Would you complain about this nurse? Even though it was nearly a year ago?

[TheOnlyWayisGerard]

Hi,

The reason I'm thinking about it now is because my baby currently has a fever and is a little off it, so it's reminded me.

My DS was admitted to hospital January 2024 with Sepsis/UTI. He was 18 days old on admission. We'd been sent to A+E via 111 and had to watch him go through a lumbar puncture and several attempts to put in a cannula.

Anyway, at the time DS did not like sleeping alone, as is usual for newborns. I coslept with him in the hospital bed, DP and I mainly slept in shifts if we were both there. We returned from a walk to the on-site cafe on about day two to find a leaflet about safe sleeping, so the staff obviously noticed we had been cosleeping, but no one said anything directly until another nurse came on shift in the afternoon.

This new nurse was more experienced than the others we had met, and said she'd been doing the job for many years, but her opinions bothered me. She told us that DS needed to learn to sleep in his own bed and that he was 'manipulating' us into bringing him into bed. 'Babies are crafty' was a phrase that sticks in my mind that she used. It upset me at the time, as I was obviously worried about my baby being ill. She didn't focus on it being unsafe, or not recommended, just that he needed to be in his own bed or he'd never sleep alone. And that he was crying on purpose to get what he wanted.

I didn't complain at the time, I had too much on my mind with DS being so unwell. I just sat there whilst she spoke at me. I was tired and scared. I wish I had. He's not my first, so I'm a little more seasoned than perhaps a vulnerable first time parent would be. DS sleep in his own room now btw.

I'm just a little worried that a paediatric nurse seems to know little about child development and the capabilities of very small babies.

Would you complain even after nearly a year? Or would you just leave it now?

Let it go, why rake it up now?

I think the time has gone. There are still people around with outdated ideas.

Hope your little one is now fit and well.

She was stupid and way behind updated thinking, but a lot of them are. As are doctors, some of the rubbish they come out with beggars belief. Just let it go, it's not worth bothering with. You're always going to get some odd beliefs from hcps.

An 18 day old is hardly being 'crafty'
She is correct about alder babies/ toddlers
And yes the leaflet about co-sleeping with new borns is good advice, not so good for mums and babies as babies do imo sleep better co-sleeping but not with the risk (so many risks when they are so tiny!)

I wouldn't complain but I do think your feelings are justified

she had an opinion you didn't like and that's ok too

Not 12months on.

Leave it.

There is probably a hospital policy telling nursing staff not to allow co sleeping. She was probably following this policy but adding her own reasoning.

Thanks all, I suspected too much time had probably lapsed now, it was just on my mind as I said.

DS is fine now, thank you. He's since had scans and other tests to check for any lasting damage and takes a low dose antibiotic until a full year has passed, but everything looks fine so far

Not a year on. She'd been entitled to tell her side of the story too but how is she to remember something from a year ago? Completely unfair. Also, you'd be met with some gentle skepticism (sort of skepticism, I can't think of the correct word right now) because memories are not the most accurate at the best of times.

When ds2 was 8 months he was in hospital for 2 weeks one of us, me, dad or a nurse depending on busy they were/ how knackered I was always cuddled him to sleep (they would rather do it than me co sleeping as I was so tired).
he’s now a healthy 19 year old, as others had said let it go but sometimes as a mum you have to do what you have to do to get through it indcluding co sleeping.

Paediatric staff advise no co sleeping/safe sleeping. She didn’t go about it the most professional way. But it’s not allowed on any wards i’ve worked on. It makes access to the child more difficult and unsafe when doing obs and looking after a sick child. Staff are fully aware what people choose to do in their own homes but official advise has to be followed.

It’s too late to complain a year later she may not even be there anymore

No I wouldn't complain about that. Here is why.

Pre children I was not a nurse but a child protection Safeguarder and solicitor.

In two cases which will haunt me to the day I die, children were removed and parents accused of abuse, suffocation or smothering to be precise.

Many others reached me but with not the same level of injury.

I was told I would never have children, then I adopted and did carry.

I have coslept "safely" with one natural and one adopted out of my four.

It absolutely destroyed me after what I had seen parents accused of.

So I would respect that a nurse may have reasons for her views, and respect that every baby is different and that advice, however given, is different to a child being removed.

The nurse was right- but for the wrong reasons. Co-sleeping with an unwell newborn is a SIDS risk, and makes it hard for the staff to observe and monitor safely. But newborns are not crafty- and at home, safe co-sleeping can be great. I'd not bother to complain this late in the day though.

I'm a paediatric nurse. There is absolutely no way we would have allowed you to co sleep in a bed with a 13 day old baby while in hospital. Especially if they are unwell. What you do at home is your own business. But we have to give safe sleeping advice. The nurse probably should not have said what she said. But it's not worth a complaint. Let it go.

I understand why she said something, the cosleeping wasn't ideal. As I said, we mainly slept in shifts anyway (DP is self employed so took a few days off, but he popped home a few times to shower/eat/sort home stuff out). We'd just both fallen asleep one night because we were shattered I think.

It was the language she used which bothered me, rather than the overall message, but my gut was that it'd been too long now to make a complaint.

It’s not that Co sleeping ‘isn’t ideal’ - Co sleeping is fine if done safely.

You had an ill newborn, and modern hospital beds are not designed for it and have a potentially lethal gap on the side between the mattress and the side of the bed.

Babies have died. I would let this one go.

Apologies, I meant cosleeping in that situation wasn't ideal, we did it safely at home before and after being in hospital. But I totally understand why it isn't good in a hospital bed. As I said, I know why she said it, it was her delivery, I just thought that she focussed on the wrong reasons, and lacked a bit of an understanding of newborn behaviour if she thought he was capable of behaviour that doesn't develop until much later on.

I'll let this one go though, it's helped just writing it here and seeing other peoples perspectives.

And you’re not wrong - her views are outdated.

Hell no. You need to seriously get over a misplaced comment made over a year ago. Focus on your child and not a silly comment from a year ago. Unless you really have absolutely nothing else in your life to do.

People are insane about co sleeping. Im a nurse and would never do it. I wouldn’t complain this long after

Perhaps she didn’t want to scare you by saying the real reasons they didnt want you to co sleep in hospital (SIDS risk) or the other nurses told her you had been warned but had ignored the advice and she was trying a different angle.

She may have used the admittedly nonsense comments about babies manipulating adults etc as a way she thought you might buy into to get the outcome they wanted ie baby in cot and you in bed

Being exhausted as you said is a risk factor for SIDS on top of other risk factors like the baby being unwell.

Regardless it’s far too long ago to complain now and would just mean them wasting time generating a response acknowledging your upset etc etc and not actually create any genuine education amongst the team (which I assume would be what you are aiming for)

Glad your DC recovered ok

@Westofeasttoday

Thank you for your measured response. You're right, I have absolutely nothing else going on in my life. As I sit here with my baby asleep on me because he won't settle as he's not well, it just reminded me of it so I used this forum as a sounding bored of something that niggled me slightly.

Obviously I'm a total loser with no life because I'm the only person who ever dwells on anything that's happened in the past. Especially when it happened less than 48 hours after I was genuinely frightened that my baby was going to die. I was three weeks postpartum, and certain comments stuck with me. If you read my posts, I've said I suspected the advice would be to drop it, and I've fully accepted that.

I really, really hope it made you feel better getting your snide comment in.

I can see it's stuck with you but this is really not something you need to bring up. It was a complex situation, sounds like you've hung on to this because it made you feel bad at a time you already felt crap because your baby was ill? We always blame ourselves when that sort of stuff happens, totally illogically, so I reckon she just trod a bit hard on that nerve when what she was actually trying to do was get your baby in the safest place for him at that time. Make your peace with it, you didn't harm your baby and his illness was nobody's fault.

I didn’t say you were a loser and I didn’t call you names. You did that as a passive aggressive way to make a point. But thanks for your “snide comments” to write your response. The irony is not lost on me.

I have been there and far worse so frankly it wasn’t a snide comment but more get a grip and move on. If it had happened last week fair enough but it was a year ago and it was a comment. People aren’t perfect and it wasn’t a nice comment but why would you want to revisit it and complain? You haven’t moved on in a year hence your post and comments.

Your baby being unwell now no matter how unsettling or concerning isn’t relevant to your original post but a ploy for sympathy.

Concentrate on your baby and you’ll be fine.

Unfortunately, if every nurse who expressed personal opinions was spoken to/disciplined/sacked they'd leave in droves and there'd be about 10 left in each hospital. You just have to let what nurses/HVs/MWs say wash over you if it's not directly related to the thing you're seeing them about.