Looking for some advice about my 10 year old daughter

[Juno86]

She’s just turned 10 a few weeks ago and it’s like a switch has flipped 🤦🏻‍♀️

She’s always been kind, sensitive, and quite “strait laced”, for want of a better word. Not one for breaking the rules. She’s bright as a button, a voracious reader, loves school, has a good group of friends.

And I’m still seeing these things. But she’s changing. It’s hard to articulate but I’ll try.

Firstly she started pushing back on little things. Uniform, for example. Wants to wear black leggings and trainers to school, which strictly speaking is not within the uniform policy. I don’t mind that, she finds tights uncomfortable and doesn’t like the school trousers, quite a few of them wear leggings and the school aren’t that strict. I bought her black trainers and some nice new leggings. Fine - but I did notice that this was a rule (albeit one that’s not really enforced) she was deliberately breaking. I actually was secretly quite pleased to see her pushing back a little bit.

But it’s escalated from there. Her sleep is atrocious. She goes to bed 8.30-9pm during the week (and we’re more relaxed at weekends) but can still be awake and pottering at midnight. I tuck her in with a book several times a night but she just won’t try to sleep. I can’t make her. It doesn’t matter how much I explain how important it is. Mornings are consequently very difficult, she won’t get up, we end up falling out. She suddenly does not care if she’s late.

Her mood swings are pretty extreme. She cries a LOT suddenly but can’t articulate why. She lurches between being very clingy with me and screaming bloody murder at me. I asked her to tidy her bedroom today (an utter pigsty) and she screamed that I am ruining her life. Then when I calmed her down she made me sit with her and watch a film, head on my lap, wouldn’t let me leave. She suddenly hates doing things like going for walks and will ruin it for everyone else with her moods and stomping around.

She’s very clever in her class but is stressing herself out about her schoolwork (her teacher is emphatic that she has no concerns about her work and that she’s doing really well). I feel like she’s putting a lot of pressure on herself suddenly. I don’t know why - it’s not coming from us? I’ve explained to her over and over that she’s doing fine, her best is all we can ask, but she doesn’t seem to be taking it on board.

She’s a young 10 compared to some of her peers. Isn’t remotely interested in fashion/skincare/tiktok etc like some of them. Doesn’t have a phone and has never expressed much of an interest in one (I’ve said not until secondary anyway). Loves her teddies and squishmallows, plays Barbie with her sister etc. I love that about her, that she’s young. She seems to be well-liked in her class, her friends are lovely and seem to be on her wavelength. We’ve had some minor issues with fall-outs lately but nothing too bad so far.

I think I just want to know if this is normal for this sort of age. I’m quite worried about her. I think a lot of this is likely because she’s exhausted (but I don’t really know what to do about that, I’ve tried changing her bedtime etc but she just refuses to close her eyes). But the crying for no reason also screams hormones to me. Would that be right? It would be great to hear from others with kids around this age, and what they are like.

(Sorry this is an actual book but once I started I couldn’t stop…).

All sounds pretty normal to me.

My DD is now 17 but I remember there being a good few years around from starting high school when she was just horrid. It definitely peaked around 13/14 for us where I could have merrily strangled her half the time.

Edited to add: her circadian rhythm definitely changed around this time and she is still a real night owl. Frankly, I wasn’t tucking her in at this age and I would be just telling her to stay in her room and not disturb others.

I would get some sanpro at the ready

Try a later bedtime. Not much. She stays in her room and there are consequences if not.

It does sound like typical start of puberty, however. Dd1 was vile at that age. She’s utterly lovely at 17.

Hell no I’m not ready for this 😭

Definitely sounds like she could be nearing to starting her periods.

I found the year before periods started to be the worst, and much as you describe. Once they started, my two became less vile. Good luck!

I started my period in the January and was ten in the April so it's quite possible she will soon be starting her period.

Some of it sounds hormonal .

DD would often cry and when I asked why she wailed even harder that she doesn't know why. I just let her let it all out. With me cuddling her /near her/playing with her hair if she wanted me to or on her own.

It can affect sleep too. She was literally unable to fall asleep and not for lack of trying. I know people will judge, but some nights I've let her come in bed with me because for some reason that eventually allowed her to switch off.

I'd focus on the sleep thing mainly, because being overtired won't help.What does she do in her room for all those hours? What is her bedtime routine?

Yes.

This is completely normal.

You can't force them to sleep at that age.
They do also change sleep pattern and nearly all teenagers naturally stay up late and struggle to get up in the morning,

There are things you can do about this - evening exercise, make sure not hungry (they grow so so much) but explaining she needs sleep won't get you anywhere.

I recommend a sunrise lumie clock for the mornings btw.

Definitely sounds like a hormone surge! However, she needs to know it’s not acceptable to scream that you’re ruining her life and then demand that you watch a film with her. Even though I understand how hard it is to be full of hormones (mine are 9 and 12), she needs to know it’s really not acceptable to speak to you like that and it’s not acceptable to ruin days out for other people too

It is all quite normal, honestly. Your daughter is an individual in her own right and whilst there must be some boundaries, you do need to respect that, op.

As for 'trying to sleep', that is wishful thinking and nigh on impossible. Tucking her in several times is not always welcome ait her age either. She is a big girl now. I wouldn't have liked my mother coming in to me during the evening when I was in bed.

Leave her to read, she'll fall asleep when she is ready.

Unfortunately, not wanting to get up in the morning is also quite normal and is likely to get worse. Teenagers, for example, can sleep for England, unless they have to get up for a specific purpose which involves something they want to do. Generally, only smaller children are early risers (and parents often find that a pain).

Go with the flow as much as you can. Nothing lasts forever. Your daughter sounds great.

Echo what others have said about hormones + period potentially starting.

I approach late tweens/early teens like I did when she was a toddler. Their brains re-wire and they are basically just big toddlers. Strict boundaries but lots of love and make time to do things together. I won't accept rudeness but I also acknowledge the rollercoaster they are feelings.
Screens off at 8pm and just lots of snuggling reading or watching films together
Their circadian rhythm definitely changes around that age and from Yr 6 onwards DD could happily sleep in until midday if I let her.

Shounds very normal to be honest.

My daughter, aged 11, is very similar. It started for her a year or so ago, severe mood swings alternating between being lovely, then shouting at anyone who looked her way, sobbing... When asked what's wrong she never knows and just cries more. All that helps is hugging her tightly until she wants to let go or sitting stroking her hair to calm her.

She struggles to sleep at night too, calls me up to her room about 15 times to tuck her in or hug her then struggles to get up in the morning.

She started secondary school this year and has put a lot of pressure on her self to do well, she's found it hard with the pressure to look a certain way, wear certain clothes, style her hair etc. when at home she is very young still loving to play with her sylvanian families and squishmallows.

I find it all exhausting to be honest and hope that when she starts her periods her hormones and mood swings will settle a little. I've been thinking she must be close to starting for over a year now! I think all you can do is try to stay calm and reasuring for your daughter.

This thread is so comforting, we have exactly the same happening in this house! Sleep in particular has been a nightmare! Sending lots of solidarity 💐

She sounds a lot like my ten year old

I think (hope ) it's normal

Well done for avoiding giving her a phone etc. as I think that makes them worse. I'm the same - she won't be allowed one til high school and then I won't allow her unrestricted access to it.

Btw the word for it is hormotional.

Yes I can definitely relate to this

My other dd was absolutely awful in the couple of yews before she got her periods - she is so much better now at 15 and actually mostly a lovely sweet human

So I'm not looking forward to the next couple of years with my youngest 😫

Thank you. This is making me feel so much better (but emotional at the same time 🥲)

she has a bath most nights then she’ll read for a while. Then she’ll get fed up of reading and she’ll get up and do some drawing or loom bands or play with her marble run or whatever. We don’t do screens after 8pm and they aren’t allowed them in their rooms.

as for tucking her in, she is desperate for me to come into her room at night. She’d have me sitting there all night if she could. She opens up at night. Sometimes if I go in it’s impossible to extract myself. I actually slept in with her the other night because it was 1am and she couldn’t sleep and she was getting upset about it.

she is great. She can however be really cheeky (especially to her dad) and I will tell her off for that. But I’m also trying very hard to be understanding. I’m going to have a chat with her dad tonight, bring him on board with what’s going on with her.

We have the same here dd is 11 it probably started a little after Christmas last year for us, but I could have written your post word for word.

Dd has started secondary school, and moods swings a plenty. No sign of her period yet though.

My 9.5 year old is exactly the same - since September it’s like she’s turned from a bouncy happy and mostly enthusiastic child into a moody, self doubting, argumentative and shouty tweenager. No phone, but plenty of teenagery interest in brands, music, toiletries 🙄 etc. Sleeping at bedtime has always been an issue but has got worse.

Actually I remember her older sister being tricky at this age too but it was more usual from her so I didn’t spot such a dramatic change.

as for tucking her in, she is desperate for me to come into her room at night. She’d have me sitting there all night if she could. She opens up at night. Sometimes if I go in it’s impossible to extract myself

Snap!!!

My 10 year has also started wanting me to sleep in with her and is inconsolable if I don't. I always used to be able to sit with her while she fell asleep and then she'd be fine the rest of the night. Now she wants me to lie in the bed and if I manage to leave she will come and get me when she inevitably wakes up. I am kind of glad I'm not alone in this but it's not fun. I haven't slept properly for months!

I let mine stay up later, that seemed to work well for us all.

My usually level headed kids had a little wobble at this age and it only lasted a few months.

Keep a cool head, don't bite too much at her mood, the storm will pass. A bit of extra space and time and patience. Use the time she wants you in the evening to delve a littler deeper and make sure she does feel content with all aspects of her life.

Perhaps she's feeling pressure from other children because she is acting like a typical 10 year old and not been accelerated into teenage years that young.

If mine can't sleep I sometimes let them play some relaxing music with headphones on and also tell them to focus on the blobs of colours that soon appear after you close your eyes, a bit like meditation and it can soon send them off to sleep. 🙂

Totally normal! I started my periods at age 9 and then age 10 I went totally batshit and was constantly in tears or screaming, was diagnosed years and years later with pmdd. I remember flouncing downstairs aged 10 having raided my mams wardrobe for her funeral clothes and claimed them as my own, had also backcombed all my hair and was furious I didn't receive loads of compliments for my new look (except from my mam 😂) still a goth now!
But in all seriousness, it's such a strange time, i think as we get older we can't remember much, but every little thing at that age seems like the biggest deal, you're hyper aware of everything.
I was quite a young pre teen and was ridiculed for it, it made me very sad cos my Barbies and Polly Pockets made me happy, but suddenly I was a dork for having them!