My mum keeps using me as an example

[Purlesweetcheeks]

Hiiii,

I'm in a bit of a pickle, not sure how to feel… just need other viewpoints . Long story short, a few years ago I fell pregnant (out of wedlock) and got married very soon after (I was also still in uni at the time). There’s a whole bunch of other info that contributed to me getting married but that’s a story for another day. So I’m from quite a relatively traditional family/orthodox values on marriage/family/pre-marital sex etc so although my parents were generally supportive with wedding etc, I’ve recently found out that my mum sometimes uses me as some sort of “example” of what not to become (in terms of pregnancy etc) and blah blah. I also heard that she also says that what I’d experienced was a “disappointment” for the family etc. This has really hurt me because I don’t really see what I did wrong? I fell in love with a guy, got pregnant, ended up getting married and we’re living happily with our children. I’m working on getting my masters, have a good job where I work extremely comfortably and hope to get my own house soon…why am I a disappointment? I already sometimes struggle with self esteem and this has kind of knocked me a bit, especially as my mum has never given any indication of how she truly feels. She has a great relationship with her grandkids and helps us out financially sometimes. I did initially want to share this with my husband but I know he’d completely flip out and this would destroy the family relationship that’s already been through so much. We’re all in a great place but I don’t wanna be fake either and start avoiding my mum…should I talk to her about it? The person who told me this info told me not to tell her (my mum) but arrrgh it’s a weird situation to be in…

I question the motive of the individual giving you this information.
I honestly don’t understand what they were trying to achieve .

It's 2024 and you'd be disappointed if your child wasn't married when they got pregnant?

@BishyBarnyBee

Yes. My children are still very young by the way so it's not a generational thing.
I don't think marriage is perfect by the way since I'm divorced 😂

Is it possible that what is being repeated to you is part of what was said...

Your mum could have said she was disappointed that you got pregnant so young but she is really proud that you made it work. And only the first part was reported to you.

I would question why the person rushed to tell you something that they knew would have serious consequences for you and your mum's relationship. That on the surface seems to be arseholian behaviour.

Then they shouldn’t have said anything.

If your children are very young, you probably haven't even begun to realise how little control you will have over young adults and how far you will have to accept their right to make their own decisions and live their life on their own terms.

Once a few of your children's contemporaries have experienced serious mental health problems, you start to realise that happy and well adjusted is really all we have the right to hope for for our kids. And being ready to be there for them without judgement when they aren't happy and well adjusted may be our most important parenting job.

I can't see anything about your life that would be an example of how premarital sex leads to bad outcomes. I'd be thinking, so what about OPs life is supposed to make me worried about getting pregnant outside wedlock. It sounds like you've done well for yourself and worked hard. Your mum should be proud of where you are and if she can't let go of her prejudice enough to see that, it's her issue and in no way your fault. Is it possible she was talking about it as in it was hard at the time and we were worried, but we didn't need? Is it possible she was reassuring this person or that this person bought it up themselves and she was talking about how she felt at the time only, not how she feels now? I hope it wasn't what you think it was and your mum has realised that that stuff doesn't matter more than your welfare.

I wouldn't bring it up with your DH if it's going to cause issues with his relationship with your family. I understand why he'd feel protective of you and angry about that, but it doesn't sound like it would make things easier for you if he knew. I would try and talk to your mum, really this person shouldn't have bought it up with you if they expected you to keep it a secret and not talk to your mum. Telling you so you know and can resolve things might be positively meant, telling you and expecting you to keep it secret isn't kindly meant and I'd be wondering what this person's motivation was for telling you.

I’m really thinking of talking to her about it now, it’s really upset me because looking back to that time, it was such a stressful time in my life and I really didn’t know how things would work out for me. So it’s a lot of complex emotions popping up like, why would she be mentioning these things after all these years, and not that I’m annoyed that she was disappointed, it’s the fact that she’s using me as an example of how not to end up, if that makes sense. So yeah, I don’t want to be pretentious and start to avoid her, so I guess I’ve got to pluck up the courage 😭

Yeah, I think my mum is the sort of person who cares a lot about what other people think, the kind of “keeping up appearances” type of person so you can imagine how me getting pregnant all those years ago must have scared her because I feel that it wasn’t really about my welfare but about how she would look as a mother/how my father would treat her/what society would
think etc. the person who shared this info with me is a relative so that’s why I believe them and it’s put me in an awkward position because the relative has shared this with me before but I decided to let it go but since finding out that my mum has continued talking about me in this way it’s really rubbed me up the wrong way this time. Also, the relative is younger than me so I’m not expecting her to he wise and I can do understand why she doesn’t want my mum to know because of the repercussions on her perhaps

I totally agree with this, not everybody falls in love/gets married the most conventional way. So it’s about not showing judgment and being as supportive as possible. It’s fine to feel disappointed but not actively share it with others in an undermining way.

Honestly OP it’s rooted in jealousy. She may have been helpful in the start but she was probably thinking you would fail.

But you’ve not failed and you’ve actually done really well.

This is all about her & her own insecurities.

I would speak to her about it though and say that what she has said was hurtful because actually your a success and she should be proud of that

this is second hand information. Best ask your mum directly if she is proud of you.

Depending upon which faith you all follow, she might have missed the bit about reconciliation or recognising an act may be 'holding your spiritual development back' - you don't have one shot to meet requirements and without perfection, you're eternally stuffed.

Judaism recognises this, Christianity does, Islam does, Hinduism does, Buddhism does.

That is, if it's on a purely religious basis that she's disappointed, and not on a 'Mum hoping for her children to have a perfect life and what would the neighbours think?' basis.

ETA: There's also the fact that you are lucky - you didn't have a useless/uncaring/unloving partner who abused or dumped you and he wanted to marry you because you were the right person for him. There's no guarantee a younger relative would have the same outcome, which could be why she's trying to say to them that whatever things they're doing, they are taking a risk when it's far easier not to have to deal with so much so young.

I agree that you need to be very very careful of a person who drips poison and asks you not to tell. I also agree that it sounds like that person has deliberately put the worst possible spin on whatever it was your mother said.

Be wary of that person. Very wary. And frankly it might not be a bad idea to alert your mother that this person is wholly untrustworthy.

Hmm, I think jealousy is a bit far fetched 🤔

I haven’t really thought about it from this angle, I guess I was focused more on the information rather than why the person revealed it to me

100% this!!!!!!

I can’t see how telling you that was intended to be anything other than hurtful. What are you supposed to do with that information if you’re not allowed to do the only useful thing and speak to your mum and see if she is still disappointed with you or if she was reflecting on how she felt when you got pregnant.

I assume it’s your sibling who shared that bit of gossip with you or you probably wouldn’t protect them. Who else would you allow to come between you and your mum other than a sibling. And that is what they are doing. They’ve caused bad feelings even if your mum is unaware of it.

Personally I’d bring it up the next time you’re all together but I like throwing a grenade at that kind of shit stirring. But I suppose for harmony, if not your peace of mind, you might have to decide your mum was reflecting on the past or just forget it.

If someone cared about you they would not shit stir as they have some.

There was absolutely no point in telling you this other than to cause a division between you and your mother!

Now why would they want to do that? Jealousy is usually the main factor in these kind of tawdry matters.

Tell the person that you don't want to hear any more stirring from them or you will turn the tables on them and tell your mother that they are gossiping about her behind her back.

Yes I see now how perhaps being told this wasn’t a good idea. But I think the person was just trying to unload a lot of concerns they had and perhaps felt the need to tell me what was going on. That’s how I’m seeing it ? But I really appreciate the other views as it’s opening my mind to new perspectives

'But I think the person was just trying to unload a lot of concerns they had and perhaps felt the need to tell me what was going on. '

If they had genuine concerns they would tan to your mother not you!

Gently remind her that you've done well and she should be proud of you.

Instead she chose to hurt you. That person has an ulterior motive and does not have your best interested at heart.

Right, this helpful soul is a grade A shit stirrer. This is the person you need to be drawing back from, OP.

My mother and her sisters spent most of their lives at loggerheads. It wasn't until my grandmother (whom I loved, btw) died that they gradually came to realise that she had stirred up absolutely all the drama, turning them all against each other, pretty much all their lives.