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Original poster

“Stop forcing your toddler to say sorry”

78 replies

Caarri · 26/11/2024 14:23

Now I’ll lead with, I’ve not forced my toddler (3) to. Over time we’ve taught him how it’s good to say sorry

So my best example is when he pushes/shoves his younger brother (who’s nearly 1) or smacks him and younger brother cries. I’ve taught him it makes his younger brother sad when he does that and it hurts him. He now does say sorry I don’t think he obviously fully gets the word but he says sorry, gives him a hug and a kiss. So in my eyes I thought that’s good that he recognises it upset baby brother when I explained to him etc

i just seen this post. I’ll attach it with all the points

Instantly made me feel guilt that I’d been teaching my toddler sorry but I didn’t think it was a bad thing?!

thoughts??

“Stop forcing your toddler to say sorry”
OP posts:
EvilMorty · 27/11/2024 15:29

BogRollBOGOF · 27/11/2024 07:50

It is useless if the child parrots the word out and doesn't learn from the incident.

I heard too many insincere, token uses of "sorry" when I taught, and the behaviour patterns carried on unchanged. You can show appologetic behaviour by other means.

It is a word I use and it is modelled in our family, but DS1 is autistic and we have far more sucess talking about behaviour, motivations and society's standards than having a huge stand-off over the use of a single word that he can't use if he doesn't mean it.
Years ago at Beavers (around the time we srarted the diagnostic pathway) a child made a derogatory comment about DS's long hair. DS returned with what he believed was an equally factual observation about the child's fatness. Child was obviously offended, reported to leaders, children both stated their case, and child said sorry to DS. DS got himself into a hole because he didn't feel sorry for his response. He didn't understand that society weights comments about long hair and fatness differently. He felt aggrieved that the other child started it then he got in trouble for it because he broke some obscure, invisible rule of society. It took talking about it to understand and learn from that situation, and credit to him many years on, it ptoved to be a genuine lesson. He wouldn't have learned from it if he was able to blurt "sorry" on command and the situation brushed aside in 10s.

With DS2, I always ask "what are you sorry for?" to try and make him think about the situation and model an answer with the reason if he's looking nonplussed about it so at least he knows what the issue is rather than some vague wrongness.

Sorry has its uses but society overrates it. It works better for trivia (like people bumping into each other) than learning how to do better and how the subtleties of society work.

Show quote history

No again, the “useless” sorry you are talking about here is for your own benefit. YOUR child may not learn from parroting sorry (well… may not learn regret but will learn manners) but the lesson of not hearing sorry after being hurt is one that the OTHER CHILD takes away. Your child has then hurt someone, physically AND emotionally, and you’ve allowed it because it doesn’t matter to you.

thats why you say sorry. So the other person can choose to forgive you or not. It’s not just about what the perpetrator learns.

i agree asking “what are you sorry for” is helpful after for your child’s own understanding. But that’s got zero to do with the other child deserving a sorry.

EvilMorty · 27/11/2024 15:40

For those that don’t say sorry, I think you haven’t quite learned the meaning of the word either. Just insistent that it’s a meaningless concept unless it can be felt by the perpetrator, which then becomes an excuse for your child not to feel any uncomfortable feelings about their behaviour.

A sorry is a two way interaction.

MitochondriaUnited · 27/11/2024 16:39

And get how many children are thinking that saying Sorry is enough to get them off the hook of anything….

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