FIL moving in help me on things I need to consider

[RevelryMum]

So my lovely MIL passed unexpected recently and my poor FIL will please god move in with my DP, DD and myself as he can't be on his own for varies reasons . He is such a lovely man quiet, easy to talk to and just a beautiful soul my heart is broken for him it's very hard to witness his grief and his loss of independence all at once.

We will have to make some adjustments to our house like changing the downstairs loo into a wet room for him and making sure it's as safe as possible regarding falls.

I know it will be extremely difficult for him but he isn't one to complain and I know he would never say if he was unhappy with anything. He has said he would rather live with us over his other LO's so it's completely his choice.

So I suppose to try make him as comfortable and happy as he can be given the circumstances what else do I need to consider for him so you think?

I definitely think an armchair in his room and one in our living room as that's most comfortable for him and a tv in his room so he has his own space he very much likes his own company. He isnt very mobile so he will be in the house almost all of the time and I'm just worried he wont feel it's his home which i know its not but i really want him to feel comfortable here.

You write with such care and concern for your Father in law, I hope he finds solace living with you and your family.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

This is such a lovely post - well done to you and your family for looking out for him.

Could you bring some of his furniture? Maybe a favourite armchair? Photos etc. His garden bench if he had one he used to sit on with his wife. Ask him what he'd like to bring.

How old are your children? Just wondering how this is going to affect them.

But I think the biggest thing of all is to involve him in your daily lives, as best you can and as much as he wants to.

Don't move him in and then 'leave him to it'.

Family dinners, weekend trips to a cafe or something. If your children are at school, have them pop in to see him and chat about their days etc. Cook his favourite meals. these are the things that will make him feel most at home.

Good luck to you all x

Photos are a good idea, maybe could do a photo wall in his room so it feels personally and he's not just staying in a spare room.

You sound lovely OP, and so does he. I have no advice but wish you all the best

Does he use a wheelchair? If so I’d fit ramps in the front and back doors to let him have some freedom. Your hallway / corridor flooring should be hard too as wheelchairs can ruin lino / carpet.

Does he have any hobbies? If he likes gardening etc maybe set it up for him in an accessible way

OP, this is such a lovely post. xxx

How old is he? Dies he really need to live with you? Do not underestimate the impact this will have on your family life, lovely as it/he may be.
If he is still young-ish/fit/mentally fine, a place like sheltered accom or warden assisted flats where there is still a social element to his day maybe much better fit for him.

My DD is 5 months so I think it will be really lovely to have him here as she grows , yes I think some furniture is a really good idea and of course will will include him in everything .

Does he have a friendship group that you could invite over to help establish it is his home now as well?

No advice but you sound so lovely and FIL is incredibly lucky to have you

Just ensure, before he moves in, that you are both on the same page regarding what that means. Will be be having all his meals with you? Will be be getting his own breakfast? Is he used to eating at the same times as you do? What will be happening with regard to cleaning/tidying his room and his laundry? Will be want to sit with you in the evenings? Does he usually watch certain TV programmes? Is he hard of hearing at all?

My grandmother ended up living with my parents for some years as she was no longer able to do things for herself and I know they both found it very difficult. My grandmother had been very independent and didn't necessarily want to eat what had been cooked when it was ready. She was also quite deaf and liked the television up quite loud, and liked to watch things my parents didn't like. She had a television in her room but, despite having lived on her own for 30 years of so, she felt isolated in there on her own.

You are obviously a very caring person but it Is important that you and your FIL both know what to expect before he moves in.

If you are able to encourage him in some outside interests or groups that might help to stop you both from driving each other batty!

If you can fit a chair of his and his tv that's great, take a mug or two from his house (ideally distinctive ones). Make sure you all knock entering his room to give him privacy and decorate his room with photos, pictures etc from his house

If he's not from your area, do try to find him some sort of group that is his, so he has something to do that he can then tell you about

All of this is excellent advice.

If u can get him out and about as much as possible, also there’s help to adapt your space get on that early ,
care allowance etc it tak s forever to come though, but you will need help, and the sooner u get that in place better for him and you.
there are also clubs for the elderly and infirm etc
all you can do to keep him as Mobil’s possible will help you all
bless you for being kind and caring

I assume you are currently on maternity leave - are you planning to return to work?

I would be really wary about doing this as you are primary carer for your DD and May end up being so for FIL. Have you and DH talked about the longer term, will FIL ever move back out to nearby sheltered accommodation etc?

This. Think everything through, OP. Will your h do half the looking after of his dad? What care does he need?

Ah, I see you are not married.

Definitely think carefully about your own financial future if you are doing care work for DP’s dad.

Is he moving area? If so, make sure he's registered with the GP and Dentist straightaway.

You haven't said how old he is OP. If he's able, get him immeshed in the community. Look for things like bereavement groups, U3A and any voluntary opportunities

Has he had any Bereavement Counselling? If not, I'd suggest that before the move as it should help him to adjust more easily.

You haven't said what's happening to his home either. If he owns the house you'll need advice if that money is to be used to improve your home for things like a wetroom or extra sitting room. Likewise if he's planning on distributing assets.

With the wetroom you'll probably need to future proof it so make sure that he can get in as well as a Carer.

Is he moving too far that he'll have to change GP surgery, chemist, etc?

Something small, but my grandmother was pleased with when she came to live with us was a little fridge and a kettle so she could make tea or coffee in her room if she wanted to (during a programme or if she woke up at night etc) She "may" have kept her Guinness in the fridge too 😉

Maybe organise getting his paper or a favourite magazine delivered for him too? Obviously if he's able to get out and about to a local shop safely then I'd encourage him to pop out for his paper, it's a good way to keep mobile and meet people, even if it's just a nodding acquaintance iyswim?

Good luck, it will be wonderful for your little one and FIL to be so close as LO grows up 😊 My children were early primary ages and used to go thundering straight to see Ganny and tell her about school every day! Her secret supply of biscuits needed replenishing on a regular basis strangely...!

Enjoy your new arrangement x

It’s lovely to hear that this worked well for your family. It will be very difficult for some for various reasons but how lovely when an older family member can be welcomed into a home and especially for kids to see how to show love and take care of a parent. This may help shape how they care for their own parents eventually.

Presumably he will be registering with your GP Practice.
Request a visit from community OT to advise on any adaptions or access needs.
Does he receive Attendance Allowance?
If not apply for it.
How much care does he need.
Can he safely be left alone in the house.
It's good that you are looking out for him.

DP will be caring for FIL if or when he needs it he is only not good on his feet but completely competent otherwise I'm on maternity leave until June but will be looking after DD I won't be caring for FIL as such but yes I think maybe a good idea to have that conversation with DP

He is mid 80's and not in great health varies different diagnosis possible a cancer diagnosis as well we are waiting to find out. tbh I think we will be lucky to get a year or two with him