Ugh.. nativity play drama

[Theak]

So DD (6) has been given one of the main speaking roles in her school nativity play. Lovely- she’s an outgoing little girl who loves to perform.

DD came out of school excited to tell me. I was standing with her best friend’s mum. Best friend was upset she didn’t get a speaking part at all. I gave DD a hug and said that was very exciting and then changed the subject for the 5 mins we were with her best friend and mum.

The mum said to me that it was nice for my DD but hers is never considered for things like this because she’s quiet in class. She was very frosty to me. She has also made comments recently about kids doing extra curricular activities making things unfair.

Im not really sure what to do or how to react. I don’t want the relationship to sour and affect our DDs’ friendship. I’m not going to take DD out of hobbies she loves to do and I can’t change her personality!

No PTA membership here! The other mum helps out waaay more than I ever have with school trips, fayres etc. I’m that mum who constantly forgets to fill in the reading diary etc

In fact.. perhaps she has been given a part with loads of lines to punish me in some way 😁

The best thing to do is have the conversation - oh what?! Your Annabel didn't get a speaking part? That's not fair at all. What are you going to do? Do you think you can talk to the teacher?

Or, oh that's not fair, even if she is quiet in class, if she wants a part in the play - she should have been given one! Poor Annabel. What are you going to do?

Extra curricular
'Oh, how is it making things unfair? (Validate/sympathise with her reply) and say - that's really not right. Have you spoken to the teacher? It shouldn't matter what they're doing extra curricular, they should all be treated fairly in school. What are you going to do?

This way - you are listening, sympathising, even agreeing and then kindly saying - what are YOU going to do about it? Which does two things - shows your on her side but also makes her realise, it is down to her to fix these issues.

Just keep your tone sympathetic. Imagine she was a friend outside of school - like a colleague in work and she was telling you this - react the same way.

Basically don't personalise it, take yourself out of the picture because you really haven't done anything wrong.

Really, most people just want to be misunderstood and heard when they're feeling crappy about something.

No, please DON'T suggest she talks to the teacher. Nothing more irritating when you've spent hours and hours sorting out casting for a school play and then parents line up to whinge about it.

Actually disagree with some of this, sometimes quiet shy children come alive on stage and it’s the making of them. Never judge a book by its cover.

Dd always got decent parts. She's loud and confident. The two occasions she stepped back to take smaller roles the lead parts bottled it at the last minute and dd was pushed forward. She knew everybody's words.
Performing was her thing.

I always feel sad about this - comparison is the thief of joy isn’t it. To echo others, my eldest is now in secondary and his primary school performances are a very distant memory. But I can understand your friend’s disappointment. I think you handled it well, with diplomacy and kindness. Hopefully her child will find their own opportunities to shine in other areas as they grow.

We have teens
We went through many primary school Christmas plays.
Want to know how much it really matters?
It doesn't. Not in the slightest.

It's very easy to say "oh it didn't matter" when you're looking back.

But actually to lots of children at the time it does matter, and it's no comfort to a child who is upset at 6yo that they'll not mind about it in 10 years' time.

i.e. kids who aren't likely go off "sick" unexpectedly for 2 weeks and come back after the play is finished with a tan, who always have their homework done and will learn their lines, and whose parents will make the effort to make sure they turn up on time and with the right costume. Because Mary not turning up to the evening performance, or showing up at 7pm when the show started at 6:30pm, because her Mum couldn't be arsed isn't Mary's fault but it does kind of ruin it for Joseph and all the other kids.

I'll admit that I'm still slightly bitter, ten years later, that DD didn't get a singing role in her primary Leavers Play. Bloody Narrator again for the nth time.

DD was one of about three kids in her year who could actually hold a tune.

This is 100% not your drama or your problem. Just forget about it. If the Mum continues to be frosty then she's no great loss- you have years of primary school to go and there will be loads of things like this. Not all kids can be picked for everything. Even the most egalitarian nativities will have some bigger parts than others.

I once spent ages slaving away allocating nativity parts and divvying it up fairly. Only to find out all the parents were slagging me off on the WhatsApp anyway as it was an alternative nativity with them all as animals and they wanted them to be angels/ kings etc. Then there was a drama about costumes. They loved it in the end but omg there is a reason teachers dread nativities!

I can't believe how many of you have this "big speaking part", "small speaking part", "no speaking part" dynamic. My DC's primary did plays where every child had exactly the same amount of speaking - about 3 sentences, evenly spaced throughout the play. Why don't all primaries do that?!?!

As for your friend, agree with a PP that you are probably projecting the "frosty with you" part. She was probably just upset and therefore quiet. I just wouldn't bring it up and carry on as normal.

I'd say most of the pre bought nativities from Out of the Ark etc don't have this format though and most teachers don't want to spend ages writing one with exactly 30 equal parts.

I do think a child having no lines sounds a bit off (unless they really don't want any) but it really isn't OP's problem.

It depends on the plays and what set up they come with. It's an incredibly busy time of year and tinkering with the format can take ages.

It also depends on the children, some actually wouldn't manage 3 lines or even want to.

Just ignore the comments.

Mine was the one who never got a speaking part then in year 6 all the quiet ones got the main roles and the usual favourite performers were suddenly supporting actors. It was a great play

DD (teenager) is still pissed about how plays were done in primary. In hers it was the same 4 same children who had the parts for 5 years.
DD was always in the choir which didn’t even go on stage, they were hidden behind! There was a row in year 6 as I didn’t take her in for the Christmas show (at night) because she was in something else where she was on stage.
She did once stand in for someone sick in a presentation in year 5 and did incredibly well and school made a big thing about ringing me to make sure I was there because she was so good. She was. Never picked her for anything else.

Nativity however they made sure every single child was on stage at some point and seen. That’s all I wanted. If you have to take a half day from work I actually want to see them. Speaking parts are less important.

If you have a child that doesn’t quite fit in or join in or get picked or celebrated for anything, moments like this can be emotional. When your child is side by side with other children that find life a lot easier and their parents are happy, it’s hard to take. I’ve definitely seemed “frosty” when I’ve been holding back the tears.

Then parents need to manage their child’s disappointment. Many times through life children will be disappointed and it’s a parents job to manage that.

This is good advice thanks.