes me feel like he knows what he’s doing and he did it to get revenge after being spoken to.

I work with age group and from what you have said I honestly do not think this is enough to class this as bullying.

Schools are such busy places and children physically come into contact with each other all the time, particularly in the playground and at line up time entering and leaving the class. You say he admitted pushing her, but did he specifically say this was on purpose? We have the “X,Y or Z pushed me about a dozen times a day and these are very, very rarely cases of bullying. As for ‘scowling’ at her…seriously OP if schools were expected to deal with every ‘scowl’ or dirty look given we would have to employ a whole team to deal with each class of 30.

i am not minimising what your daughter has said but please be very careful labelling this as bullying to your daughter. If you are telling her she is being bullied you are making her feel like a victim. We class bullying as several times on purpose and as yet these incidents do not seem extreme.

My advise is don’t project your own fears onto your daughter. Obviously be there and listen but don’t keep talking about it or she will pick up on your anxiety over what is highly likely to be nothing.

User37482 · 27/11/2024 19:04

Heartbreakanddamage · 27/11/2024 18:58

I work with age group and from what you have said I honestly do not think this is enough to class this as bullying.

Schools are such busy places and children physically come into contact with each other all the time, particularly in the playground and at line up time entering and leaving the class. You say he admitted pushing her, but did he specifically say this was on purpose? We have the “X,Y or Z pushed me about a dozen times a day and these are very, very rarely cases of bullying. As for ‘scowling’ at her…seriously OP if schools were expected to deal with every ‘scowl’ or dirty look given we would have to employ a whole team to deal with each class of 30.

i am not minimising what your daughter has said but please be very careful labelling this as bullying to your daughter. If you are telling her she is being bullied you are making her feel like a victim. We class bullying as several times on purpose and as yet these incidents do not seem extreme.

My advise is don’t project your own fears onto your daughter. Obviously be there and listen but don’t keep talking about it or she will pick up on your anxiety over what is highly likely to be nothing.

Show quote history

I’m going to be honest. This kind of interpretation is why our schools have behavioural issues. To walk into the same girl three times seem a bit unlikely doesn’t it. The system is set up to not stigmatise aggressors.

It’s gaslighting to say she’s not being bullied, this is what the start looks like.

OP check the school policy and escalate accordingly. Don’t let it go.

Heartbreakanddamage · 27/11/2024 19:24

User37482 · 27/11/2024 19:04

I’m going to be honest. This kind of interpretation is why our schools have behavioural issues. To walk into the same girl three times seem a bit unlikely doesn’t it. The system is set up to not stigmatise aggressors.

It’s gaslighting to say she’s not being bullied, this is what the start looks like.

OP check the school policy and escalate accordingly. Don’t let it go.

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Sorry @User37482 Have I got this right? I’m gaslighting because I have a different opinion? Wow that’s an unusual one! You think a child who has made contact with another pupil three times in 7 weeks and scowled should be labelled a school bully?

What I actually said is that this would not, at this stage, be classed as bullying! As I said very clearly to the OP to listen to her DD and see how it goes but too many parents jump on the bullying bandwagon when it is far from that. They tell their DC’s they are being bullied and then send them off to school full of fear and anxiety.

It might well be the start of something and if it is then it needs dealing with but nothing will be gained from making a big deal at this stage.

Not sure how you navigate life OP with the opinion that everyone who doesn’t agree with you is a gaslighter 😀

Original poster

SunnyGoose · 27/11/2024 21:36

The post you’re replying to isn’t me, I haven’t responded to your post.

The barges and pushes were intentional because they were after he said something to her (‘shut up and move’) they were done with intent, not accidental. He also makes snide remarks, then stares at her with his eyes squinted, it makes her uncomfortable. He also barged into her today after being spoken to by the HT and smiled after, as if to say, ‘This is to get you back!’

I didn’t say to her she’s being bullied, so not sure why you made that assumption, I used that term on here, everything she’s said, is what came from her, I told her it’s wrong for him to do those things and we’d address with the teacher.

OP posts:

Original poster

SunnyGoose · 27/11/2024 21:41

User37482 · 27/11/2024 19:04

I’m going to be honest. This kind of interpretation is why our schools have behavioural issues. To walk into the same girl three times seem a bit unlikely doesn’t it. The system is set up to not stigmatise aggressors.

It’s gaslighting to say she’s not being bullied, this is what the start looks like.

OP check the school policy and escalate accordingly. Don’t let it go.

Show quote history

I agree, will escalate if it goes any further.
Thank you!

OP posts:

MiddleParking · 27/11/2024 21:49

You say he admitted pushing her, but did he specifically say this was on purpose?

Stunning logic there. Slow clap.

Heartbreakanddamage · 27/11/2024 21:59

@MiddleParking

Sorry do you not understand? It’s not really a difficult concept tbh, but granted it’s late!

Right, yes he admitted pushing her, but it still doesn’t mean it was on purpose does it? As I said, we have these scenarios a dozen times a day, child A says “child B pushed me” The child who was pushed almost always assumes it was on purpose. We ask child B “Did you push child A?” They tell you that yes they did, because someone further back pushed them. In other words yes they did it but no not with intent.

Have I made that nice and simple for you @MiddleParking?

Heartbreakanddamage · 27/11/2024 22:06

SunnyGoose · 27/11/2024 21:36

The post you’re replying to isn’t me, I haven’t responded to your post.

The barges and pushes were intentional because they were after he said something to her (‘shut up and move’) they were done with intent, not accidental. He also makes snide remarks, then stares at her with his eyes squinted, it makes her uncomfortable. He also barged into her today after being spoken to by the HT and smiled after, as if to say, ‘This is to get you back!’

I didn’t say to her she’s being bullied, so not sure why you made that assumption, I used that term on here, everything she’s said, is what came from her, I told her it’s wrong for him to do those things and we’d address with the teacher.

No @SunnyGoose I realise that.

I am absolutely not trying to minimise and I do understand because my own DD had a serious bullying problem many years ago at school. I was really just trying to say that at this stage I didn’t think school (I may be wrong) would class it as bullying but you are definitely right to keep a close eye on it.
Good that you didn’t call it bullying to your DD. The best advice J can give is to tell your DD to make certain that if any of her friends see this happening that they also come forward and say what they saw.

i hope everything settles down for her.

Guest100 · 27/11/2024 22:07

You need to make a big deal out of every single incident. Lots of emails, then go in for meetings. Be the squeaky wheel. Make yourself very familiar with any policies on behaviour, especially violence and question them on why he the policy hasn’t been followed. Hopefully they get sick of you and come down on him.

Mossstitch · 27/11/2024 22:59

He's intimidating somebody younger and weaker than himself, the very definition of a bully because bullies are cowards! He wouldn't be doing this to a bigger stronger child! I'd be backing my child to the hilt over this and if the school didn't do something about it I would myself🤨

LoveMySushi · 28/11/2024 11:20

Reminds me of my DD “Muuuum, brother is looking at me!”
I work in a school too and i agree with @Heartbreakanddamage. This is not yet bullying.
Keep listening to your DD, maybe note down the incidents.
But be careful with it as well. If your DD comes home complaining and saying she doesnt feel comfortable because a boy squints his eyes at her or looks at her menacingly, shes gonna have a hard school life ahead of her. Teach her to ignore all that stuff. Obviously when hes being physical it needs to be raised every time, but it looks like the teacher did speak to him. I wouldnt bring it up again for mean looks etc.

mnreader · 28/11/2024 11:41

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Bunnycat101 · 28/11/2024 12:33

I also think there’s a bit of minimising with some of the posts here and it seems to be how some kids get away with being little shits in the classroom quite frankly. There should be zero tolerance of physical aggression however minor it might be. It pisses me off no end that children feel anxious about putting up with behaviour in school that would absolutely not be tolerated in the work place. Girls seem to be encouraged to put up with poor behaviour from boys and it sends such a bad message.

Dweetfidilove · 28/11/2024 12:46

Not great advice, but I told my daughter to punch him back and let the school call me. I'd reported him before and their idea of resolving was having him in the office for afternoon tea.
Well, she only got round to pushing him out of her face, the PE teacher caught wind and they ended up in the office.

HT called and I went down to school and raised fresh hell. She suggested another afternoon in the office and I pointed out that this didn't work on previous occasions (he was working his way through the class of kids), so they needed to tell me something sensible or I wouldn't let them rest.

They called the parents to say he needed to be picked up ASAP and one week's suspension. I also had a call from the mom's friend with an apology and some yapping about how terrible she felt...

Safe to say, he didn't touch her again. The schools are weak and minimise everything, so you have to be robust.

ChestnutGrove · 28/11/2024 13:36

he scowls at her, he shoulder barged her in the playground and pushed her when queuing to go back into the classroom

I'd be really upset if my workmate did this to me. Why should a girl at the top of primary school have to put up with it? We are not talking toddlers who don't know what they are doing. He is way old enough to know this is unacceptable and the school needs to crack down on it.

SassyGoose · 28/11/2024 13:48

This needs nipping in the bud now. Bullying behaviour (in training I’ve previously had) is defined as S.T.O.P (several times on purpose).

A similar thing happened to my DS and I read every policy, recorded every incident and called the school every day. It was tough and took a lot of time and energy but it stopped as a result of my pestering and DS is free from his bully now.

Do not allow the school to minimise this - advocate for your daughter.

Doliveira · 28/11/2024 13:48

This boy needs to learn right now that respect for others is of paramount importance. School is being neglectful, I would escalate.

thank goodnesss your daughter isn’t just accepting harassment quietly so that others can be unpleasant in peace.

MiddleParking · 28/11/2024 17:23

Heartbreakanddamage · 27/11/2024 21:59

@MiddleParking

Sorry do you not understand? It’s not really a difficult concept tbh, but granted it’s late!

Right, yes he admitted pushing her, but it still doesn’t mean it was on purpose does it? As I said, we have these scenarios a dozen times a day, child A says “child B pushed me” The child who was pushed almost always assumes it was on purpose. We ask child B “Did you push child A?” They tell you that yes they did, because someone further back pushed them. In other words yes they did it but no not with intent.

Have I made that nice and simple for you @MiddleParking?

Three times? You certainly do sound simple.

Heartbreakanddamage · 28/11/2024 17:26

ChestnutGrove · 28/11/2024 13:36

he scowls at her, he shoulder barged her in the playground and pushed her when queuing to go back into the classroom

I'd be really upset if my workmate did this to me. Why should a girl at the top of primary school have to put up with it? We are not talking toddlers who don't know what they are doing. He is way old enough to know this is unacceptable and the school needs to crack down on it.

Sorry OP but you are being ridiculous comparing this situation between primary aged children and adults.

I don’t know if you have DC but if you do, I wish you well with running to the head every time another child throws a dirty look or scowls. It’s your job as parents to teach your children some resilience and reading these posts I think the majority are not capable of that.

Mossstitch · 28/11/2024 20:15

Heartbreakanddamage · 28/11/2024 17:26

Sorry OP but you are being ridiculous comparing this situation between primary aged children and adults.

I don’t know if you have DC but if you do, I wish you well with running to the head every time another child throws a dirty look or scowls. It’s your job as parents to teach your children some resilience and reading these posts I think the majority are not capable of that.

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Resilience 🤯 my child was bullied and strangled with his tie at age 6 by an 8 Yr old, eventually when the teachers were ineffectual i told him to threaten anybody with his older brothers (5 & 7 yrs older than him in the same school which seemed to work)! Said child was eventually expelled at age 10, was it for the continual bullying of younger weaker children........no.......it was for hitting a teacher😳