Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

How to handle this situation with foster sister

56 replies

EustaciaVye01 · 09/11/2024 22:02

My foster sister is in her 20's. She has moved out from my parents house. I am in my late 30's.
My foster sister will be graduating this year and she is upset because we haven't booked a holiday for her to celebrate her graduation. I didn't even know that this was a thing? My parents and I were going to take her out for dinner and give her a nice present.

Backstory- she has fallen out majorly with my sister. (I only have 1 biological sibling).

Every year we take a family holiday. Last summer I couldn't go because my husband's niece was getting married during that time.

My foster sister doesn't want to go on the holiday with my sister but she feels left out and gets very angry with the rest of us. My sister is the main person who books and organises the holiday. My parents are elderly.

Anyway so for Summer 2025, my sister has booked a holiday for my parents, her kids and for my family.
My foster sister is feeling left out. (I have tried many times to mediate but it ends in a huge slanging match and I don't have the energy for it)

My foster sister rang me- shouting and swearing that we shouldn't go on holiday when she is graduating. I don't know what to do....

If you got this far- thank you for reading.

OP posts:
Bernadinetta · 10/11/2024 07:13

Why was she fostered for 17.5 years and never adopted? I get that you’re referring to her as foster sister for this thread but do you call her that in real life too? If you’re the younger sister and you’re in your late 30s and your foster sister is 24/25 then you and your birth sister were young teenagers by the time you foster sister came to live you as a 6 month old baby (presumably with attachment issues)?

eatyeateat · 10/11/2024 07:17

amIloud · 10/11/2024 07:09

Could I ask, why do you refer to her as your foster sister when she's been with your family for 24.5 years? Has she always grown up being known as the 'foster' sister? Is she treated differently in any other way?

I'm trying to get to the bottom of her insecurities which seem to be driving this demand.

Yep! What's this? She's been with your her entire life, why would you even think to call her your foster sister after all these years? My 'foster' sister came to us when she was 15. She's my sister, I wouldn't dream of referring to her anywhere as my foster sisters. Maybe this is why she's so angry and feels so isolated.

PandyMoanyMum · 10/11/2024 07:18

you get paid to foster …once you adopt then money stops so OPs parents may not have been able to afford this. very hard for kids in long term placements.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
PandyMoanyMum · 10/11/2024 07:20

the op was asking if graduation holidays are a thing…. never heard of it but I suppose some families might treat their young person

amIloud · 10/11/2024 07:33

I've not heard it as a thing but I went to uni over two decades ago so things may have changed.

Her FS has been with the family for 24.5 years if she came as a 6 month old baby. Whether they adopted her or not (and this must have been incredibly challenging for your FS to understand) she's been with you since she was 6 months old.

I'm sure that your sister will suffer from some PTSD, she may have lived with the insecurity that she would be given back her entire life, and then also felt othered. As she knows she's not a biological member of your family.

What are your conflicts about? Why are your siblings arguing? The holiday is one thing but it's what lies beneath that's the issue.

Original poster
EustaciaVye01 · 10/11/2024 07:44

@amIloud it's just for clarity on this thread. Otherwise I always refer to her as my little sister. We never use the word "foster" with her but it's relevant here because of her unhealed trauma.

OP posts:
Original poster
EustaciaVye01 · 10/11/2024 07:47

@amIloud it's a personality clash.

I'm a lot softer and I excuse her behaviour but my elder sister wont put up with it.
She did when F.sis was a child but now that she is in her 20's- she has had enough. My sister believes that F.sis is a narcissist.

OP posts:
Original poster
EustaciaVye01 · 10/11/2024 07:50

@Bernadinetta she just didn't get adopted. I'm not sure why. She seemed happy with my parents- so they kept her long term. I've seen her grow up. She is a part of our family but she lashes out a lot.
She refuses to come to Christmas dinners even before she had beef with my sister. It's very up and down with her.

OP posts:
lochmaree · 10/11/2024 07:51

I think if foster sister wants to go on the holiday then she needs to behave appropriately. I'm sure your bio sister can make some allowances but not to the extent of being verbally and physically abused.

JMSA · 10/11/2024 07:52

She sounds like a brat (foster sister).

JMSA · 10/11/2024 07:53

No, that's unfair. I'll change it to damaged.

Janedoe82 · 10/11/2024 07:57

Of course she js damaged, I would guess significant attachment issues resulting in the poor behaviour. She literally is unable to manage her emotions and will always struggle with this.

Runskiyoga · 10/11/2024 08:15

The attachment issues lead to all of you moving in and out of various roles on Karpman's drama triangle (victim, perpetrator, rescuer). People occupying any of the roles might have been actual victims in the past.
The healthy triangle roles to try and remember and which can help you navigate the relationship are powerful, vulnerable, responsible. Don't get sucked into rescuing, don't blame and punish, don't be passive and powerless - do take responsibility for your own actions, be assertive, and be open to connection. It sounds like you have been. Pre 25 would be a good age to have 2 years or more of psychotherapy from someone used to working with attachments, I'm sorry she won't consider this currenly, but she will find her way, there may also be something being played out about leaving the nest of the foster family that is symbolic and developmental.

Original poster
EustaciaVye01 · 10/11/2024 08:17

How can I help her?
She can't maintain relationships. People avoid her. She doesn't get invited. People fear her tongue and her actions....

OP posts:
urbanbuddha · 10/11/2024 08:22

So, does she get counselling or therapy? That might help.

parietal · 10/11/2024 08:23

That sounds very hard. In the end, you can't fix her. She has to get counselling and take control of her own emotions and her own reactions.

Has your family had support from therapist through her childhood? Or were you just left to get on with it?

EmberAsh · 10/11/2024 08:24

This is a sad situation but it's not yours to fix.
Many families have siblings that don't get along even without the added layer of fostering.
I would start putting yourself first, think about what holiday you would enjoy going on. Then calmly explain to your foster sister that you are incredibly proud of her graduating and will of course celebrate with an appropriate gift and meeting but going forward you will be prioritising your immediate family for holidays. Don't engage in any backlash.

friendconcern · 10/11/2024 08:33

I’ve worked in a university for 13 years, I’ve never heard of a graduation holiday. Some people go travelling or for an epic holiday after they’ve finished the course but it’s not a graduation holiday and it’s usually paid for by the graduate.

I’ve always felt that being a long term foster child must be awful, to never feel like you actually belong or are wanted for anything other than the money, but someone on here told me once that for kids who are struggling being fostered gives them access to more support and therapy which from experience I know they don’t get when they’re adopted.

This woman has massive issues and needs psychological support long term. What you’re describing is that classic attachment disorder thing of behaving in a very unloveable way, because it reflects how you feel about yourself and then when people leave you it reinforces how you feel about yourself. It’s terribly sad for everyone.

Runskiyoga · 10/11/2024 08:36

'I'd like to celebrate with you, I am so proud of you and want to be with you. X is the one who is organising the holiday, if you want to move forward with that then you need to speak to dps or X. I could meet with you on x date and do x, do you want to do that?'
I think you need to decide what suits you and is fair and equitable about future family holidays and tell the family what you think.
Her feelings are understandable and not her fault but are her responsibility

Idontjetwashthefucker · 10/11/2024 08:43

Why do you have to go on every holiday with your parents and sister(s)? Can you not just go with your husband and kids?

Whyherewego · 10/11/2024 08:51

All this family holiday is a bit OTT ! I didn't take holidays with my family every year at that age.
What I'd do is say to Fsis ... "we have set aside some money to celebrate your graduation with you because we're really proud of what you've achieved. We thought a dinner and present would be what you wanted but if you want to go on a mini break instead then that's fine. Our budget is £xxx so what would you prefer?"

This way you give her the choice on what she wants to do. Maybe she would rather time with you than a present. It doesn't have to be a week holiday though. A weekend break would be appropriate.

As to this other holiday "Dsis has organised this holiday and we are all going. We understand you don't want to but we can't afford two big holidays every year. So unless you're prepared to patch things up with Dsis, I'm afraid that is the arrangement this year" .

FabulousPharmacyst · 10/11/2024 08:57

I am going to recognise your childhood and that of your bio sister as well in all of this OP - it can be extremely challenging being the bio child of parents who foster, especially long term. It’s a very under recognised set of circumstances to grow up in a family where children come and go, and can present with extremely challenging behaviours which you (as the ‘lucky’ bio child) are expected to absorb and account for. Take care of yourself too in all of this. You’re not responsible for fsis and at 25 it’s not unreasonable to expect her to seek some support for her emotions.

FairCrow · 10/11/2024 09:07

I just want to say that I have 2 sisters, we are all full biological siblings, and they hate each other!

StrongasSixpence · 10/11/2024 09:48

FabulousPharmacyst · 10/11/2024 08:57

I am going to recognise your childhood and that of your bio sister as well in all of this OP - it can be extremely challenging being the bio child of parents who foster, especially long term. It’s a very under recognised set of circumstances to grow up in a family where children come and go, and can present with extremely challenging behaviours which you (as the ‘lucky’ bio child) are expected to absorb and account for. Take care of yourself too in all of this. You’re not responsible for fsis and at 25 it’s not unreasonable to expect her to seek some support for her emotions.

Agree with this. Older sis may have reacted by deciding she no longer has to tolerate abuse now she is an adult. OP - do you think you reacted by acting as a people pleaser or rescuer? You don't have to (and can't) fix her as she is an adult now and makes her own choices. Maybe you could do with some counselling yourself?

Lots of reasons FS may not have been adopted. It's a big legal step and the bio family can maintain some rights and contact much more easily if the child is in LA care rather than having those legal relationships severed. It's also true that the family get more support (financial and practical) from the LA as foster carers rather than adopters which can be vital for a child with additional needs.

healthybychristmas · 10/11/2024 10:14

Does your foster sister have a diagnosed personality disorder?