Guilt over living abroad

[Meme555]

I recently moved back to the UK after living in abroad for 9.5 years. During that time, me and my partner created an amazing life there, I truly felt I had found ‘home’ and was heartbroken to leave (we had to return due to my partners mother being seriously ill). We intended to only be back in the UK for a year, but have since had a child so have delayed this for a further year. However, my family are so upset over our plans to still move back. They hoped us coming back would be a permanent return and we would stay living close by again in our home town. I’m very close to my family, so the guilt of this is eating me up. No one ever visited us when we lived away, so my partner is very unsympathetic to them, especially as all my parents and siblings are fit, healthy and reasonably well off, so no real reasons to have not visited us, except just because they did not want to. Do we continue with our ‘selfish’ plans? Or is family more important? Note I suffered heavily with depression/anxiety before travelling and moving away, so my home town isn’t a happy place particularly for me to return to.

It would be sad for your parents etc but you have to live your life and hopefully they can see that. Maybe you can suggest you see each other more regularly and face time etc

Are we talking EU or mega flights like Thailand? The first is them not making any effort , whilst the second is unlikely that people are going to trek out.

It’s hard to leave family behind but you do need to live your own lives.

it’s long haul flight, which would be around a days travel all in, so I defo feel guilty about that which is why I did not press them visiting too much whilst there and sucked up doing the trip home each year. However, now we have kids, I hoped they would start to come around to the idea of coming to see us as well

We had it the other way round, my father moved out to a country in South America and he was always angling for us to go out and visit. Honestly it was such a pita; 24 hours of travel door to door.
Third world is not my idea of fun. I like to go to countries where holidays are normal, not see children begging in the streets and truly ancient people tottering about trying to sell you their baskets of wares they’d scraped together while their feckless offspring lay in a drunken stupor on the pavements for people to step over. (You can tell how much I enjoyed those trips 😀)
Make your peace with your life choices, and go gaily forth.

It's not selfish of you to live abroad, and it would be a bit ridiculous for you to sacrifice your preferred life because your family are inconvenienced by it or resent it.

They are also not unreasonable of they prefer that you periodically return "home" if you want to see family, rather than their coming to you. Even once you have children, there are probably fewer people travelling in your group than there would be if your parents, siblings, siblings-in-law, nieces, and nephews came to you? They may also assume that you have friends to see, things to do back in the UK, are at least a little bit homesick, will want to show your children where you grew up, etc.

I think…move back if you want. But recognise that you are making a choice that might have consequences further down the line. It will, inevitably, affect your family relationships.

Life has many phases and what makes sense for you now might have downsides when, for example, your baby is looking towards higher education (it comes around sooner than you think!) or a parent is seriously ill.

Thanks, I guess it always makes me a bit sad that my parents atleast have no interest in seeing where we’ve settled, especially as they know how desperately unhappy I was previously! But as I’ve said to my partner, we’ve made the choice to move so guess that’s that, can’t force them to support us with it

Wow, didn't think I'd see this level of xenophobia and racism on a thread like this. The people of whichever country you visited are much better off without your vileness so please never go back.

Yes this is always a worry about an ill parent. The schooling is actually one of the reasons we do want to move back, as it’s a much higher standard than the UK!

I am amazed at your family trying to make you feel guilty. It's bang out of order.

You must live your life and do what makes you happiest.

Never live your life for other people.

I have stressed to my dcs they must go and live where they want. My mum was the same. Stbxh's parents however were masterful at making people feel guilty about about 40 miles away.

It's your family that is selfish, op. Thinking of themselves and their needs only. Not of what makes you happy and your needs.

Luckily , you are in charge of your life.

You've already done the dutiful thing of returning to the U.K. when you were needed. That's enough.

And if your family never visit you then it really says a lot about how much much they really care. They can't be arsed. Yet expect you to the most flexible.

Some people (including family) don’t like you making bold moves to improve your life. Maybe it feels like a judgment to them. It is often easier to stay in place and just moan. It takes courage to strike out and leave your known and comfy cage. Live your life wherever that suits you - you only get one go on the merrygoround.

Even if your family visit annually, they aren’t going to be able to have the same kind of relationship with the you or any grandchildren. You get to make that choice. They are allowed to be disappointed that you value a different location over your relationship.

people will come on and say that with zoom and FaceTime the relationship bonds can be just the same, but that just isn’t true. You can have a relationship, but it will be different.

ultimately you have to live you life for your self. There are other options between long-haul flight and hometown that might better balance personal dreams and maintaining family bonds, but only you can make that decision.

Fizzy how is it xenophobic to set out your impression of a country?

@TheaBrandt I agree- if that's how it was she's just saying that's how it was.i suspect OP is more like US or Singapore or something though

OP, you put yourself and your partner first. Always. There is no reason to feel guilt. Just do what is best for you.

Ah, now you have mentioned education I am curious about where you are!

Just a word of caution, is the education there ‘better’ in a holistic sense in that it will be most suited to your child or does it simply perform very well in international rankings? Some systems pass on a lot of pressure to their students and PISA is quite a limited (and contested!) lens through which to view education systems.

What is your child’s nationality? If they are British then it probably makes sense for them to be educated here.

Gosh, I'm so sorry that these people's extreme poverty has inconvenienced you so much 🙄 May you never experience what they experience day in day out.

I don't think it's terribly controversial to want to go on holiday somewhere enjoyable. If you work, you have little time off and most people have a limited pot of money for holidays. If you end up spending a big chunk of your holiday money and time on guilt trips to a relative somewhere you don't enjoy going, that's bound to be irksome. I would probably travel back "home" more often if it was a lovelier place to visit. I do go there, but it's not a "holiday". Grinding poverty is deeply unpleasant to be in or around and you would have to be pretty voyeuristic to feel comfortable seeing it.

and to fizzywizzy

That’s the thing though isn’t it? Tourists going gaily forth into third world countries, traipsing about oblivious of the extreme poverty around them. They must be oblivious or why would they go?
I grew up in poor countries where the constant mantra at home and school is to do all you can for the poor. That means constantly giving away the clothes and toys that you’d barely grown out of, pressured into donating your pocket money to whatever orphanage the school was supporting that year, guilt tripped into every craft taken up should be turned into something more useful for the orphans, and then having to go and volunteer in said orphanages. (If anyone is interested in this rant, all the children in the one I volunteered in were polio victims as vaccinations had not been done.)
So that’s why I don’t like going because that’s all I see. I don’t enjoy it for a single minute and it doesn’t feel like a holiday. All I can do is spend every penny I’ve brought on the never ending procession of desperate people selling their trinkets. I have no influence on their government decisions on how they look after their children. I could cry for a year and it would not save a single baby or her mother from malaria or dengue or malnutrition.
So you can untangle your judgy pants and think again next time you’re booking your next holiday.
I’m off to Italy on Friday.

Wow. Just...wow.

I too grew up in poor countries. I was born in one. My mother is from one.

Great to see your worldly childhood gave you so much empathy.

I’ve traveled extensively around South America and have never once felt like you do. Every country is beautiful in its own way and so many magnificent things to see that you don’t get in on a beach holiday in Europe or indeed anywhere else.
What a shame you couldn’t see the amazing things your fathers country had to offer

How is it pretty voyeuristic to be comfortable seeing deep poverty? That makes no sense.

You should live where you want and not be driven by guilt (although I know that is hard).

I'm assuming it's UAE. If my family member moved there I would not visit either due to the shitty stick given to women and girls.