Spiteful comments and digs

[Pumpkincozynights]

Hi
A question for people.
Do your parents make subtle and not so subtle digs about you on a regular basis?
I’ve been out with dd and her new partner today. My mum and my dh came too.
Yet again my mum couldn’t resist getting in sly and not so sly digs about me.
In a nutshell I think I made an effort to look nice. Ok so I’m no ( insert glamorous film star) but I’ve been trying to shed a few pounds which I have done. I’ve had my hair done. I was wearing a nice dress and subtle make up. Dd said how nice my hair looked.
My mother never commented on my hair just talked about how she had had her hair and nails done. I said she looked nice.
She said that she thought my hair appointment was later and that she wasn’t expecting to see me and she said in not in a nice way.
She spoke about seeing relatives who she had not seen for a very long time. Asked how old X was. I replied that I wasn’t sure but that X was older than me, maybe by about 5 years. Straight away she replied that X looks a lot younger than me. Nobody commented but dd caught my eye.
I had a glass of wine. She asked what I was drinking. Her reply was ‘really?’ As if I was knocking back triple spirits or something. For info I often drink soft drinks.
Dh has often said that he doesn't like the way my mother speaks to me.
Mil will not come round when my mother is her, and it is 100% my mother’s fault.
He has said before today that he doesn’t want my mother to come to us on Christmas Day. I felt guilty about not having her, but now I’m thinking . If she can’t be nice than why the hell should I have her on my house creating a bad atmosphere.
The sad/annoying thing about it all is that sometimes she can be really nice. However, it really is a toss up as to wether she will be a nasty person or a nice person.
I know it might not sound much and maybe I haven’t described it well but there is no way on earth I would ever say things like think my child.
I would never ever say oh X looks so much better than you. Or X had a better job than you. Or X had a child, unlike you.
I don’t know what I’m asking.
Maybe justification for not inviting her for Christmas.
Thanks for reading.
Amy advice welcome.

I hear you. When I'm looking g good - and I know when im looking g good because I'm a mature woman and know myself- many people will comment, or at least ask where I found such and such piece of clothing .

However, mum and sister will NEVER do this. I don't want them to, I don't need them to (any more). But they WILL make weird remarks, like "ooh your top has stars on, have you gone American hahahahah" (no you idiots there's no stripes).... or, "how did you find the time to have your nails done??" (Priorities you idiots)..

Anyway some people are just like that and it says more about them and their insecurities than it does about you. So just carry on, and love yourself and love your life.

Yes, yes absolutely (only mum though, Dad isn’t like this at all).
I have a responsible professional job and a doctorate but still overall a disappointment…..

My mum is like this, I love her and that’s just how she is, she struggles with other women, everything has to be a slight or a competition, it’s exhausting and she’s never happy. Luckily I have fantastic friends otherwise I think I’d be the same way.

Is there someone else whose Christmas she can put a dampener on?

Moka yes that’s it. I’m not looking for compliments. However who thinks it’s ok to say, especially in front of dd’s new boyfriend, ‘Oh X looks so much younger than you?’
I would not say that to anyone.

Unfortunately she doesn’t have many friends.
So no, if she doesn’t come to us she will be alone.
All other family members are very old/ill.
Dd will not be here for Christmas. Dh had said he wants to invite his mother to ours but she absolutely will not come if my mother is here.
That’s another story and mil is completely in the right. They have not been in the same room since my mother made a totally embarrassing scene at an event we were hosting.
I’m thinking of telling her we are going to mils.

Do tell her that.

Say no more, tell her you will call over on the 26th to say Hello.

By the way, she doesn't deserve you.

Your DH and Dd sound like they know your value.

You should have replied
Well x hasn't got you as her mother.

Can you take your Christmas food and decamp to MIL's? I'd feel uncomfortable lying as it is bound to come out.

This is excellent.

I also offer 'Well it must be hereditary then' as an alternative.

Oh I can really relate to that stars comment. My sister does that sort of thing and it’s really hard to put your finger on why it’s a shitty comment. I’d look like the one with the problem if I pulled her up on it.

Could be a few things going on. Either she is thoughtless and the kind of person who never compliments you to your face but is nice about you to other people (any evidence of that?). Not ideal but not unusual if people have funny ideas about how to treat others. Or she has another agenda - sometimes people deal with their own insecurities and anxieties by turning it outwards and going on the attack - I have a sister like this. Or maybe she is just a bitchy person and can mask it. What do you think she would do if you confronted her? Does not have to be dramatic, just something like 'I wonder if you know what that sounds like' or 'if you cant say something nice, dont say anything at all'.

@Pumpkincozynights

yes, tell her you're going out on CD. I wouldn't offer up that it's to your MIL's but I wouldn't lie if she asked either.

if she asks why, just say she invited you with a shrug of your shoulders!

if she dribbles on about being on her own, suggest the 'relative & her perfect daughter' might invite her....

Or one of her (few) friends.

Your DH & his Mum deserve a nice Christmas without your Mum spoiling it. Obviously so do you!!

She sounds horrible and maybe a Christmas Day on her own will make her rethink her attitude. I'd tell her I was going to my MIL's if I thought she wouldn't just turn up at my house. Could you just go to your MIL's anyway?

Mine does this - I went for a job once as a Saturday assistant and she said I might have a chance as there was a person there with needs and I might be lucky and they might take me on too (I don’t want to say but they had a prominent learning difficulty and I don’t want to offend as they were so entitled to work there). Making out I had learning needs or something - I got great qualifications and no needs at all

when I got my first period - don’t make a mess

when I look nice she will never say but if I don’t - I will hear about it

She sounds like a horrible cow. Who cares if she’s alone at Christmas?

Some women are jealous that their daughters are younger than them...

Yes, it's ridiculous.

My mum can be like this. I’m currently not speaking to her because of some particularly arsey comments she made recently. It’s been very freeing having that low contact and not having to wonder what’ll set her off or what shite she’ll come out with next. If you’d rather not have her for Christmas don’t, and don’t feel guilty. It’s her behaviour that’s caused this, not yours.

I'm surprised your glass of wine didn't accidentally end up being poured over your mother's head!

She sounds terrible, like she is competing with you. If someone spoke to one of my daughters like this I would 100% tell them that the other person was jealous of them.

With regards to Christmas Day, in an ideal world you could have a wonderful day without her BUT you know you will feel terrible and probably spoil your day with or without her.

For info, if MIL can't come to you because your Mum does, where would MIL go?

BUT you HAVE to start challenging your mother when she is catty towards you. You can't go home and seeth like this. The Mumsnet favourite from back in the day was always "Did you mean to be so rude?" You can always chuck a laugh at the end to soften it slightly.

Good luck whatever you do.

This:
The sad/annoying thing about it all is that sometimes she can be really nice. However, it really is a toss up as to wether she will be a nasty person or a nice person.

Just proves that it's a choice. She is choosing to be nasty to you.

I'm sorry because that really hurts. Honestly jext time she made one of her comments I would look at DD and say "DD aren't you glad I wouldn't ever speak to you that way?" Mothers shouldn't be horrible to their daughters and youhave every right to reduce contact including not hosting her for Christmas because of the choices SHE keeps making.

No never. My mum did nothing but try and uplift me and make me feel good about myself. In the decades since she died, no one has been that kind to me. She is my role model for how I treat my DD. My friends mum does something similar though. We've discussed it and theorised her mum has poor self esteem and sees my friend as part of her, so is unsatisfactory in her eyes by default.

Well your MIL is saying it loud and proud !
most in laws can tolerate a lot for the sake of family harmony but the fact your MIL is Non contact speaks volumes

I would tell your mum the truth MIL and husband don’t like the put downs so it MIL turn this Xmas

either she will learn or not

They say that those that don’t hear must feel. Leave her on her own for Christmas and then maybe she’ll rethink her nasty attitude