Have you ever been disappointed by a parent who you thought the world of?

[heartbroken22]

My dad was my hero as a kid till I became a teen. My mum turned him against me and I was seen as the problem child. Till this day as an adult I've felt abandoned especially when it comes to support. It doesn't matter who's right or wrong he'll always defend my mother or my sister. Me and my younger sister are always in the wrong.

I can understand why I felt and feel how I do. I went to look 'outside' for love and attention but it didn't always work out. How about you?

Not exactly but I do remember the exact moment that I realised who my Father really was when I was around 9.

I adored my MIL for the first 10 years of my marriage until she did something so awful that any positive feelings I had for her were extinguished in an instant and her follow up reinforced that. I used to feel very lucky when I read about awful MIL's on here but I realised who she really was and it was pretty devastating for me as I don't trust easily.

Do you mean like the wasn't a nice man? I have a similar memory too like my world came crashing down thinking my strong man was weakling.

No, I realised he was a liar and would promise the world and deliver nothing. I had always been a Daddys girl and I realised how much he was turning aginst me as I developed opinions of my own and was starting to step out of the pigeon hole he had put me in.
Many years later I was training on MH and personality disorders for a job I was taking and when I was reading a definition of NPD there might as well have been a photo of him, and this was 20 year ago before the term was thrown around freely.

Ohh I'm so sorry. Yes I know what u mean totally. I feel neglected as a child too.

I was abused as a kid by someone that my parents left to care for me occasionally (it was necessary - there was no choice - I understood and understand that). I thought they didn't know. Then one day, in my 20s I plucked up the courage to tell them after a TV program on child abuse, and they brushed it off - "oh, yes, we knew that was happening, but what could we do, that's why we stopped them looking after you after a bit"

I'd been brooding on this for years, it had affected so much of my childhood, how I acted, what I did, and having them brush it off as if it was nothing, that they'd never thought to check in on me, drove a massive wall between us, that I don't think they even really realise is there, but I could never feel the same way about them after it.

I thought my dad was great until he left us when I was 10. He came back but the damage was done. Then as a teen he was belittling and cruel, always finding ways to deprive us of anything that he didn't deem essential. My mother did, and still does, pretty much everything to keep the family together and going.

That's ok though, I learned from this and chose the exact opposite man to be my DH and father to my DC and that is very healing.

No. From the age of around eight, I was very aware that my parents, while well-meaning, were simply not very good at managing the world, and were unable or unwilling to engage with it, or protect me from it. It had a longtime negative impact on me, but I suppose the upside is that I was never disappointed in them because I knew they were in many ways 'younger' than me. I was a parentified child from a very young age.

Yes, because they are human so cannot possibly be the heroes I looked up to as a child.

But I grew up and understood that.

Good god @RecycleMePlease I'm so sorry

Similar to @Hoppinggreen - my MIL was great for first few years but then her and FIL did something which I consider very out of order to my partner so my estimation of them has gone down and I feel very sorry for my partner now. He is more forgiving than me!

My dad was my hero until I hit puberty. I remember I used to dote on him and think he was a superhero. Always wanted his attention and approval. Then I became a teen and had my own thoughts and opinions and he didn’t like it. He just started ignoring me. I remember I chose different subjects to what he wanted me to do for my GCSE’s and he didn’t talk to me for 4 months. I remember my teens years feeling very ignored all of the time. He would go out of his way to make me feel excluded while being over the top loving with my brother and sister. I used to wake up on Sat and Sun morning and hear my brother and sister giggling in my parents room. He would happily have them come in and watch tv with them but when I got up, he would shut his door so I didn’t disturb them. He’s currently not talking to me because I’ve finally plucked up the courage to leave my abusive husband. Apparently I don’t ever stick to anything and it’s all my fault that my ex assaulted me so badly I ended up in hospital for 3 days! Funny thing is, I still don’t know what I’ve ever actually done wrong for him to hate me so much. I just can’t win with him. Nothing I do is ever good enough.

@JamonMfucker
You are the family scapegoat !
What a horrible way to.treat your own child . He should be ashamed .

Going back 40 years my Granny PROMISED me she had never said a swear word in her entire life. As a 4 year old promises were unbreakable in my mind (still are!).

Unknown to her I had overheard her having a sweary rant in the kitchen a earlier that day.

My precious Granny lied to me 🤣

I was always very careful to highlight my many flaws to my dd, and to emphasise that we all have strengths and weaknesses. I never wanted her to put me on a pedestal, only to topple me off when she realised it wasn't warranted.

I'm sorry to all of you who have been disappointed by your parents.

I was close to my mother growing up as she never got on with my sister. She was always running to me after yet another argument. Then I got divorced and "Brought shame on her". when she died she left half of everything to my sister and the other half between me, XH and 2 children. I found it really galling when I thought of how many times I'd picked up the pieces from her and my sister's relationship.

I now hate her, threw away any photos of her and things she'd given me and do not mark anything to do with her.

My mum has severe mental issues, and as kids we always idolised our dad. He was, in many ways, a much better parent.

Now we're older we can see that a) our mum did a lot of practical work and b) our dad really could have done more to curb the effect of her MH issues, get her help, or stand up to her for us.

(For example, my mum grounded me from ALL social activities from 17 to university, because of something that someone else did at a party. She knew that I hadn't had anything to do with it, and when my dad protested, she threw a hysterical fit and threatened divorce. It wasn't right or fair, but he went along with it. I ended up sneaking around and lying - ironically putting me far more at risk of what she was trying to protect me from.)

My parents were drug addicts when I was a child. Us children were severely neglected and I was abused by the scum who hang around addicts with vulnerable children.

I was in and out of care most of my childhood.

My mum died from drugs when I was early twenties. My maternal grandparents who I'd hardly seen growing up came to the funeral. They were told the circumstances around my mums death and about our childhood. They then stayed in touch. My grandmother sat me down and told me that my mum had not let them have a relationship with us and kept things secret so they never knew we had suffered. And if she had known she would have saved us. But that she would really like to build a relationship now. I agreed and really enjoyed getting to know not just my grandparents but also my aunts, uncles and cousins.

Years roll by and I accessed my social services file after some therapy and a need to know about something that had happened to me. And there I see that my maternal grandparents were approached several times over several years from when I was 8 till 12. Aged 12 they were asked to have me as my siblings could be placed in foster care, but I was 12 so would go to a children's home. They were informed of the neglect and abuse we had suffered. They were told I was in a very vulnerable position going into a children's home and I was at risk of further abuse. And they refused to take me even temporarily till they could possibly place me with foster carers. The reason being that they were worried that their reputations as pillars of the community and volunteer commitments would be hindered. They had known about what we were going through all along.

I confronted them and swiftly cut them off.

Sagebomb

They were all for show . Wanted everyone to think how wonderful they were and to bask in glory . Selfish fuckers underneath.

It's only the last year I've seen through my father. My mother was horribly abusive and neglectful and he was the only decent parent I had. Last year my mother was diagnosed with cancer and despite the fact they'd been separated over 30 years , he flocked to her side and treated me terribly when I didn't think she was a walking Saint. He had gotten really sick when I was a teenager and I had cared for him for years , sacrificing my own life, she did nothing for him but he still put her first. I've cut him off now as well as her and ill never forgive either of them.

Currently going through this in therapy.

I have forgiven my father for a lot. Breaking up my family by shagging my French teacher. Then marrying one of my mother's students. Then divorcing her and meeting someone else. I stood by him.

My reward? His third wife tried to ruin my wedding and convinced him to cut me out of his will. Now he sends me emails dictated by her that he wishes I was dead.

I idolised my father and did a lot of things to try to make him proud of me, especially after I started seeing him less in my teens. A levels, university, career, always trying to be the "best".

I've gradually realised he doesn't actually care about me that much and probably isn't capable of it. I don't think he's a bad person, but he is very emotionally stunted and ultimately only cares about whether his progeny make him feel good about himself, having underachieved (in a conventional sense) in his own life. I was his golden child until my teens because I was academically and musically talented, but he didn't ever really see or love who I was as an individual. When my parents divorced be moved across town and suddenly I hardly saw him, and then as soon as I became a teen he seemed to give up on me. He recently made a snarky comment about the "parade of boyfriends" I had as a teenager and how disappointing that was and I thought wow, I wonder why I had such low self esteem?

@sagebomb God , that's awful. Hope you are OK

There are some hating stories in this thread. I’m so sorry everyone.

But @sagebomb what you’ve been through is particularly tragic.
💐
xx

Yes. My dad sided with my exh when we split up. Said I was a terrible mother for splitting up with him.
I later told him why: he had been having an affair with my best friend. My dad was a bit apologetic, but still didn't really condemn exh. Still asks after him even in front of new dh. It's driven a huge wedge between us, I felt abandoned and so hurt. I still see him, and I love him-he's my dad. But it's not as it once was and it still makes me very tearful even now.

@sagebomb wow, that must have been so hurtful and anger-inducing. To act like that in the first place is already horrific, but to then try to get into your good graces and lie about it is absolutely awful. You must have been/be a very strong person to recognise that and cut them off.