I can't do this anymore

[Pluckolit]

When I say can't function I mean I'm tearful all day, very irritable with my other child and everyone else around me, not safe to drive. My 4 month old has never slept more than 3 hours in a row since he was born - and that's 3 hours on an exceptionally good night, I can't remember the last time he did it. On a normal night he's up every single hour.
It doesnt matter what we do - formula, breast milk, co sleeping, more naps, fewer naps, bedtime routine, white noise, dummy - believe me I have tried literally everything short of proper sleep training as he is too young. We co sleep simply out of necessity but he still wakes every hour. He's not in pain or screaming - just wants to feed for 5 minutes then go back to sleep. He does not have reflux or CMPA or any other physical issue. He is not teething. He is a content and happy baby but I am not. I am so chronically sleep deprived I can hardly remember my own name. I am not expecting him to sleep through the night. But 8-10 wake ups per night is just not sustainable. My DH works with heavy machinery so cannot take over the nights as wouldn't be safe. I have 0 family support and I mean 0. I can't nap in the day as I have to care for my older child.

I don't know what to do any more. I feel I can't go on.

In the short term can your DH take a week of leave so you can get some sleep?

He used up all his holiday taking extra time after paternity as I had repeated infections after my c section. So he can't take any leave now until January at the earliest, or if he did it would be unpaid and we can't take the financial hit.

How old is your older child op? Are they old enough for pre school?

I'm so sorry, that sounds so difficult. I have a 7 week old and can empathise with some of what you are saying, but I don't have another child, which makes things much easier. I have no advice, as you'll have tried everything I can suggest.

Do you have a chance to sleep over the weekend/whenever your partner has days off?

Sending love x

He's 2.5 and we are waiting for a preschool space. There's very little locally.

He wasn't a great sleeper either but he did at least sleep 4ish hours at the start of the night so I could get a consistent chunk.

Yes I do get help from DH at the weekends but we are in a small house and DS generally goes bananas if he doesn't get the boob at night so I can usually still hear him and then everyone gets back to sleep faster if I feed him (bottle doesn't settle him).

This was one of mine my God, I don't know what to telll you other than I also tried every trick in the book and the only thing that made it better was time.

I've had to stay off tik tok because I'm so fed up of the smug videos saying "here's how I got my 8 week old baby to sleep through the night" and then they post some shit about having a good bedtime routine and giving them a bath as though that was all there was to it!!!

Oh bless you. My baby was just like this. I genuinely think I went insane from lack of sleep. It's beyond wretched. I really feel for you.

Is there anyone who could come over, even just for an afternoon so you can stay in bed? There's absolutely no chance you can have a nap and include the eldest? Could they go to bed with a game or a book for a siesta?

What I recommend for now is stripping everything down to the absolute minimum. Leave the housework, stay in bed, eat whatever is to hand, let the older one entertain themselves with screens - if you need to park on the sofa and doze with everyone in a safe place and the TV on, do that. Nothing is more important than you taking care of yourself right now.

I had to co sleep too until 6 months but things got a lot better at that age.

Have you tried a can of sugary Monster? It's not ideal every day, but they can get you through a rough morning.

Hang on in there! 🌺🌺🌺🌺

I'm also fed up of hearing "just co sleep" by the attachment parenting brigade, as though that makes any difference whatsoever. If anything I get less sleep that way as he wakes me up stirring before he wakes up properly.

Yeah, they kick, don't they?

Solidarity op. The sleep deprivation made me an aggressive and miserable nervous wreck. I look back at the newborn days and I'm so sad I hated it so much.

I'll get bashed sideways on MN for suggesting sleep training but I did it with mine at 4 months and it literally changed my life. You don't have to give up BFing either. And guess what, it was actually LESS crying for both of us and gave me a MUCH happier rested baby.

Happy to share the structure I used if you think it'll be helpful.

I'm not anti sleep training in the least, I did it with my eldest at about 8 months and he's been a champion sleeper ever since (and still wakes and cries for me at night if he's ill or distressed so I don't buy the whole "they just learn no one comes if they cry" narrative), I just feel like he's too young at 4 months because he still needs night feeds.

I think this was about the point that I was the only one that turned up to a sleep clinic at the sure start centre. It wasn't life changing, but a chat with someone trained in the area was really helpful and I didn't regret it. No tik tok nonesense from her!
Worth reaching out to the health visitor to see if they have any suggestions, I know it's pot luck, and many don't have sure start anymore.

Routine helped massively, which might verge on "sleep training" but sanity = priceless

Oh OP I do feel for you. My son wasn't a good sleeper at all. I breast fed, he refused a bottle (I tried so many and it didn't matter if there was breast milk or formula in it!) and I spent 6 months like a zombie. I used to feed my son wearing my fleecy dressing gown at night, when he was around 6 months old, I realised he liked the texture. I had a baby blanket made of similar material, and put it in his cot, he grabbed it and went straight to sleep! I honestly cried. I'd spent months and months trying to get him to sleep. My dressing gown was his soother, not the milk or a dummy etc. Do you wear anything in particular when you feed your baby? It's all I can suggest. Swaddling helps some babies too. Sending a hug x

@Pluckolit Honestly Op just do it. You can still do the night feeds.

I know someone who has recently had great success with support from this sleep person if that's worth investigating

Is he waking up every 40 minutes? Mine did that as apparently that’s the sleep cycle. It was a nightmare as he wouldn’t settle himself and I would be up every 40 minutes for months. What I will say (Although it doesn’t help when you’re in the thick of it) it does pass and he will sleep through the night when he’s a little bit older.

aww OP that sounds unbelievably shit!
It sounds like your baby is almost old enough to sleep train though?? I think some people do it at 5/6 months? And in the US they seem to have 4 months as a minimum age.
Can you maybe struggle through for another couple of weeks then give it a go? Having a "deadline" in your head might help psychologically?

No its usually every hour. Sometimes 90 minutes if I'm lucky.

I don't even want him to sleep through. At this point I could live with 2 or 3 wakes. I just can't cope with 8!

Ohh love, it's so bloody hard, both my girls were terrible sleepers, I've got 4 under 6 and honestly I'm never doing it again!
The only thing that worked for me was just doing the bare minimum, my house was a wreckage for the first couple of months (she's 8 months now and only small improvement) but honestly just go with the flow it really will get better with time I know it's easy for me to say when your in the fog it's bloody hard work, but just keep doing what your doing your doing an incredible job!
All the snacks and screens for your older one and don't feel guilty, your doing your absolute best at the moment
Hugs and virtual coffee from me x

Sending empathy. Mine was like this (but also unwell and would only sleep held upright in 30 minute increments) for 18months. I was incredibly unwell with sleep deprivation and people just didn’t understand we didn’t have anyone to help.

could you afford to check into a cheap hotel for Friday and Saturday night and literally sleep and recharge yourself a bit? It’s not a long term solution but it might just get you to Christmas with your sanity in place.

Also it’s incredibly hard but ask for help. From the parents at rhyme time/soft play/toddler group, from your neighbours, from friends without kids. People are often kind but just don’t know what you need.

One thing you've got on your side is that he is a happy, content baby otherwise, so you are a fantastic Mum managing to do all that!

If you aren't already, you could try block feeding to ensure the baby gets all the fattier hind milk? When mine kept feeding in drips and drabs, this really helped widen the gap between feeds I found.

In around 2-3 months you can start weaning, and that should help fill little one up in between feeds.

I think, with an extra bit of rest (earlier bedtimes for you and a few lie ins) It will help keep your energy levels up. You're lucky the 2 year old isn't at school yet, so it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world if you put tv on for them to watch if they woke up earlier than you. Just make life as easy as you can for yourself these next few weeks, you will soon feel better.
I remember like you, when my kids were much younger there were times I could barely string a sentence together sometimes and finding the words I wanted to say took alot longer than normal.
Just take all the pressure off your shoulders, it is a tough time but WILL get easier soon.
Lots of love to you 🙂

I feel your pain I was the exact same with my second. I was a mess couldn't hold a conversation without drifting off in the middle of a sentence. I went to a sleep consultant at about 5 month old and we did sleep training (it wasn't cry himself to sleep)
He was using me/boob as a sleep aid so I had to break that cycle. It took about a week but he was a champion sleeper after.
I would definitely advise seeking help from a sleep consultant if you could

I have a 12 week old who is pretty similar. What made a world of difference to me was that my dh started holding him to sleep from 8/9pm until 12. He sits on the sofa with the baby in his arms for 3-4 hours until he wakes up to feed again. That way I can get a few hours of uninterrupted rest. Could that work for you too?

Hang in there, it will pass.