“Stop forcing your toddler to say sorry”

[Caarri]

Now I’ll lead with, I’ve not forced my toddler (3) to. Over time we’ve taught him how it’s good to say sorry

So my best example is when he pushes/shoves his younger brother (who’s nearly 1) or smacks him and younger brother cries. I’ve taught him it makes his younger brother sad when he does that and it hurts him. He now does say sorry I don’t think he obviously fully gets the word but he says sorry, gives him a hug and a kiss. So in my eyes I thought that’s good that he recognises it upset baby brother when I explained to him etc

i just seen this post. I’ll attach it with all the points

Instantly made me feel guilt that I’d been teaching my toddler sorry but I didn’t think it was a bad thing?!

thoughts??

Wt ... and we wonder why there's a generation of primary kids who are out of control.

If a toddler does something wrong they need to be told it was wrong, I don't care if it means they feel shame, that's a good thing, they will know that they have to behave differently. All our responses need to be age appropriate but yes they should be taught to say sorry at a young age

The picture is worded very poorly isn’t it

I constantly analyse myself as a mum and try to be the best I can be and I want to shape my boys to be lovely people!

I have encouraged my son to say sorry but he doesn’t just do it when I explained little brother is sad because it hurts when he hits him, he apologies and gives a hug and kiss. If it’s regarding snatching/throwing toys I remove the toy and explain that we don’t do that etc

It’s a loaded discussion isn’t it. Glad to know I’m not an awful mum for encouraging my son to say sorry when he’s hurt his brother etc

I think if it's just a flat 'say sorry' with a cross reaction and no other information then yeah I think this post is pretty accurate, but I always point out to ds the effect of his behaviour 'oh no, it looks like x feels sad because you hurt him.' Give the other person attention and model care 'let me see, would you like a hug' and then tell ds 'we don't hit because it hurts and we don't want to make other people sad - would you like to say sorry to x to help them feel better again?'

And he'll usually say sorry. He's only 2 so still trying to grasp it. I make a point of saying sorry myself and modeling positive behaviours in that respect. So I think when all those things are combined it's fine!

I would also say that shame is kind of a normal emotion - it's something we all experience and it does help us navigate socially in society. So I wouldn't say its a completely harmful emotion in all contexts, as long as its short lived and the child isn't excluded or isolated and they're getting plenty of other positive reinforcement and you're managing situations to try and set them up for a win.

@Caarri ive never told my dcs to say Sorry either.
Because for me, saying sorry when you dont mean it, is simply teaching hypocrisy.

They're adults now.
The world hasn’t stopped and they are polite and caring young men.
Despite some posters will want you to think 😁😁

There's no point getting kids to apologise for accidents like this - it wasn't done on purpose and it won't make her more careful next time. I do think though that mum is allowed to feel annoyed when the kid has spilt something for the 500th time that day.

Ordinary human emotions in parents (such as occasional frustration or impatience) don't damage kids. Personally I try to avoid blame as much as I can, but there is a fine line between trying to do your best as a parent and being fake.

I think if you're someone who has a tendency towards self-analysis you have to balance that with allowing yourself to act instinctively sometimes.

I think forcing a child to say sorry is meaningless but I think teaching a child to apologise for being a twat when said child is being a twat is really important.
Ever been in a relationship of any kind with someone who can't apologise for being a twat? Horrendous people. glares at ex husband 😂
I think if we model the very basic of treat others how you'd like to be treated yourself from early on and discuss why we like people being nice to us and not horrid, we'd end up with much more well rounded adults.

When my kids encounter the children that behave really badly (I have a severely autistic child who will sign sorry or if he's been awful scream it when he processes what's he's done but I'm not including ND kids here) and their parents are just unbothered to explain to their kids they aren't behaving well or even say sorry as a bare minimum I do think the parents are lacking manners and basic skills to raise a nice little human.
My own parents had very few manners (both likely ND but definitely some learning disabilities in there) and it was thanks to the parents of friends I knew how to use cutlery (I don't mean anything fancy, just basic knife and fork) and if I'd hate to think someone saw my parenting and didn't think my kids could apologise or use manners. I as a result became a OTT apologiser so I think there is a middle ground when we teach our kids but ultimately if they're treated with love and respect and taught why they can't do things or have consequences for actions, it's a lot harder to fuck them up than it is just by forcing them to do as we tell them.

If the spelling and grammar were correct it might come across as more than some tik tok self devised influencers 'expert' advice. 🤣

Whoever made that poster is probably the same person that believes you should ask a newborn baby if they can change their nappy!

The example you gave you are teaching your child empathy, I do think if a child does something wrong they should feel shame or how are they going to learn what they are doing is not ok

The whole point of that picture is to make you feel a need strongly enough to “funnel” you to unit free e-book and then hopefully on towards paying for something from them. In that sense it’s been targeted and worded perfectly, touching on your insecurities and worries

Funneling is social media money making 101. https://wearemarketable.co.uk/sales-funnel-for-a-service-business/

Please don’t let things like this affect how you feel
about yourself and parenting. It sounds like you’re doing a good job without this click bait, understanding yourself and your values and thinking about the best way to share that with your child.

Yes. Understanding the funnelling model is really key to a lot of social media nonsense.

They are looking to make you feel bad/worried about something (in this case parental guilt/worry about getting it wrong!) so they can swoop in and provide the solution in their easy, accessible 6 week course!! (Or paid membership. Or webinars. Or downloadables.) The free guide thing is just to get you to sign up for a spammy email newsletter which will bombard you to buy more stuff.

What is wrong with feeling shame when you've done something wrong?

I've never forced my children to say sorry, it's meaningless if they don't actually mean it, it's just words and I don't like how it's a 'pass' to just excuse bad behaviour because it makes it all better by saying sorry.

Instead we talk about the behaviour and why it might have been wrong etc

I disagree that it's the same as please and thank you. Please and thank you are normally genuine. Sorry rarely is!

Sorry does not have to be associated with shame. Sorry does not have to mean "I am a terrible person".

In the previous example about dropping something, oops is essentially working exactly the same as sorry and there's no reason using sorry needs to involve shame.

It's socially acceptable to apologise for accidents and teaching children to do this automatically is part of teaching manners like please and thank you.

If I am at a friends house and drop a drink I say sorry and help to clean it up. I don't think I'm an awful person who deserves endless punishment for it. Sorry is polite. It doesn't even mean "I won't do it again" in that situation, because it's an accident and I cannot promise that.

In these situations, sorry is oops. It's acknowledging you did something you didn't intend to which had inconvenienced them and you wish that hadn't happened.

The other kind of sorry (where you have done something wrong and are promising not to do it again) is important too. That needs more discussion rather than just a "sorry" to ensure they understand, but sorry is still the end result.

I really don't think the kids feeling excess shame are feeling it because of the word sorry. I think they're feeling it because of the other stuff. Because of the "stupid girl why can't you do anything right? Nobody will ever want to play with you." That's nothing to do with sorry!

The other kind of sorry (where you have done something wrong and are promising not to do it again) is important too. That needs more discussion rather than just a "sorry" to ensure they understand, but sorry is still the end result.

But sorry is not the end result, if you're not sorry.

What you are doing is teaching empathy and social convention to a 3 year old in an age appropriate way.

The dissecting etc that the image is aiming for is for older children who have a good understanding of those earlier skills and who shouldnt need the apology reminder and allows them to reflect mindfully on their actions.

Different skills for different ages.

DD was taught to say 'please' and 'thank you' as all young children are, now she's an older teen I've taught her to put her request forward followed by a thank you - it's far more effective and assertive. It assumes that whatever you have requested has been agreed and completed already. It's the difference between a teacher saying "Please, put the chairs on the table" / "Put the chairs on the table, please" where there is an element of choice compared to "Put the chairs on the table. Thank you" where there is no choice and the action is assumed to be completed.

"forced apologie" (instead of apology); "What do you think ... to make it feel better (no closing apostophies); comment "GUIDE" for a free eBook.
I will hazard a guess that the poster who made up the "leaflet" is not an eminent expert on rearing children and I would not be commenting to obtain the free eBook as many scams have spelling/grammatical errors in them. OP, from your description you're doing perfectly fine teaching your older child about how to interact with your younger child.

Ffs. What’s wrong with saying sorry. What a world we’re creating

I agree with @Silvan that shame can serve a purpose.

There are situations where it is not helpful e.g. if a child has no control over their actions (I'm thinking toilet accidents due to illness, not ignoring parents). If children are made to feel bad about things they can't control, this can escalate.

So I guess what I'm saying is there is good and bad shame.

My just 2 year old apologises if he accidentally knocks me with a toy. I think his parents are doing a great job.

2 year old grandchild

A forced apology is useless. Children learn to carry out their actions and just shove a sorry on the end to 'make it better'.

Teaching empathy, voicing what the hurt party is feeling and helping a child to make it better, might create better decisions in the future. An expectation of a sorry for the hurt party to feel they are validated in their feelings is not shaming.

I work with young children and although you have voiced that the child's actions have made the sibling sad, that's not the words. They are hurt, the child hurt them. Lashing out isn't acceptable. It happens, emotions are very hard to navigate, but the sibling isn't sad. They are in pain from the actions. I always ask 'how would you feel I'd x did that to you?' What would make it better? How can we make it better? Usually they will come up with a good conclusion themselves.

I did similar, often removing mine from the situation, making them crystal clear that the behaviour was unacceptable and what the consequences would be. They often asked to return and apologised without prompt. Consequences stood though, it wasn't a get out.
Meanwhile, there was one child who would hit/ push/ lie/ be rude.. bounce from foot to foot while saying..'sorreee' because mama said 'say sorry' and
they wondered why he wasn't liked..

I had this last week, my DD2 pushed her friend over which she's never done before and I was so mortified I did stand there and tell her to say sorry....I see now that it was pointless and I should have explained to her how he must be feeling etc and just tried to encourage empathy. It's so hard in the moment, but I do agree with this post. In the future I will approach differently, but we all do it wrong sometimes.