Please advise on my family party dilemma

[OutingMeself]

Name changed as this is very outing! Situation: I'm turning 70 next Spring. I'm planning a family get-together to celebrate (or commiserate) being the first of my siblings to reach Proper Old Age. I live in the back of beyond and family's scattered around the country, so my plan is to host everyone at a nice hotel near here. I'd be paying for dinner and the rooms.

If everyone comes, it will be 20 adults and cost around £3,000.

The first part of my problem is that I'm a State pensioner and this will be all the money I've been saving for things I need at home - appliances and furniture. It'll leave me with nothing, I'll have to start saving again from scratch.

The second part is that one of my sisters has ghosted me. I don't feel I should invite her - she's likely to accept and then blank me on the night. But she has adult DC that I haven't seen for years now. I don't know whether to ask them (and their partners, kids). If they came, it could rekindle the cousin relationships amongst their generation, and I'd like to catch up with them. But even asking them will, I suspect, aggravate the tensions with my sister.

I like to think everyone would come, everyone would be lovely, and I'd have a big happy memory to see me through the next year of determined saving for boring but necessary stuff. The reality is there's likely to be tension - and should I be investing everything in a party at all? There's no sensible alternative due to distances, I have to either host guests for the night or abandon the idea altogether.

Personally I think you would be mad to do this. You can't afford it, the cousins likely won't see each independently and rekindle relationships particularly if they don't live near to each other.

I have great relationships with my cousins, we see each other at weddings, funerals, baptisms and big birthdays. I would never expect my aunt to fund an event like that.

I think you should do something you can afford and with people you want to spend your time with.

Spending all your savings on a party is just bonkers! What if your fridge / cooker / boiler / car breaks down and needs replacing?

Can't you just suggest meeting for a big pub lunch where people pay for their own food? Maybe say the first drinks are on you?

Just include your sis on the invite regardless of whether you think she will turn up or not. It would be weird to invite her adult children but not her and would make you appear very petty.

I think there is too much emphasis put on celebrating birthdays these days. You really should not be considering funding this event which will use up all your savings. You can’t be sure everyone will attend and you certainly can’t guarantee that everyone will get on or that the cousins will renew their relationship. In other words you could spend all your savings and not have happy memories or even a pleasant experience. Do you have children? If so, organise something with them. If not, do you have a few good friends you could take out for afternoon tea or go to a spa with?
Oh, I just remembered what we did in Covid. You send everyone afternoon tea and you all eat together while talking on zoom. Even friends from America joined in (they provided their own tea!)

Don't spend money on a party with dreams of rekindling family relationships, this has a huge potential to go so wrong and you would be very upset if it all went tits up.

Save your money and spend it on something that benefits you.

Sorry but this is a really irresponsible idea. Have a small and cheaper party for immediate family and hang on to your savings which you are bound to need in the future.

Don't waste all your savings on a party.

Why is costing you so much? Surely you can invite people to an event and they pay their own way? Your dear close friends and family must know a state pensioner can't be expected to drop 3k on a party? Either others chip in or reduce the budget. Nobody wants you to skint yourself. As for your sister, it's up to you if you think it will make you happy for her to be there, then encourage it. If not then it'll be easier without anyone who causes stress.
And happy birthday! It's all about you enjoying yourself, so don't be afraid to ask for help organising it. X

I wouldn't hold the party but I would celebrate and invite everyone you love.
Is there someone who might be prepared to host it for you if you contributed to the costs, say a few hundred quid?

I held a 70th for a relative and was really happy to do so, they contributed a bit and I did the organising and food and put everyone up (we have the space)

Or you could invite everyone to somewhere but make it clear they need to pay for themselves?

Everything you say makes sense, @Wishimaywishimight, except for the pub lunch alternative! They'd all be driving halfway across the country from different places. This is why we never have full family get-togethers.

Don’t pay for the rooms, just for dinner. Say you won’t need any presents and people can use that money to travel.

Do you have a big enough garden to invite people to camp? You said you're in the middle of nowhere so I wondered. You could do hot dogs, everyone brings what they want to drink etc?

People pay for accommodation at destination weddings- could you suggest somewhere with a range of accom options nearby?
Sounds like you are putting a lot of pressure costs to hopefully make happy memories. Please think again.

This is a good compromise, isn't it?

I think fewer people would come - but if I were replying to myself here, I'd tell myself to stick with people who think I'm worth the effort & expense!

Sadly people will cancel on you even if they say they are coming. We even had people cancel for my dad's 90th with rubbish excuses and they didn't even need to travel.

I suspect your hopes for this party will not be realised and you will have no money left.

Could you do a more suitable location where you travel and most of the others don't?

No, sadly! There's a community centre but that wouldn't cost much less. The hotel's a really good country pub.

Remember that the day and the celebration is for you.

I hope you have a lovely birthday regardless of which decision you make.

Oh, god, really? Your poor dad! And you, if you organised it ...

I hadn't thought of doing the travelling myself! How thick am I?! Half the family's within easy reach of London. I should look into that.

Definitely do not pay for accommodation. Personally, I'd go on bucket list nice holiday somewhere instead and save the rest! Birt

In that case OP, could you do a deal with the pub for the rooms and food, ask everyone but make it clear that they will need to pay for themselves? And if your sister will be horrible don't invite her.

For £1000 you could go somewhere really nice that you want to go and have those memories and still have £2k in your savings account.
And no worries about cancellations/ ghosting relatives.

Exactly. It will show you who cares.
If you spend £3000 your ghosting sibling could ruin things and if things feel strained because you all haven’t seen each other for ages, you would be left feeling deflated and broke.
Celebrate, but not to the point you will be left penniless.

Do you have much contact with the potential invitees, I mean are you close and friendly even if it's just texts and cards at Christmas. Do they mark your birthday ordinarily with a gift and/or greeting. When's the last time you all got together apart from wedding?

What I'm trying to say is that sometimes we live with a Walton's Family ideal in our heads, and while the vision is great, the reality may not be, and of course that could lead to horrible disappointment for you. That may not be the case, but I'd think it through very well before arranging anything.

I think if it were me, I'd travel to London (or the nearest place suitable for all) and have a lunch (not dinner to give you time to get there and home, along with everyone else), and have your siblings even the Ghost Buster one 😉. together with their partners confirm first. Then you can open it up to their children and see what falls out of it. Budget for the number for lunch and drinks and see how it matches your budget. Less than 1k definitely would be my target, allowing you to have a gathering, but leave a few bob for other essentials you might need.

Give it another bit of thought before diving into anything expensive for you.

If a lot of the people you want to come live nearer each other than you, can you spend the money on a really swanky hotel somewhere they could go there and back in a day? Then you could host drop-in visits all day in the hotel lounge, then lunch or dinner for anyone who wants to. Up to them if they want to stay at the hotel and make a night of it.

That also means you wouldn’t be out of pocket for people who you book a room for and they cancel last minute. And perhaps less of a big deal if some of your nieces and nephews pop by and their mum doesn’t?