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Original poster

How to handle this situation with foster sister

56 replies

EustaciaVye01 · 09/11/2024 22:02

My foster sister is in her 20's. She has moved out from my parents house. I am in my late 30's.
My foster sister will be graduating this year and she is upset because we haven't booked a holiday for her to celebrate her graduation. I didn't even know that this was a thing? My parents and I were going to take her out for dinner and give her a nice present.

Backstory- she has fallen out majorly with my sister. (I only have 1 biological sibling).

Every year we take a family holiday. Last summer I couldn't go because my husband's niece was getting married during that time.

My foster sister doesn't want to go on the holiday with my sister but she feels left out and gets very angry with the rest of us. My sister is the main person who books and organises the holiday. My parents are elderly.

Anyway so for Summer 2025, my sister has booked a holiday for my parents, her kids and for my family.
My foster sister is feeling left out. (I have tried many times to mediate but it ends in a huge slanging match and I don't have the energy for it)

My foster sister rang me- shouting and swearing that we shouldn't go on holiday when she is graduating. I don't know what to do....

If you got this far- thank you for reading.

OP posts:
purpleme12 · 09/11/2024 22:04

So really it's about the foster sister and sister falling out...
Because that's why she doesn't go on the holidays anymore...

BecuaseIWantItThatWay · 09/11/2024 22:11

Have the graduation dates been posted already? Even if they have been arranged by the uni this early, I'd be surprised if they have published the details for the specific day your foster sister will graduate before the New Year has even come around.

Your foster sister is obviously hurt, but does she expect you to fall out with your relative just because she has?

If you haven't already done so, I think that you stating you are not taking sides and will not tolerate being expected to choose is necessary. So given that this issue doesn't involve you, YANBU

If your foster sister expects to be taken on holiday because she has simply graduated, that is unreasonable of her.

Janedoe82 · 09/11/2024 22:14

Why is she not invited on the holiday? For someone who has recently left care I imagine it is hugely triggering. Plus she likely has experienced childhood trauma and will struggle generally with many things.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
Mathsbabe · 09/11/2024 22:36

Graduation Dates will be in the university calendar and are set well in advance, often years in advance. Parents from abroad need to be able to book flights and accommodation well in advance.

Original poster
EustaciaVye01 · 09/11/2024 22:38

@Janedoe82 she is always welcome but she doesn't get on with my sister. She has no friends because she can't keep them...its very sad. I am the only one there on her birthday along with my parents.

OP posts:
Janedoe82 · 09/11/2024 22:38

EustaciaVye01 · 09/11/2024 22:38

@Janedoe82 she is always welcome but she doesn't get on with my sister. She has no friends because she can't keep them...its very sad. I am the only one there on her birthday along with my parents.

Can your biological sister not just try and be nicer to her and just accept she is challenging?

purpleme12 · 09/11/2024 22:39

If she's welcome on the holiday but she doesn't want to come because of your sister she can't really complain about no holiday

Original poster
EustaciaVye01 · 09/11/2024 22:42

@BecuaseIWantItThatWay yes you are right. I don't want to take sides. I've sat with both of them on numerous times and I don't have the energy for it anymore...

I also don't need my foster sister shouting and swearing at me. I understand she was hurt, but she has such high expectations that no one can possibly keep...
My parents and I would love her to come on the holiday but not if there is going to be shouting and drama....

The issue is moving forward she wants my parents and I to have:

One holiday with my biological sister
AND
One separate holiday with her (my foster sister)

I am sick to death of family holidays now.

OP posts:
Original poster
EustaciaVye01 · 09/11/2024 22:43

@Janedoe82 that is easier said than done. She is verbally and physically abusive and my sister has had enough....

OP posts:
NeverDropYourMooncup · 09/11/2024 22:46

EustaciaVye01 · 09/11/2024 22:43

@Janedoe82 that is easier said than done. She is verbally and physically abusive and my sister has had enough....

What did she go through that led to her becoming a long term foster child? That could be why her sense of rejection from the family that was supposed to fix everything and be her happily ever after is coming out like that.

Janedoe82 · 09/11/2024 22:56

I would get your biological sister to get trained up on trauma informed practice- will help her totally detach from the foster sisters behaviour.
I work in this field- have had abuse screened at me one day and tears and hugs the next. Hurt people hurt people sadly.

MargaretThursday · 09/11/2024 23:20

Janedoe82 · 09/11/2024 22:38

Can your biological sister not just try and be nicer to her and just accept she is challenging?

Edited
Show quote history

I don't think that is necessarily fair.
I had a challenging sibling and I was frequently expected to back down, be nice back to nastiness, give way, accept my stuff was lent to them but never get anything back, days out revolving round them etc.
it's wearing and makes you feel unimportant, and there's no escape when you're living at home.

It doesn't sound like the younger sibling is the aggressor in this, and maybe she's just had enough. Yes, the foster sister has had a tough time, I'm certain of that. But It Sounds like the younger sister has also had to put up with quite a bit, in a situation that she had no control over.

Op, if you and your sister had a "graduation holiday" to celebrate your graduation, then I can see why she's upset. That's not saying she has to have one, but it's a reminder that she doesn't really belong.
If you are all going on holiday and not being there for the graduation ( and dates may be published in advance, but not necessarily exactly which dates were which subjects) then again I understand the upset. She has no one else to be there and watch.

If neither of those are the case then I don't think you need to feel guilty.

RobinStrike · 09/11/2024 23:22

I can see your sibling isn't going to want her summer holiday and her children's holiday spoiled by shouting and swearing. It does sound, sadly, like it's best for your foster sister not to go. No one books their family holiday with small children knowing it's going to turn very unpleasant.

Lincoln24 · 09/11/2024 23:28

I think it's unkind for you all to go on a holiday that excludes your foster sister. Literally the whole family there but not her?

I get that your birth sister and foster sister can't holiday together but does everyone other family member need to go on your birth sister's holiday as it does kind of look exclusionary from the outside? Could you not reconfigure between you so someone holidays with your foster sister?

BubbleGumSplit · 09/11/2024 23:41

Lincoln24 · 09/11/2024 23:28

I think it's unkind for you all to go on a holiday that excludes your foster sister. Literally the whole family there but not her?

I get that your birth sister and foster sister can't holiday together but does everyone other family member need to go on your birth sister's holiday as it does kind of look exclusionary from the outside? Could you not reconfigure between you so someone holidays with your foster sister?

I agree with this. An alternative option is that you alternate years. Holiday one year with foster sister, next year with other sister. You are excluding foster sister from the family holidays otherwise.

purpleme12 · 09/11/2024 23:42

I think alternating years is a good idea

DaylightTreachery · 09/11/2024 23:46

Regardless of your traumatic past, I’m not going to even contemplate inviting you on holiday with my children if you default to shouting and swearing.

UncharteredWaters · 09/11/2024 23:46

purpleme12 · 09/11/2024 23:42

I think alternating years is a good idea

Why though should the well behaved sister lose out on family time because the badly behaved sister shouts, swears and throws punches in front of children?

why have we been lowered as a society to rewarding bad behaviour.

‘you behave like a decent adult - you get treated like one’

Thistooshallpsss · 09/11/2024 23:52

I would opt out of family holidays altogether and enjoy a peaceful break.

Lincoln24 · 09/11/2024 23:53

By the way it's a huge achievement for your foster sister to graduate. Very few care leavers achieve this. Amazing for her and for your parents too. She deserves praise for this.

Pumpkincozynights · 10/11/2024 00:00

The foster sister needs to grow up.
Just because she doesn’t got on with the sister that doesn’t mean nobody else can.
Maybe she needs to seek counselling and address her issues.
There comes a point when no matter what has happened to us, we each have to take responsibility for our own actions.
I would iterate to her that you will not fall out with either of them. Then leave it at that.

Original poster
EustaciaVye01 · 10/11/2024 07:00

@NeverDropYourMooncup F.sis came to us when she was 6 months old. Has been with my parents until 18.

@MargaretThursday I'm the younger sister.
We have planned the holiday so we won't miss the graduation. She is welcome to come with us but she won't want to.

@Lincoln24 We are a small nuclear family. Mum dad and then my sister and I.
Mum and dad are exhausted from decades of fostering. I wish we had more family members to help out with F.sis. I'm the one she comes to with her problems. She has no friends because of her behaviour- no relationships. She won't go to counselling.

Yes I am so proud of her for all her hard work. We were going to do a party and bug presents but she went into a massive rage... because we haven't booked her a graduation holiday.

I don't know anyone who has this- certainly no one in our family. Plus I can't afford 2 holidays.

The interactions I have with her are so draining- I can't imagine what going on holiday will be like....

OP posts:
Pat888 · 10/11/2024 07:05

Does she get counselling?

Original poster
EustaciaVye01 · 10/11/2024 07:05

@Thistooshallpsss this is what I'm thinking. I just want to holiday with my dh and my kids.

@Pumpkincozynights thanks. Yes I have said this to F.sis so many times. I feel like I am in the middle of my bio sis and f.sis. I have remained neutral. I love them both.

Thanks to everyone who posted.
I am disappointed with F.sis in how she has behaved. She is going to be 25 soon. For her to scream and swear is unacceptable and I will tell her so. We have to have boundaries.

OP posts:
amIloud · 10/11/2024 07:09

Could I ask, why do you refer to her as your foster sister when she's been with your family for 24.5 years? Has she always grown up being known as the 'foster' sister? Is she treated differently in any other way?

I'm trying to get to the bottom of her insecurities which seem to be driving this demand.