Spiteful comments and digs

[Pumpkincozynights]

Hi
A question for people.
Do your parents make subtle and not so subtle digs about you on a regular basis?
I’ve been out with dd and her new partner today. My mum and my dh came too.
Yet again my mum couldn’t resist getting in sly and not so sly digs about me.
In a nutshell I think I made an effort to look nice. Ok so I’m no ( insert glamorous film star) but I’ve been trying to shed a few pounds which I have done. I’ve had my hair done. I was wearing a nice dress and subtle make up. Dd said how nice my hair looked.
My mother never commented on my hair just talked about how she had had her hair and nails done. I said she looked nice.
She said that she thought my hair appointment was later and that she wasn’t expecting to see me and she said in not in a nice way.
She spoke about seeing relatives who she had not seen for a very long time. Asked how old X was. I replied that I wasn’t sure but that X was older than me, maybe by about 5 years. Straight away she replied that X looks a lot younger than me. Nobody commented but dd caught my eye.
I had a glass of wine. She asked what I was drinking. Her reply was ‘really?’ As if I was knocking back triple spirits or something. For info I often drink soft drinks.
Dh has often said that he doesn't like the way my mother speaks to me.
Mil will not come round when my mother is her, and it is 100% my mother’s fault.
He has said before today that he doesn’t want my mother to come to us on Christmas Day. I felt guilty about not having her, but now I’m thinking . If she can’t be nice than why the hell should I have her on my house creating a bad atmosphere.
The sad/annoying thing about it all is that sometimes she can be really nice. However, it really is a toss up as to wether she will be a nasty person or a nice person.
I know it might not sound much and maybe I haven’t described it well but there is no way on earth I would ever say things like think my child.
I would never ever say oh X looks so much better than you. Or X had a better job than you. Or X had a child, unlike you.
I don’t know what I’m asking.
Maybe justification for not inviting her for Christmas.
Thanks for reading.
Amy advice welcome.

My mum does this. I remember when I passed my driving test she said they pass everyone on a Monday. Mad bitch. It's like water off a duck's back, though, don't let it get to you.

She sounds quite passive aggressive. You don't need an excuse not to invite her for the holidays. If you don't enjoy her company because she behaves that way, that's all the reason you need.
When my mother would go too far with that kind of crap I would tell her off, walk out on her and ignore her until she apologized. She always did, because she wanted to keep the relationship. She had to be reminded from time to time what my boundaries were. Maybe that will work for you. Have a talk with her and explain to her about how you won't tolerate passive aggression any further. She may not consciously realize she is coming off as hostile and demeaning.

I had this for a long time. Mum used to be ok but gradually she got more and more unpleasant. She constantly told me how 'i was just like my father' ...a man who cheated on her, had a nasty divorce from and about whom she has been bitter ever since (he's dead now and she holds a grudge abut that too!) My brother used to join in for the hell of it.

Anything I did or said was met with little digs and it really made me feellike crap but I just took it. Until I didn't...

At a family gathering earlier this year she (and my brother)made one dig too many and I was done. I told her I'd had enough and walked out and sat in my car. Did she apologise? Did she hell. She tried to justify herself. I left... which as we were at a restaurant in the middle of no-where, and she and my brother had no car, meant they had to get a taxi home. My brother DID apologise and I accepted that as he's just a dick at times but my Mum... well that hurt.

I went low contact for a while afterwards and when my DD visited my Mum, my Mum tried to justify herself to my DD...who swiftly backed me up (as she'd seen it so many times) and told my Mum she needed to reflect on her own behaviour.

Mum has been a lot better behaved since!

It's taken me YEARS to walk out and not take it... I'm in my 50s for God's sake! But it was the right thing to do, and now if she even makes the slightest dig I tell her to stop.
And I'm nothing like my dad !

Be brave and don't take it any more!

Sonolanona
That's sad to hear. Just heartbreaking how some mums can be.
I'm v v low contact with my mother, only reason I have contact with her is because my sister looks after her & I want to see/maintain my relationship with her otherwise it would be no contact.

Thanks for the replies everyone. I have in the past gone low/no contact many years ago. Somehow we started contact again.
I spoke to dh about her behaviour and he said she absolutely gets on his nerves. He said that he cannot understand why she makes such nasty and sly digs constantly. He said he is glad she wasn’t sat near him as he would have said something cutting back to her. He also said that I am stunning and look much younger than my age- not that that is the point.
He said she can be nasty about virtually everyone she comes across, which is true.
I have in the past called her out on her behaviour, but I didn’t want to in front of dd’s boyfriend as it was the first time he had met my mother, and he us new to the family.
As it will just be dh mil and me for Christmas Day, I’m going to tell her we are going to mils and I might call and see her on Boxing Day.
Obviously she has now confirmed in dh’s mind that he cannot have her here if his mum is here.

I think you need to call her out on this and make her see the consequences.

Dont invite her for Christmas and if it comes up you say ‘mum, the way you speak to people is unkind and makes people feel uncomfortable. I don’t want to spend Christmas being insulted and feeling like I can’t relax’

My mum used to do this a lot when I was younger and more dependent on her. She's stopped doing it now that I'm married and someone else is around to see her spite (and she knows I could cut her off now).

But she'll still never ever compliment me. I've lost 65lbs in the past six months and she hasn't mentioned it at all. It's very noticeable and she only sees me for a day or two every month, so it's not just that she sees me all the time and hasn't mentioned it. I slipped that I'd been dieting into casual conversation to see if she'd acknowledge it then, and she just changed the subject.

I don't think she's ever complimented me in my life. Even compliments about my son are tinged with surprise. She wonders aloud how he's so clever, not acknowledging that I'm a stay at home parent who was a teacher and I do loads of age appropriate educational/ life skills things with him. She compliments what my husband does for my son or throws in a token "you both..." (often for things only I was doing!) but never things I do.

Look. I am going to be straight here and I really hope you hear me.

It is okay to set boundaries. It is okay to decide you do not deserve to be treated like that and to refuse to be treated like that. You are locked into a sense of obligation around your mother because she is your mother and she is getting on in age and you 'have' to love your mother, right?

Wrong. Your priority has to be you and your well being. I am willing to bet you have danced around your mother for a long time and made excuses for her in your head. The people who love you - your DH and your DD have already told you they think she treats you badly. Your DH does not like how she speaks to you and your DD caught your eye when your mother was being a bitch.

Stand up for yourself. Please. Do not let her abuse you a moment longer- because it is abuse. Here is the trick about setting your boundaries.... some people will not like it. They may rail against it. They may try and make it your fault. They may try and emotionally manipulate you. THAT is just showing you who the people you do not need in your life are. It is FINE to say 'Nup, not having it. Guess what mum- I do not wish to spend my precious time with you'.

It's really okay to say no. I promise. You will feel guilt I have no doubt, but in time you will feel stronger. Please please do not be like my mother who is now 75 years old and who appeased her own nasty vicious bitch of a mother for 65 years. It ruined my mother's life, and her mental well being.

It's okay to say no to her. It's okay to put yourself first and the people who actually treat you well first. Please give yourself the gift of all gifts and know this and practice this.

xxxxxx

My mum and her mother (my nan) had a very similar relationship. My nan could never say a nice thing ever to my mum. She was jealous of her own daughter and felt like she had to be in competition with her.
It still makes me angry today, (my mum has sadly passed away) and I cannot forgive my nan for all the awful things she said to my mum over the years.
I keep her at arms length. I know she is old but she knew what she was doing. I won’t have her for Xmas. My own mental health comes first.
Don’t make Xmas terrible for you out of guilt for your mum. She has made her bed, let her lie in it.

Do you ever ask her outright why she’s being a cow?

I will never understand people who have children and then spend their lives making them feel like shit.

This was my mother.
Shed put in the digs and if anyone pulled her up on them she’d be all smiles, it was just a joke, you have no sense of humour. Always putting me down, I phoned her to say I’d heard I’d passed everything, obtained my degree ( as a single mum). Her reply was it’s not a proper degree like your brother’s , it’s a teacher training certificate isn’t it.
I realised she’d been telling me these things all my life. When I was about 5 she told me how happy she was when I was born , they told her she’d got a girl , she planned the pretty dresses and the curly hair I’d have. Then she said “ but I got you”
Not a nice person.

Do you still see her allthehorses ?

@Parry5timesbeforedeath well said.

never ever ever
seriously… one of my parents making a “sly dig” at me or one of my siblings? unfathomable

Because they are choosing to mock, not share a joke. And mocking is what we do when we try to humiliate and put a person down. A shared joke and a more run remark is different - eg with the starry top, a nice person who liked you might say 'You look like a star today!' Whereas (what I am guessing is) a disparaging tone and a remark that meant a criticism of America, is different. Eg, if you had American relatives, you might say 'Ah, representing the overseas branch of our family today' or something.

It's the tone, and the intent of mocking, that makes for a shitty remark. Add in facial expression and body language. So little is about the actual words chosen. It's not what you say, it's how you say it.

I could say to someone 'How DO you find the time to have your nails done? Please tell me, I am shit at time management. Your nails look lovely.'

I don't know what the answer is. I might be tempted to respond with, Did you know how mocking and negative you sound when you say things like that?

OP - none of those you mentioned were subtle remarks. How people see us being treated, and what they see us seeming to accept (which is NOT the same as accepting) tells them how to treat us, and in the case of our children, our children too.

Is your dd's boyfriend going to think, Well, I can say what I like about her mum because she seems to be OK with the criticism, even her own mum clearly doesn't think she is great.

It's really important to surround ourselves with cheerleaders, and not doom fairies. You know - the critical misery mongers, jealous energy vampires, furious attention grabbers.

Easy for me to say, but yes, you are right to avoid your mother this Christmas. And every day, tbh, because she won't change. Grey rock her.

Also, the critical comments are a jealous twit noticing how nice you might look, and grabbing the attention to themselves. Eg, noticing your hair is looking nice and then saying a) I thought you hadn't gone to the hairdresser yet and b) look at my lovely nails! A put down followed by a spiteful contrast, demanding attention for her nails.

The point is, these remarks are made because your mother HAS noticed. And she is pissed off about it. She is upset when she perceives you doing better than her. What does that tell you.