Guilt over living abroad

[Meme555]

I recently moved back to the UK after living in abroad for 9.5 years. During that time, me and my partner created an amazing life there, I truly felt I had found ‘home’ and was heartbroken to leave (we had to return due to my partners mother being seriously ill). We intended to only be back in the UK for a year, but have since had a child so have delayed this for a further year. However, my family are so upset over our plans to still move back. They hoped us coming back would be a permanent return and we would stay living close by again in our home town. I’m very close to my family, so the guilt of this is eating me up. No one ever visited us when we lived away, so my partner is very unsympathetic to them, especially as all my parents and siblings are fit, healthy and reasonably well off, so no real reasons to have not visited us, except just because they did not want to. Do we continue with our ‘selfish’ plans? Or is family more important? Note I suffered heavily with depression/anxiety before travelling and moving away, so my home town isn’t a happy place particularly for me to return to.

Sorry to distract from your initial question @Meme555

I think if it's the right choice for your family then you should go. Families tend to make a lot of noise about wanting you to stay local and be nearby but you can't live your life just to be convenient to others. You came home for your partners mum and that was the right choice. Leaving - especially for your children's education - is also the right choice.

I can appreciate an Aztec monument as well as anyone else. I can’t blot out the deprivation around me enough to enjoy it though.
I get that tourism is an important source of revenue , it’s not a holiday for me though.

Although a tangent, I think it does have some relevance to the OP’s question.

Most of the world isn’t really a holiday ‘destination’ as such. Places are just that - ordinary places where people live their lives.

So perhaps - looking at a limited amount of time and money - it won’t really make sense for her relatives to spend time there, from their point of view?

Thanks everyone, this has given me food for thought. I’d never expect my family to be happy to see the back of us, but also hurts that they would rather us stay here unhappy for them (which they have said in these exact words). However, our main concern now needs to be giving our child the best chance in life! So hopefully my family eventually comes round to that idea

Thank you so much, this is the exact attitude I wish my parents could have! Your children are very lucky x

You have to do what makes you happy, and live the life you want. Don't live your life through what someone else seems is the right way.

We only get one life and have to make the most of what it offers us. Some people need to remember that the purpose of being parents is to nurture children until they're at a stage they can live independently, not to create a little bunch of constant companions. You say you have siblings OP, so it's not as if you're an only child, "abandoning" your parents. Live your life where you will be happiest and where you believe your own children will benefit most. They are your priority now.

I have two young adult DC and was widowed this year (I'm 60). I know my eldest DD has dreams to travel, and my youngest DD would consider living in another country if an opportunity arose. I've made it clear to them they must do what is right for them, and they're not to abandon any dreams with the misguided notion they have to stay here and look after me. Of course I'd be sad inside to see them go too far, but I'd never stop them living their own lives.

@BadSkiingMum ”What is your child’s nationality? If they are British then it probably makes sense for them to be educated here”.

Why would their nationality determine where they go to school?

I would say you need to go back home OP, you’ve already done a lot by moving to where your parents live and essentially having to put your own families life on hold.

If you love someone you don’t try to control them and stop them doing things that will improve their life, instead you encourage and help them achieve it.

I’m just thinking in terms of where they will eventually have the right to live and work.

Life is surely more straightforward if your qualifications etc match the system and requirements for the country in which you live.

But perhaps I’m looking too far into the future.

It doesn’t make a difference, do you think children who are born in Poland, Portugal, Turkey, India, Pakistan, HongKong etc go to boarding school elsewhere to avoid being educated in the UK?

They will most likely live and work in the country their parents have been living in for the last nine years.

You talk about giving your child the best chance in life. But is it in their best interest to be growing up without cousins and grand parents present, who clearly do have the desire to be involved? And can't schooling be 'fixed' by moving to a good catchment, grammar school area, or hiring a tutor, or going private? The UK has some of the best unis in the world.

I am not saying 'don't go', but you have to be honest that you are doing this for you. Objectively, this is in all likelihood not in your child's best interest. Unless being here makes you so miserable, you cannot be good parents.

I wouldn’t suppose anything of the kind, of course not.

But residency and citizenship rights vary around the world and an adult child might not necessarily have the right to live and work somewhere that they had previously lived as a dependent, unless they had pursued a path to getting those rights.

Or the OP might decide to retire home to the UK and find that her own children are permanently based a long haul flight away.

It’s totally up to the OP and she should do what makes sense for her own life but I have seen in my own family the far-reaching and unintended consequences of a long distance move. Especially when my parent became terminally ill.

I can see both sides as I'm also a person who was miserable living in their hometown but I do get that some people struggle with long haul travel too. From their perspective you moving means them rarely seeing you which is understandably devastating and I suspect they're in denial about how unhappy you are living near them.

I think ultimately you have to do what's right for you and you can't make yourself miserable for the sake of others in the long term.

You have your own family now (husband and child) and it is right to put your needs and their needs first.

You should live your own life and move back abroad if it will give everyone a better lifestyle.

Your relatives should not be guilt-tripping you like this.

If they did not even bother to visit you while you were away it does not sound like they were really keen to have you in their lives anyway.

She wasn't setting out impressions of a country though. She was branding all "third world" countries as barbaric places with starving children and terrible parents where someone of a superior birth like herself couldn't possibly holiday in.

I'm from a South American country and South America isn't like that at all.

Recently heard the idea that if you have to choose between feeling guilt or resentment, it is more psychologically healthy to choose the guilt eliciting option.

Obviously, those close to you are likely to disagree :)

My partners family have been alot more supporting, with his brother, neice, nephew and dad having visited us, so I don’t feel like she’ll be totally without family! I also haven’t spoken to my cousins since I was about 11, and don’t feel any great loss from that! Regarding the schooling, we already live in one of the better school areas of the UK, so without a major leap in mine and my partners work levels, we’d struggle to improve it much here

Love this, will keep this in mind

We were in a similar situation. My family has always been very supportive and kind about our move abroad. They of course miss us and I am sure they'd prefer if we lived closer to them, but they never made us feel guilty about our choice. They also make an effort to visit and we speak on the phone regularly.

My ILs on the other hand, never really accepted that we moved and every time we see them they say how sad it is that we don't live near them and that they won't really know their DGC. They visit us, but it is often very negative atmosphere.

We are very happy where we live, have a great community and don't see us moving back to either one of our parents.

You have to make this decision for your family on your own, without giving in to guilt tripping.

If your family want to be a part of your life, they will be. It won't be the same as they wished for, but they visit and FaceTime.

I would not move back just to make them happy (especially if it makes you unhappy!)

You were there for 10 years and your family, who are healthy and financially secure never visited your once? Wow! I think that's pretty shit tbh, even if you live somewhere that takes 24 hours to get there. It's a PITA, for sure, particularly if they are still working, but to never visit even once? I can't imagine taking that attitude as a parent. When I lived OS (long haul, but one easy flight), my parents, sister and aunt all came out regularly. It helped that where I lived was a desirable place to visit with lots of flights to choose from, but I think even if I'd been somewhere that was harder to reach, they'd still have come, just less regularly.

As to whether you're BU, honestly no. It's your life and if you're that miserable here, I'd say your happiness as a family is more important. But if your family never visited before, I think you know they're not going to start coming now and as they get older you will almost certainly bear the heavy burden of regular trips back here, so that needs to be a factor this time, when perhaps it wasn't the first time you moved there.

@Yougetmoreofwhatyoufocuson I felt the same way about Bali. Only visited as family moved there. The disparity between the wealth of tourists or foreigners that had moved there, compared to the local population was terrible. I get that tourism is a major source of income but having tiny children come up to you begging, constant exploitation of women, almost slum living conditions etc was inescapable. Others seemed able to block it out or ignore, which I also found pretty hard to swallow.