My mum keeps using me as an example

[Purlesweetcheeks]

Hiiii,

I'm in a bit of a pickle, not sure how to feel… just need other viewpoints . Long story short, a few years ago I fell pregnant (out of wedlock) and got married very soon after (I was also still in uni at the time). There’s a whole bunch of other info that contributed to me getting married but that’s a story for another day. So I’m from quite a relatively traditional family/orthodox values on marriage/family/pre-marital sex etc so although my parents were generally supportive with wedding etc, I’ve recently found out that my mum sometimes uses me as some sort of “example” of what not to become (in terms of pregnancy etc) and blah blah. I also heard that she also says that what I’d experienced was a “disappointment” for the family etc. This has really hurt me because I don’t really see what I did wrong? I fell in love with a guy, got pregnant, ended up getting married and we’re living happily with our children. I’m working on getting my masters, have a good job where I work extremely comfortably and hope to get my own house soon…why am I a disappointment? I already sometimes struggle with self esteem and this has kind of knocked me a bit, especially as my mum has never given any indication of how she truly feels. She has a great relationship with her grandkids and helps us out financially sometimes. I did initially want to share this with my husband but I know he’d completely flip out and this would destroy the family relationship that’s already been through so much. We’re all in a great place but I don’t wanna be fake either and start avoiding my mum…should I talk to her about it? The person who told me this info told me not to tell her (my mum) but arrrgh it’s a weird situation to be in…

Bump 😊

Is the person telling the truth? She didn't want you to mention it to your mum...

Is always be cautious about believing something that had been said about me by someone else if the person telling me told me not to mention it to them!

Yes they're telling the truth, but they don’t want me to share it because my mum will know it was them

Sounds like you've got a shit stirrer pouring poison in your ear. Ignore and avoid them. Hug you mum.

Yes I get what you’re saying, I have also thought about this too, but why would they lie?

How do you know they are telling the truth?

Even if your mum did say this it may have been taken totally out of context. Your mum may have been saying something like at the time they were worried about how it would affect your studies etc but clearly now they’re supportive and it all worked out. Don’t bring it up. No good can come of it.

Well, I kind of already knew my parents weren’t exactly thrilled all those years ago so it’s not like massively new info, I guess it’s just feels like it’s resurfacing perhaps…

tbh, I think parents often feel a bit freaked out when their kids find a partner, whatever the circumstances.

My parents and inlaws were both really quite disappointed in me because they thought I slept with my husband before we were married. I found it incredibly petty of them and didn't tell them for years that we actually had both married with our virginity intact. It sounds odd I know, but if I had told them that, then they might have felt that they had the right to comment on other things, and I really needed to shut that down.

I think sometimes parents just get worked up when their kids become independent, because they have this idea that they raised the children in some perfect state of purity and that now they are somehow not clean any more.

I think you should probably talk to your DM, but realising that you two may not agree. This might just be part of growing up, and growing into emotional independence from your DM, and it's okay if you don't agree with her on everything.

Well, I agree it may have been taken out of context, but it just feels painful to hear it in that manner.

I think that you should definitely talk to her, if only so she knows that she has someone repeating stuff to you that she would prefer that you didn't hear. She needs to shut that down.

Thanks for sharing this, really appreciate it. Yes I think it’s true, it’s parents often raise their kids thinking that they’ll remain in this amazing pure state and not grow/have partners etc which is so annoying

it would be a difficult conversation as we don’t really bring up that topic 😭

The awful thing is that if we did stay "pure" they'd be disappointed too, as they wouldn't get any grandkids. LOL.

It's fiddly sometimes.

I think I would have to mention it. I’d try to raise it in a fairly calm way when it’s just the two of us, and say that I’d heard this - perhaps not saying who said- and that I found it hurtful but also incorrect.
That I was happy, that things have worked out for me and that she should be pleased not sorry, especially since she has her lovely grandchildren as a result - and can she please stop talking about me like this. That my family would find it very hurtful if they knew.

If the person who told you couldn’t keep a secret, then why should you? These things are always better discussed than kept as secrets and breeding resentment, IMO.

Just reflecting on my own situation - we ended up NC with my inlaws because we were never able to discuss conflict and it snowballed. My MIL openly admits that she can't stick the sight of me now, and that is presumably partly because she thought I had been sleeping around before marriage, and was never corrected.

Hilariously, my DB finds me incredibly difficult to talk to because he is convinced that I am highly religous, and judgemental, which I'm not either. Mostly I'm just fairly middle aged and a bit vague, with quite a bit of a taste for roast potatoes.

The assumptions that people make are just bonkers sometimes.

Thank you so much for this, this is exactly how I feel, I’m thankful to God that things turned out well for me, and I know it doesn’t always work out that way for everyone, but I felt hurt that she discusses me in this way as it makes me feel like she’s negating all I’ve achieved family wise

Wow, sorry to hear this, I think going NC is very extreme and I hope you can reach some kind of resolution. But I understand that not discussing important topics can cause resentment to build up which is what I’m trying to avoid

Can you approach it with her indirectly? When she's with her DGCs and seems happy say that you know she was disappointed in the way you got pregnant and married but how does she feel now that you and DH are still together and happy, you've got the DCs and love them, your job and masters, whatever DH is doing? You don't have to spit it all out at once but use the conversation to gradually introduce all the positives in your life.

Long story short, a few years ago I fell pregnant (out of wedlock) and got married very soon after (I was also still in uni at the time). There’s a whole bunch of other info that contributed to me getting married but that’s a story for another day.

Anything to do with your mum? Is that making things more complicated?

I love my child dearly, but I think I’d be disappointed (on my own account) if he ended up becoming a parent while still an undergraduate - only because parenthood is hard and tiring and expensive, and my hope is for him to spend early adulthood enjoying some freedom and finding his feet in the world before knuckling down to that sort of responsibility. (And also because I’d be projecting all my own stuff about the unsuitable people I dated at university and how glad I am I didn’t end up shackled to them for the rest of my life 🤣)

Of course I’d be utterly delighted if it worked out well and years down the line he had a happy marriage and family life.

But I probably still wouldn’t recommend starting a family at that point in life to anyone - not because there’s any shame in it, but just because it sounds incredibly stressful!

Out of context, what your mum said could sound hurtful - but could it also be that she is not casting aspersions on your character or the quality of your choices, but just thinking back to what might well have been a time of a lot of uncertainty and worry for everyone? Before it was clear that things were going to work out so well?

I'd be questioning the motive of the person who told you. You already basically knew how your parents felt about it, so it's old news.

Ok it's not great if they're using you as an example of how not to end up, but anyone listening to that is going to think it reflects badly in your parents not you. Because it's judgemental of parents to think this way.

As you say, you've done absolutely nothing wrong. We don't live in 1850 any more! You've broken no legal or moral standards of the current society we live in. Your life is a success. Anyone disappointed in you is being a judgemental knob.

You basically already knew your parents were like this anyway (your low self esteem didn't come out of nowhere and disapproving comments were no doubt made at the time of your pregnancy). So what did the person telling you hope to achieve by telling you?

It doesn't harbour improved relationships to know someone has been talking about you behind your back. It's not misinformation, incorrect facts that you could benefit from speaking to people to correct them with the truth (parents are sticking to correct facts, just voicing their opinions about disappointment). The only possible outcome that I can see from them telling you is that you're hurt. For that reason I'd be distancing yourself from this person, because whatever their motives in telling you, it wasn't having your best interests at heart.

Speak to your mum if you want, tell her her comments have hurt you. If she didn't want you to hear those comments she shouldn't have spoken them to anyone. Likewise if the person who told you didn't want your mum to find out they told you, then they shouldn't have told you! Neither of them have any right to be annoyed at you if you decide to bring it up with your mum. You don't owe loyalty to either the mum slagging you off or the malicious gossip who passed the comments along. Do whatever feels right for you and your life, and your relationship with your parents.

Duplicate post

You sound amazing! What a great life you've made for yourself. I feel really sad for you that you are now questioning how your mum feels about you.

Was it a sibling who told you? Whoever it was, I would definitely need to say something either to them or to your mum. It probably should be to them, so they have to face the consequences of their actions.

Could you have it out with them? Tell them you need to talk because you can't forget what they said and it's causing you a lot of pain. And tell them you think you will need to talk to your mum because this is too difficult to deal with and you need to address it.

And could you say to your mum, x told me you have been saying this. I'm very hurt that you would criticise me to other people and I need you to know I'm really happy in my life and proud of what I've achieved. I need to know you won't undermine me to other people again.

And even if you don't actually say any of that, be clear you ARE proud and happy, and you did absolutely nothing wrong. Your mum is judging you by the standards of her generation and she is the one in the wrong. Parents who can't recognise that their adult children have the right to live their own lives and decide their own values, risk damaging their relationship with their children. She is the one who has fucked up here, not you.

But also, remember the maternal relationship is a very complex one. Most parents are quite capable of being very proud of their adult kids in many ways and a bit critical at the same time. It's absolutely classic in my family that mum has no filter and comes out with random criticism of all of us at times. And it hurts because deep down we all want parental approval. And the only way to get 100% approval is to do exactly what they think we should, which would be very unhealthy.

So in a way, this is part of growing up and becoming a truly separate person from your parents. It's quite painful to know they dont fully agree with your choices. But it's essential to know that it's your life to live, not theirs. And you sound like you are doing a cracking job of it.

I'd be disappointed if my children weren't married before getting pregnant and if they were still at uni at the time. Doesn't mean I don't love them. We are allowed as parents to feel disappointment in their behaviour at times