Ugh.. nativity play drama

[Theak]

So DD (6) has been given one of the main speaking roles in her school nativity play. Lovely- she’s an outgoing little girl who loves to perform.

DD came out of school excited to tell me. I was standing with her best friend’s mum. Best friend was upset she didn’t get a speaking part at all. I gave DD a hug and said that was very exciting and then changed the subject for the 5 mins we were with her best friend and mum.

The mum said to me that it was nice for my DD but hers is never considered for things like this because she’s quiet in class. She was very frosty to me. She has also made comments recently about kids doing extra curricular activities making things unfair.

Im not really sure what to do or how to react. I don’t want the relationship to sour and affect our DDs’ friendship. I’m not going to take DD out of hobbies she loves to do and I can’t change her personality!

Nothing you can do...you just have to let it go...let her get on with it. Sorry if this seems a bit harsh but honestly it's her problem not yours or DD.

What Kaleidoscopic101 said. 👍

You need to parent your child, and let others parent their children. That old adage "comparison is the thief of joy" definitely applies to parenting.

My eldest was the quiet type... she would have hated being given a big role. It was considered a massive achievement when she spoke one short sentence in Yr3 in the play. That is the only line she has ever spoken on stage alone... but she's in the school musical singing and dancing (Yr9). Loves that.

DD2 was the confident type who got the biggest parts in Preschool, reception and Yr2. Chosen because the teachers knew it would work.

I can see where she's coming from, my child is never picked either despite being very outgoing. She's just not the teacher's favourite!

Nothing you can do but assuming they are in the same year then I think it’s badly handled by the school not to give a speaking part to every child who wants one. Even if just a line.

You can think this but surely your beef would be with the teacher? You wouldn’t be annoyed at the parent of the kids who do get picked?

Yes this is a good point.. but again, not my fault

She's unlikely to be annoyed at you, she's probably just upset! When I'm upset in that way, I'm not the best company and if that makes me a horrible person then so be it. I just find it very hard to be chatty & upbeat when I'm hurting, for any reason. It's hard to see your child being REPEATEDLY rejected and being unable to do anything about it, it hurts.

@Theak Who said she was annoyed at you specifically? Is she not allowed to be upset in your presence?

Ok .. this is helpful. I’m worrying that she’s annoyed at me but she could just be letting off steam.

She just switched from friendly to frosty… I guess I assumed?

Just ignore her sour face. Honestly, until my dd was one of the oldest in the school (Y5/6) she didn’t get a significant part in any of the plays. My ds (Y2) is always some animal in the background. Who cares?! 🤷🏻‍♀️ Honestly, everyone has their thing they shine at. It’s not standing up and reciting lines for lots of them. I could not imagine getting upset about that. It sounds like your friend is acting out some unresolved shit of her own. Let her and just carry on. Be pleased for your dd. It’s a lovely gesture.

I take it that she can't do extra curricular because of finances/logistics?
She's not really upset with you, she's upset that she can't offer her child those same opportunities your child has.
So I would cut her some slack.

Are you sure she was actually being frosty with you? Or just upset for her daughter. I can see why she'd be hurt and being upset doesn't mean she's upset with you.

Let her be, she'll get over it. If she doesn't, well , the only alternative is to get your DD to change , which is not going to happen is it? So she'll have to work on her kid and her confidence , or learn to suck it up.

DD was always random camel or tree or whatever. She would've hated a main role and she was the shy/quiet type. She's more confident now, but still not a fan of performing in front of an audience. Which is a good thing really as she's pretty awful at it anyway.

This. I'd wager she's upset because she can't afford extra curriculars and she thinks her DC is being left behind because of it.

It's pure jealousy.

If she continues to be frosty with you, I'd gently mention it to her.

"Jane, is everything ok between us? I've been wracking my brains trying to figure out if I've done something to offend you...it seems like everything was ok until Friday, then you seemed angry with me about the Nativity. Can you help me understand?

She's got no right to take her moodiness out on you or your child. She needs to grow up!

Congratulations to your DD! Don't let her frostiness sour the moment.

Jane, is everything ok between us? I've been wracking my brains trying to figure out if I've done something to offend you...it seems like everything was ok until Friday, then you seemed angry with me about the Nativity. Can you help me understand?

Cringe.

Don't do this. The faux naiive 'oh whatever could be the matter?' 🤢

You know what's the matter. Your kid was chosen over hers and she's got sour grapes. Just be a grown up and ignore it.

She may have been annoyed her child was upset and passed over due to being "quiet". I agree it wouldn't be directed at you (unless she's very unreasonable). You didn't gloat or make a big issue over it, some mums do!

I do think it's a bit early for her to feel her child is "always" passed over like @VegTrug was saying - they are only 6yo so not really time for a track record, so surely can't be this! I would expect her to behave normally going forward when her initial disappointment wears off.

Oh of course I won’t do this. I’m definitely not going to exacerbate a situation a don’t want to be in anyway.

Yes I think that’s part of it. I guess looking at it now it seems obvious- if there’s something she can’t do she’ll come up with 10 reasons why it’s not worth doing anyway.

It is not necessarily sour grapes as such, my child was always overlooked, never picked for anything , and other children picked often. She loves performing but is naturally quiet at other times. She didn’t get chosen for sport either. We obviously played it down but she would get upset, and so whilst I played it down, I was upset for her. We moved schools ( for a range of reasons) and she is chosen more regularly ( it is all down much more fairly) . The difference in her confidence is huge. So while hopefully she is not annoyed with your child, it’s fine to be disappointed for her child, and know the impact it may have on them.

We have teens
We went through many primary school Christmas plays.

Want to know how much it really matters?

It doesn't. Not in the slightest.

We had a mix of "bigger" "smaller" parts, but we miss the Christmas primary plays. They were cute, fun, hilarious, chaotic and totally kick started the festive season.

And isn't that what it's all about? Just being part of something? Not every child is going to be a big part.

What exactly can you do OP?

Ours was donkey in preschool and reception, year 1 everyone knew their parts mine didn't so asked the next day pick up, teacher said "what do you want?" I said "kinda thinking hat trick donkey". "Oh it's one better than donkey".
I thought about it for a moment "camel?"
Yes camel
No speaking whatsoever
It was brilliant.
(He's presently choosing GCSE drama, a confident public speaker/debater - never said a word in any nativity plays)

It really doesn't matter OP. Enjoy your child, the whole performance. For just what it is. Don't worry about other mum you can only deal with the part your child is given. And as I said doesn't matter (our eldest got narrator all sorts hates public speaking/drama now). It really really makes no difference.

Oh, don't be so ridiculous. That's up there with the old hackneyed cliche of "kids of PTA members."

I know it plays into a narrative to believe parts go to ‘favourites’, but I’ve never, in 25 years seen that happen.

Parts go to kids who want parts, have the personality to do them (not very shy for example), have a clear speaking voice, or a lovely singing voice if it’s a solo line in a song etc.

If a child is very quiet and shy in class, they’re not going to stand on stage and speak in front of 150 adults, are they? A lot of children don’t actually want big speaking parts, in my experience.

@Theak probably kind not to talk about it much, to anyone really. It’s not a big deal.