How do you deal with well meaning kind person you work with but …

[Spagettifunctional]

They are putting pressure on you (me)

telling me who said what, texting after work, questioning things out of my control

bossy but very nice if you know what I mean

I am thinking of telling the person in question tomorrow that due to the nature of our work we can’t discuss it over text (true) and that I have been to see someone (this is true also) to talk about coping with things as I haven’t been feeling well in myself that once we are out of work we need to focus on home and family and the next time she texts I would softly reply ‘let’s talk tomorrow - time to switch off ❤️’

would that go down like a lead balloon - I don’t want to spoil our relationship as they are good to me but winding me up a lot

I would just send a chirpy reply ‘Chat tomorrow. Just at Mum’s catching up’.

As others have said she isn't well meaning or nice

Particularly if it's gossip, complaining or he said/ she said
It's called Triangulation

Unpleasant and toxic
I do general " morning, nice day" at work and NOTHING else

Me again

how do I restrict on what’s app the notifications

Once I see the message (my own fault I know) I can’t unsee it

so I would love to know how to block them

yes I see now it’s triangulation

well meaning maybe but dumping stress onto me

My mother actually does the triangulation thing with me and alienates me from others and makes out my father said this or that

Absolutely do not talk about anything work-related with her in a text. It could come back to haunt you!
And DO NOT tell her, or anyone else at work, that you are seeking or have sought help/counselling.

I speak from very bitter experience. (Also a teacher)

Thank you Bella 💐

Unless one has a work phone (in which case, it is turned off out of hours), then this thread is a perfect example of why it is good practice not to share our personal phone numbers with colleagues.

It's not well meaning!
It's dumping and trying to engage you in giving them information that they will use against you
If they gossip to you, they gossip about you!

Why are you discussing your mental health with this person?

Good idea to send the txt you suggested because its direct and well meaning.

If your colleague ignores your request not to discuss work out of work, or shows you bad attitude from this txt onwards you will need to make a log of incidents as they occur include dates, times details etc etc and take it to your manager who should have a word with her privately.

It may mean that she has issues switching off from work in the evening and its not fair on those who need to be with their families.

So, if she kicks off, don't worry as its not your fault and get management to deal with her but treat her with kindness so that they can't pull you up on anything and just in case she tries to blame you. There are mindless fools out there like that.

If you don’t want this person to know you have blocked her then just archive her and only look at her messages during working hours. She will be none the wiser.

Always leave your baggage at the door and never pick up others baggage -it's work not an airport !
Never take it into work.
Polite but professional

There are usually supportive but confidential help lines provided by your employer and its much healthier to do this out of work.

I have a work helpline number thank you !
great advice here and I have more clarity now on the situation.

I cannot thank you all enough. The work colleague in question was a stay at home mum up until all her kids were adults so she cannot compare her life to mine. I have two small kids and am a teacher - not a TA so she doesn’t actually get it. Her life is her own from 3pm. I’m the one dealing with administration, planning etc

You don’t need to block, you can also archive the conversation with her on WhatsApp (swipe left on it and ‘Archive’ comes up) so you won’t see her messages come through.

My best friend used to have a boss who frequently called outside of work, and would always ask her why she hadn't picked up the phone, if she didn't. To which my friend always replied "I was busy having sex with my boyfriend", until the woman got the message and stopped being so pushy.

They might not like it but you are perfectly entitled to put down boundaries

She needs to know that you don't want to be discussing work via text outside of work hours/on your days off/annual leave

It can be said in a nice way, if she doesn't like it that really is her problem

Gossipy people often gossip with as many people as they can. I'd beware as you don't know what she says to others.

Technically school staff should only message each other via official channels - e.g. school email - and with no obligation to respond out of working hours.

Of course, as friends or friendly colleagues you can exchange personal details but you maybe shouldn't have done so in this case.

I think you need to say that you'd prefer all work-related talk to be within working hours. Really the only chat you need to have concerns provision for the child/ren she supports in your class.

If you are struggling with aspects of the job, you should talk to your line manager (if you feel comfortable to do so) as a teaching assistant really can't help or support you in that way as it's not part of their role.

Something similar happened to me. I used to reply "I'm not at work right now". Sometimes that would shut her down. If she replied asking the lines of "I know but...", I'd simply repeat "I'm not at work". If it was something that relevant to our work, I might add "We'll talk tomorrow, at work".

That woman had such a thick skin. No hints, no subtleties ever worked. Quick to take offence, though.

This. You don't need the 'authority' of a professional telling you not to talk about work in your leisure time - the fact YOU don't want to talk about work outside work should be good and sufficient reason.

And yes, don't tell her anything you wouldn't want turned against you.

You’re so right

I am going to go in tomorrow with a new more assertive but polite manner. I will mention the fact we need to switch off. There are problems - a lot of them out of my control and I can only control what I can. I am still feeling anxious and upset in myself but hopefully a stronger me will come in good time.

Sorry how would you ask this person to stop bringing every issue to me when I have a head of dept and headteacher but they don’t want to.

So they constantly tell me of every little problem - even kids not in our room who need support.

I am going to stop having tea breaks with them so less contact will definitely help I think.

"I'm sorry but you need to talk to x about that."

Are they bringing problems to you to solve, or are they just a gossiping chatterbox?